It has become increasingly apparent from our recent correspondence that you view me as an unloving, disdainful son. This is evident from the fax I recently received titled “Top 25 grievances attributed to my unloving, disdainful son.” In it you cite remarkably specific instances in which I supposedly behaved in an uncouth manner. Most of these “grievances” are in fact based on gross misinterpretations of my intentions. I am particularly disappointed you choose to include number 16. As you and I both know, I was unaware that those family possessions had sentimental value and were not to be sold on the open market. Besides, I’m sure the dogs are much happier with their new owners.
You also claim that I don’t return calls or emails. But I believe we’ve already discussed that my time in Berkeley is limited. That’s why I attempted to accommodate your needs by setting up the fax line, which you seem to have successfully utilized to your advantage. Not to mention I also added you to the molecular biology events email circle so you’d feel closer to the university.
When I am in the vicinity of the family residence, you accuse me of not making an effort to spend time at the house, as well as continually asking, “Why hate so much?” If you must know, the true reason I cannot tolerate being in the house is the complete lack of water pressure. You see, growing up, I never understood the true pleasure of water pressure. Yet in college, the firm, pulsating massage of well-propelled water droplets makes my loins quiver as the dirt and grime from a day’s foraging are rinsed clear of my precious skin. So please be cognizant of the fact that I do not dislike the family per se; rather, I simply fear being entrapped in the low-pressure moisture cell you consider a shower. When I am in close proximity to the family, you claim that I rarely interact with others or make noises that would pass for “recognizable speech” … blah, blah, blah. Embedded in every one of my shrugs, subtle hand gestures, and facial tics is a multitude of meanings that speak beyond traditional language.
Aside from your 24 misinterpreted actions and the two dogs, I do not understand your dissatisfaction with my behavior. I harbor no distaste for the family. My perceived lack of affection is no cause for worry. If you truly feel that my time away from home has eroded our relationship, I’m not sure how to respond other than you’re loony. On a separate note, my rent is due on the 31st of this month and faxing the check is not funny.