-
Spring Break Stegosaur
-
Rabid Christmas Puppy
- Hoopla-potamus
- Safari Hamster
- Gay Bunny
- Kamikaze Calimari
- Free-Range Chicken
- Wilde-B33$t
- Buckaroo Duck
- Cowboy Bear
Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Latest Issue
Top Ten Poorly Conceived Superhero Duos
- Etch-a-Sketch Man & Mr. Jitters
- Stand-Man & Can’t-Stand- Stand-Man -Man
- Love Man & Friend Girl
- Superman & Lousyman
- BAMN-Man & Bam-Bam
- Daredevil & DareJesus
- Chalkman & White Board
- Riddler & “See Answer on Page 9” Man
- Sharkman & Cap’n Chum
- Peanut Butter Man & Gum Man
Top Ten Ways to Avoid Getting Flyered on Sproul
- Matrix-style slo-mo moves around flyers
- Light self on fire
- Pretend you’re blind
- Be non-Asian / non-Greek material
- Say “No thanks.”
- Walk on your hands
- Hold grenade in one hand, a bomb in other, and say “Sorry, my hands are full.”
- Prominently display copy of California Patriot
- Go around with crutches, then hit flyer-distributors with crutches
- Yell, “You can’t flyer me; I quit!”
Top Ten Alternate Names for Urinal Splashback
- Freaking Miracle (if you’re a girl)
- Urinal Cake’s Sweet Revenge
- More Successful Than Usual
- Porcelain Wrath
- Conservation of Momentum
- Handwashing Justifier
- Priest’s Blessing
- Acid Rain
- Blowback
- Sierra Mist
Top Ten Changes in Post-Taliban Kabul
-
Everything no longer different now
-
Kabul-3’s new armored buildings retract underground when attacked
- New spring break destination
- Deposed President gets un-hanged
- Women still treated like idiots, but get to wear tank tops
- Bin Laden posters half-price
- Upswing in Nancy Drew book sales as little girls learn to read
- Sun blocked out by kite-filled sky
- Everyone happy, content, free
- Hard Rock Cafe: Kabul
Top Ten Ways to Annoy People in an Elevator
- Explain that if your randomly-chosen floor matches the floor chosen by your potential lover in the other elevator, you were meant to be together
- Take elevator from first to second floor, you lazy, non-stair-walking ASUC fuck
- Press every button, get off, then blow the cable
- Masturbate
- Wedge open doors with liquid metal arms
- Set up a chair and desk; complain about how many people come into your office
- Have a torrent of blood ready to spill out whenever doors open
- Personally weigh over 500 lbs.
- Make cash register noises when pressing buttons
- Stop showering a month before riding elevator
Volume 11, Issue 2: Reasonable Protest
Features
- Cola Wars: Declassified
- Homecourt Advantage
- Words from the Top
- Urinal Art
- Bitten by the Witster
- Bedtime Story
- Haunt You Up Good
- Music Beat
Newsflashes
- Business Owners Proudly Display Flags
- Cookie Monster’s Shocking Secret Revealed
- FAA Presents New Flight Safety Regulation
- All-Purpose Protest Movement Planned
- Asians Fight For Reputation
- U.S. So Totally, Totally Out of Money
- Insignificant Life Now Self-Consciously Insignificant
- Justice League Offers Support to U.S.
Top Tens
- Top Ten Things You Would Do If You Ran the Zoo
- Top Ten Worst Things to Say in a Courtroom
- Top Ten Signs You Might Be Psychic
- Top Ten Responses to “Are We There Yet?”
- Top Ten Contingency Plans for a Magic Trick Gone Awry
- Top Ten Ways to Hit on the Attractive Person Driving Behind You
- Top Ten Ways to Avoid a Shark Attack
- Top Ten Alternatives to the Metric System
- Top Ten Ways To Get Red Wine Out Of The Carpet
Top Ten Ways to Hit on the Attractive Person Driving Behind You
- Just be yourself
- Pop trunk, unleashing shower of prophylactics and birth control pills
- Pop trunk, unleashing shower of rose petals
- Any which way but loose
- Drive defensively, but not too defensively
- Befriend the less-attractive friend driving behind them
- Release silky soft smoke screen
- Pants-less Chinese Fire Drill … into the attractive person’s car
- Turn on hazard lights, all sexy-like
- Slam on the brakes (and brace for love)
Top Ten Ways to Avoid a Shark Attack
- Cover self with fun house mirrors so you look like a bigger shark
- Dress up like a girl shark and flirt (Warning: May result in shark rape)
- Play dead
- Be the lead character
- Your first day in the ocean, beat up a shark so they know who’s boss
- Drain world’s oceans
- Rethink pants made of chum
- Swim with a slower, fatter, more appetizing buddy
- Pre-emptively get mauled by bear
- Stop bleeding
Top Ten Alternatives to the Metric System
-
Breadboxes
-
Will it fit in my ear / will it fit in my mouth?
- Tall, Grande, & Venti
- Always rounding up
- Just hitting shit with hammer until it fits
- Inches & ounces & quarts & furlongs & leagues
- Tantric System
- Metric Anarchy
- “About yea long.”
- Not measuring stuff anymore
