Top Ten Ways to Avoid a Shark Attack

  1. Cover self with fun house mirrors so you look like a bigger shark
  2. Dress up like a girl shark and flirt (Warning: May result in shark rape)
  3. Play dead
  4. Be the lead character
  5. Your first day in the ocean, beat up a shark so they know who’s boss
  6. Drain world’s oceans
  7. Rethink pants made of chum
  8. Swim with a slower, fatter, more appetizing buddy
  9. Pre-emptively get mauled by bear
  10. Stop bleeding