Urban Outfitters to Incorporate Urban Blight

Popular fashion boutique Urban Outfitters, long known for its trendy line of street-wise clothing, shocked fashion connoisseurs and law enforcement officials alike yesterday when it revealed its intent to stock malt liquor, contraband narcotics, and firearms. “We at Urban Outfitters have long taken pride in bringing the thrill of the streets to the over-privileged youth of America, so for us this seemed like the next logical step,” spoke Chairman and Founder Richard Hayne, while smoking crack out of a light bulb.

The store’s new stock includes firearms ranging from Glocks to assault rifles in such popular colors as ‘Outrageous Orange’ and ‘Carnation Pink,’ as well as fortified wine and tar heroin. Do-rags stenciled with the pre-90s year of your choice will also be made available at the bargain price of $48.95.

The move was praised by the well-monied among the wino, junkie and street thug community. “This is just the kind of digs you want when you gettin’ floamie off a puff of rocks,” said local fashionista and former ward of the state Lizzy Spliffs, before vomiting into a puddle of her own urine.

“Floamie?” declared white people.