Weekend at Cheney’s

Scene 1: Camp David Rumpus Room

[Bush and Rumsfeld enter. Cheney is seated in armchair, dead of a heart attack]
BUSH: Dick! Good to see you again, buddy.
RUMSFELD: How’s it going, Dick? We brought you some of those macademia nut cookies you like.
BUSH: And a pint of Jim Beam – you’re going to need it, dealing with Yasser Arafat and Ariel Sharon all weekend.
RUMSFELD: And you’re the only American official they trust, so rest while you can, Mr. VP. [punches Cheney’s shoulder affectionately. Cheney falls over.] Dick? You OK? [feels pulse] George, I think he’s dead!
BUSH: Oh my god! What do we do? What are we gonna do? Arafat and Sharon are going to be here any minute!
RUMSFELD: Stay calm. Let’s just call your dad.
BUSH: He’s away on a fishing trip until Monday! We’re doomed! [Bush begins tossing pretzels into his mouth] Dick was the only reason those guys agreed to negotiate in the first place. And if the terrorists find out that the chain of command has been broken… [Bush starts to choke]
RUMSFELD: [slaps Bush, dislodging pretzel] Snap out of it, George! I think we can stall until your dad comes back. I have a plan…

Scene 3: The Study

ARAFAT: Look, this is ridiculous. I demand to see Mr.Cheney right away!
BUSH: You’re positive you don’t want to play wiffle ball?
ARAFAT: I’m going in. [Goes in.] [Cheney is dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses, and propped up on the couch. Rumsfeld dives behind the couch behind Cheney.]
ARAFAT: Mr. Cheney, there can be no peace agreement until Palestine receives assurances that Israel will respect the terms of the Oslo accord! We demand a full military withdrawal from the occupied territories, and an immediate freeze on construction of new homes. [Cheney remains silent]
ARAFAT: Alright, Mr. Cheney… perhaps there can be some compromise regarding the troops… maybe they could be phased out over a period a few months. [Cheney remains silent]
ARAFAT: And, of course, the construction freeze is subject to negotiation. This has been a productive discussion, Mr. Cheney. [Rumsfeld reaches up and nods Cheney’s head.] I look forward to talking further.Will I see you at the surfing contest tonight? [Nodding continues. Rumsfeld slaps his own forehead.]

Scene 6: Outside Bedroom

SHARON: [knocking] Mr. Cheney, are you there? [Bush inserts tape of Cheney speech into VCR, turns volume up]
CHENEY TAPE: Hello, my fellow Americans. [Bush presses”pause”]
SHARON: Mr. Cheney, before we begin the negotiation, I must insist that there be no peace talks without a joint cease-fire. [Bush fast-forwards]
CHENEY TAPE: That is certainly something we are going to consider in the months ahead, but now is too early to speculate. [Pause.]
SHARON: Mr. Cheney, I’d very much hoped we could discuss it right now, today, in fact. [More fast-forwarding]
CHENEY TAPE: I’m an avid sportsman, I love to hunt and fish.
SHARON: [confused] I don’t understand, Mr. Cheney. [Bush fast-forwards frantically. Bypasses Cheney speech, arrives at “Angels With Filthy Souls”]
TAPE: I’m going to give you to the count of ten to get your ugly, no-good keister off my property, before I pump your guts full of lead. One, two … ten. [Machine gun sounds. Sharon runs away.]
TAPE: Keep the change, ya filthy animal.

Scene 10: Aftermath of Surfing Contest

ATTORNEY GENERAL JOHN ASHCROFT: That Cheney is one hell of a surfer. I can’t believe he stayed so calm and unfazed, even when that shark went after him.
BUSH: Um, yeah. If that happened to me, I’d probably have a heart attack. [Nudged by Rumsfeld] I mean, I would have been scared to death. [Nudged harder] Er, that is, you’d have to nail my dead feet to a surfboard to get me to do something like that.
RUMSFELD: That’s enough, George. We don’t want to keep John from his tribunals.
ASHCROFT: I really should be going anyway. I’ve got a meeting with the Klan … I mean, with a clan of supporters. [Ashcroft hurries away]
ASHCROFT, BUSH, RUMSFELD: Whew! That was close.