Consumer Reports: Your Future

Congratulations on graduating, and welcome to the exciting world of adulthood. The following reviews are meant to help you, the idiot, choose your future wisely.

Graduate School

Because life doesn’t begin at conception, it begins at 29!

Synopsis: Remember when you went from first grade to second grade, and you learned all those new, amazing concepts like fractions, and you were first introduced to interesting historical events? Okay, well, remember when you went from Junior year in college to Senior year and learned nothing except how to shit on the professor’s desk and get a B+? Graduate school is like seven more years of that.

Pros: Is not a job. Oddly enough, much better chance of sleeping with eighteen-year-old coeds than you had before.

Cons: You’ve already learned all the good stuff. Will have wasted life.

Rating: 4 out of 5 Lazy GSIs.

Move in with Your Parents

Prerequisite: Time machine to undo all the things you did to them.

Synopsis: Hey look, it’s that old guy and his wife! And isn’t that neat, you’ve changed and they haven’t!

Pros: Is not a job. Dog still likes you best.

Cons: Now mature and observant enough to recognize all the subtle signs of their tenuous, crumbling marrige. Yardwork.

Rating: 18 out of the first 22 years of your life

Move in with Girlfriend

Learn to hate each other all over again.

Synopsis: With not having to cook your own food and constant theoretical access to sex, it seems like a no-brainer.

Pros: Wouldn’t it be great if instead of having sex we had to coordinate our finances and consider each other in our career choices?

Cons: No. No it would not.

Rating: 6 visibly used tampons in your trashcan out of 10.

Work for Google

Hey, all your friends are doing it.

Synopsis: Their stock just hit 700, they’re recruiting like mad, and it doesn’t seem to matter that you and your friends have no marketable skills.

Pros: They already know everything about you.

Cons: Remember that story about how Google killed all those people who crossed them? No? Exactly.

Pagerank: 8.5/10

The Peace Corps

Living amongst the most oppressed people in existence? Where do I sign?!

Synopsis: Leave all that stressful “comfort” and “running water.”

Pros: Joining the Peace Corps is probably the most selfless thing you can do after college, and you truly will make a difference in the lives of the people you oh let’s both stop kidding ourselves, you’re not going to join the Peace Corps.

Cons: Jungle offers very little Xbox Live support.

Rating: One out of not enough boxes of medicine.

Continue to Live in College Town Pretending Nothing Has Changed

“…I keep gettin’ older and they stay the same age.”

Synopsis: Want to keep doing exactly what you’re doing now except without the responsibility of those eight burdensome units? Then this is the plan for you. Make sure you don’t actually fulfill your degree requirements or your FAFSA will cut off automatically.

Pros: Nothing gets freshman girls wet like a guy who can legally rent a car.

Cons: Slow evolution of frat nickname from “Crewcut” to “Baldspot” to “Get That Old Guy Off Our Keg”

Rating: Depends on whether your drug dealer graduated.