So You’ve Just Sprouted a Single Wing

It happens to even the most careful and health-conscious students: you stay up too late studying for your Ornithology midterm, or pass out at Phi Kappa Emu. And the next morning, you wake up with a single unusually large avian limb emerging from just under your shoulder blade.

Don’t worry: at some point, one in five students will sin against the laws of nature before their junior year. Here is some useful information to help you deal with your terrifying loss of bilateral symmetry.

  1. Check your symptoms
    • Are you having trouble sleeping on your back?
    • Can you only fly in small circles?
    • Are you molting more than usual?
    • Are both your bird and human friends acting distant
  2. Possible Causes
    • Geneticist parents’ Final
    • Fantasy addiction starting to affect their work
    • You read half a Kafka novel before bed
    • It’s Judgment Day and you’re agnostic
    • Father is a lonely ostrich farmer
    • You insulted a chicken fortune teller
    • Asshole genie has “one wish, one limb” policy
    • Darth Egret revealed himself to be your father
    • You stopped at a KFC run by very literal wizards
    • Your mother is Scrooge McDuck’s trophy wife
  3. Treatment

    If you have confirmed that you indeed suffer from this ailment, don’t despair. Help is just a phone call, or a meat cleaver and a lot of paper towels, away.

    Alternatively, you can decide to forgo treatment and live your life. You’d be surprised at how easy that is! There are still many career options open to you; having one wing may actually give you an advantage in such fields as carnival freak, car dealership attention-getter, and extremely useless X-Man.