There comes a time in the life of every young magazine when that magazine must learn to grow and change, when that magazine must embark upon certain rites of passage. You may have noticed certain … changes in the Squelch of late. Better paper stock, different fonts, an awkward cracking of the voice at the most embarassing times. Such is life. This month the Squelch bursts forth upon the scene with the most startling of changes: a full-color glossy cover. Right now you may find this change tough to deal with, but remember, it’s natural. You’ll soon get used to it, you’ll get some great presents at the bar mitzvah, and don’t worry, the tenderness and odd firmness in your nipples will soon go away.
Yes, the Squelch is coming of age. With that age comes responsibility, but also opportunity. Jokes which were out of our reach before are out of reach no longer. Jokes about butterflies, pinwheels, and crayons, yes, but also jokes about flowers, and tropical frogs, and the Photoshop color selection tool. How many times have we found ourselves on the cusp of brilliance, only to be thwarted by merciless black, indifferent white, and a legion of irate, screaming gray whores of Babylon? Oh, sure, some are light gray, and some are dark gray, and some are a middling, indecisive gray, but whores the lot of them. Well, no more!
Okay, I’m not sure where I was going with that whores thing. But now that the whores have been put to rest, the Squelch stands brimming in a sleek, suave suit, ready to sweep the unsuspecting reader off her feet! Certain uppity readers who might have thought themselves too good to give the Squelch a second look will find themselves charmed into a daze, at last falling under the spell of the raw, instinctive, animal attraction that is the Heuristic Squelch. Damn it. Can’t we as a staff escape our own sexual frustration for just one short moment to cherish and enjoy our sweet, hard-won accomplishments?!
_Stop. Don’t look desperate. Don’t look desperate. Just flip your hair back and play it cool. You own these people. You’re better than them. Let them feel you and your color cover. _
Many people deserve thanks for helping us get to this important milestone. Probably past editors, most likely our advertisers, a select few ASUC senators. One thing, however, is certain: there are many, many more who deserve no thanks at all. These include the Chancellor’s Grant Committee, Sandy from Futura, Wally Adeyemo’s resource-draining One Campus initiative, the fucker who stole our mouse with the scroll wheel, and the bigger fucker that stole our digital camera without even taking the battery pack and serial cable that are vital for its use.
I hope this color glossy thing looks good. We haven’t seen any samples.