From the files of… the Gatorade Sports Science Institute

Gatorade, the greatest sports drink ever drunk, was developed by the University of Florida in order to provide something to say about the University of Florida during lulls in conversation. Since that time, Gatorade has refused to rest on its laurels, developing the greatest research institute on Earth. As a nutritional research expert, I am but one of many (three) scientists who makes sure your thirst is adequately quenched. These are my notes.

Opened the new test facility today, now we have TWO treadmills. Looking forward to putting them next to each other then jumping from one to the next as seen in OK, Go music video. Also, corporate shipped us a bunch of rats. Not sure what corporate wants us to do with them; probably make them drink Powerade until they die.

HYPOTHESIS: Adding berry flavor to Gatorade will cause athletes to be able to fly.

TESTING: Have man on treadmill drink Gatorade Berry Blast.

CONTROL: Have man on treadmill not drink Gatorade Berry Blast.

RESULTS: Man on treadmill sweated a lot; failed to fly around the room, making giant man-sized butterfly net I purchased totally superfluous.

CONCLUSION: Needs more berry. Possibly more blast.



Not sure whether this started as a drunken dare or a request from the marketing department, but spent the last day feeding Gatorade to actual gators. One of them bit Jim’s arm off, suggesting drink failed to satisfy gator’s thirst. Or maybe satisfied it too much. Learned absolutely nothing, but did make highly-rated YouTube video of gator running on treadmill.


What the fuck are electrolytes!?


Something wrong with latest batch of Gatorade/Vitamin Water. Upon drinking, test subjects began running in slow motion, significantly reducing athletic performance and putting incredible strain on knees and other joints and ligaments.

ALSO: Still serious problems with brightly colored sweat. Most athletes expressed amusement at purple and green sweat but were upset by yellow sweat which caused some subjects to believe they were “pissing out of our faces.” Researchers unsure whether to inform them of highly carcinogenic nature.

NOTE: Apparently Gatorade Berry Blast does cause rats to fly. Ceiling of lab now buzzing with purple sweating rats with highly quenched thirsts. Giant butterfly net not looking like such a foolish purchase anymore.

Sad note. Spent the day intravenously replacing super fit treadmill guy’s blood with Gatorade Tangerine Ice. Treadmill guy dead. Likely cause: hydration.


Awesome idea: Introduce V8 vegetable drink competitor, Gatorade Savage Garden. Instead of vegetables, just mix all current Gatorade flavors together. Turned down another offer to work at cancer research institute.