Blasted for his recent assertion that “in Iran we don’t have homosexuals like in your country,” Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad attempted to clarify the nature of his comments in a press conference on Tuesday.
“It was a cry for help!” he sobbed. “Please give us gay people!”
Ahmadinejad then proceeded to enumerate the reasons why his country is suffering from its dearth of boys who like boys. “Our fat chicks are tragically friendless. Our musicals are drastically unattended. Our atomic, er, preschools, are drab and lifeless.” He then glowed a bright green while giving cancer to everyone in a three-mile radius.
Anderson Cooper took his lips away from another dude’s long enough to comment. “Mr. Ahmedinejad, it is absolutely preposterous for you to claim that there are no gay men in Iran, especially because your hand is stroking my thigh right now.”
“Andy, the straight poop is, we need a huge flamer like Carson Kressley over here to put the Queer Eye in Ayatollah. In Iran, we have plenty Mohammed—we need Mo-Homo,” retorted Ahmedinejad.
In response, Bruce Vilanche rolled his eyes and had a heart attack.