Top Ten Ways To Get Red Wine Out Of The Carpet

  1. Club soda

  2. Call Bizarro Jesus to turn red wine back into water

  3. Spill red wine on rest of carpet to create a dalmation pattern
  4. The Bissel Steam Vac, the only vacuum that heats tap water up to 25 degrees hotter
  5. Peer pressure
  6. Spill fish on carpet
  7. Threaten carpet with reprisals if it continues to harbor red wine
  8. Threaten red wine with reprisals if it doesn’t leave right away
  9. Replace entire carpet while one friend concocts elaborate lies about why no one else can go in there, and another friend coughs to disguise the sound of you hammering
  10. Move recliner to cover stain, then move sofa to cover stain that recliner was covering