Oaks Saved From Themselves

In an emotional and heartfelt conclusion to the months-old controversy, the oak trees surrounding Memorial Stadium were saved from their own self-destructive patterns of behavior Saturday.


“It was a hard time for all of us,” said botanical therapist Jill McGovern, who led the all-night intervention. “Those poor oaks just couldn’t face up to the harm they were doing themselves and the people and plants who love them.”


Many observers had noticed the warning signs of the oaks’ discontent – hanging out with disheveled-looking hippies, smoking marijuana, catching fire from smoking marijuana – but never took the time to confront them about it. Until now. Several of the oaks’ friends and relatives came together to help straighten out the young boughs. Even their mother, Sample Cutting From the Botanical Gardens, made the trip to help them.


“I really feel like I’ve turned a corner,” said one tree, identified only as “Wrinkly,” shaking two sleeping bags and a hot plate out of his branches. “I realize there may be more to life than giving unemployed, bearded young men an outlet for their persecution complex. You might even say it’s time to ‘turn over a new leaf!’”


Wrinkly was then slapped by six of his brethren.


When asked about future plans, the oaks said they were thinking about moving off the fault line and getting jobs as interns or office furniture.