The upcoming presidential campaign will change everyone’s perceptions about just what kind of white Christian male we will let lead our country. What kind of questions should we be asking about this new breed of politician?
Candidate: Hillary Clinton
Can a visually unpleasant woman be elected president?
Pros: Italy will stop hitting on us, making UN parties a lot less awkward.
Cons: After electing her, she’ll probably be all clingy and fake a pregnancy to rope you into re-electing her.
Tentative Cabinet: Supportive gay friends.
Chance of Winning: Higher and higher the drunker you get.
Candidate: Barack Obama
Can a kind-of black man be elected president?
Pros: Would finally put an end to the terrible stand-up cliché of talking about what it would be like if a black man was president, and stop the debate of whether or not he would put spinning rims on Air Force One.
Cons: Instead of commanding troops through war and vetoing important legislation, might spend all day on MySpace typing in all caps.
Tentative Cabinet: General Wesley Clark, Al Gore, Chuck D.
Chance of Winning: Slim, unless he can convince the entire South that he’s Dominican or something.
Candidate: Dennis Kucinich
Can a mischievous imp be elected president?
Pros: Whimsical foreign policy will mend ailing relations with nuclear power Narnia.
Cons: State of the Union will probably be given in form of frantic jig.
Tentative Cabinet: Cabinet really more of a Fellowship than anything else.
Chance of Winning: Only if his wizard master deems it acceptable.
Candidate: Rudy Giuliani
Can a slightly less hairy Grinch be elected president?
Pros: Will reduce terrorist morale by stealing their children’s gifts.
Cons: Health problems: will possibly require hospital care during the melting of his icy heart.
Tentative Cabinet: Dog with antlers strapped to his head.
Chance of Winning: Nine elevenths.
Candidate: Ron Paul
Can a person with literally no chance of being elected president be elected president?
Pros: Dissolution of FDA means cumbersome regulations are removed, and the needy can get antibiotics.
Cons: Dissolution of FDA means cumbersome regulations are removed, and Pfizer begins to produce controversial “Viagra but with AIDS in it” pills.
Tentative Cabinet: Other leading fringe candidates Lyndon Larouche, David Duke, Mickey Mouse, Voting is For Fags, Fuck You, and Pat Buchanan.
Chance of Winning: Negative zero.
Candidate: Mitt Romney
Can a man with the creepiest religion imaginable be elected president?
Pros: Lack of drugs and alcohol makes for most sober presidency in years.
Cons: Above makes for lamest inauguration ball in years.
Tentative Cabinet: A cabal of his most politically savvy wives.
Chance of Winning: High, considering that he’s polling well with the crucial “Mitt Romney’s Wives” demographic.