Bitten by the Witster

Sometimes people come up to me and ask, “Hey Freddy: why you so witty, yo?” And I say, “Well, my name isn’t Fredrick Witster for nothing.” Then, they shake their heads and think, “Man, that Freddy … he’s the greatest. But how does he do it?” Well, because I think you’re nice, I’m going to let you in on my “witty” secret.

Being the wittiest isn’t an accident. It requires constant prepping, practice, and patience. Most people assume that a witty retort is created on the spot, but that’s all part of the illusion. In actuality, the majority of my retorts have been preconceived. Only through imaging countless theoretical scenarios and predicaments does the Witster succeed in firing his comedic daggers.

Here are some witty retorts I’ve already come up with, but haven’t utilized.

Scenario 1: The Trip

I’m visiting a friend in England when the island is hit with an earthquake, leaving my friend’s apartment building literally split in two, though my friend remains unhurt. Upon surveying the wreckage, I turn to him and observe, “It looks like your flat broke.”

Scenario 2: Chemotherapy

If the occasion arises where I develop a malignant tumor, and after an ineffective biopsy I’m forced to undergo chemotheraphy resulting in the complete loss of my body hair, and someone approaches me and says, “Do you have cancer?” I’m going to say, “Do you have a face? Because I’m going to kick the shit out of your face.”

Scenario 3: The Grocery Store

Say one day I’m doing my weekly shopping at Safeway, when I see there’s only one box of Kellogg’s Smart Start left. I manage to reach for it before another unsuspecting shopper can put the last box in her cart. She says, “Oh no, that was the last box of Smart Start.” I wittily retort, “Looks like someone didn’t eat their Wheaties this morning, stupid cunt.”

Scenario 4: Hanging Out with My Friend Chad Heard

(I don’t have a friend called Chad Heard, but you never know when such an occasion will arise.)
Chad: You know, the most important thing about public speaking is to be heard.

Me: You know, that must be easy for you … because you’re such a loud ass-hole!

Scenario 5: The Office

Unbeknownst to my office mate, I find out that he is about to be fired for embezzling toner cartridges. Moments before he goes into his regular meeting with the boss I ask him how his day has been. He answers “My life’s going okay … considering the divorce and all.” Then I say, “Really? If my life sucked as much as yours I’d kill myself. Oh well, at least you still have this job.”

Scenario 6: The Bank

I go to the bank to get some money. When the cashier replies, “Sorry sir, your account is overdrawn,” I just smile and say, “No, I think maybe your drawn is over accounted!” This throws her off. Then I say, “This is a robbery. Get down on the floor! Nobody moves, nobody dies.”

Scenario 7: Getting a Pen

I go to Alaska looking for a magical pen. While there I speak to an enchanted elf who implores me to compose a title for his new book of sonnets about his house, which is made out of tiny bubbles. Also, the English language contains the word “ploam,” which means “is the subject of his ___.” I say, “Gnome’s foam Nome home ploam poem tome!”

“I’m not a gnome, I’m an elf,” he says irritably. “There’s a difference you know.”

“Shut up,” I retort triumphantly.