Latest Issue
Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch
Volume 11- Issue 3

Top Ten Ways to Feel Insignificant

December 1, 2001

  1. Be a daughter born in China

  2. Turn self into pixel

  3. Appear on cover of Asianweek
  4. Ask out and be rejected by Anne Cooper, this girl in my co-op
  5. Give the best speech of your life; realize you’re mute
  6. Realize you just wasted one billion sperm
  7. Vote for Nader
  8. Imagine the depressingly small number of mourners at your hypothetical funeral following your hypothetical suicide
  9. Have sex with a 400 foot vagina
  10. Piss into the ocean
Volume 11- Issue 3

Top Ten Ways to Organize a Group Hug

December 1, 2001
  1. Misinterpret the huddle
  2. Poison people, tell them only antidote is hugging
  3. Spend $300,000 on One Campus initiative
  4. Alphabetically
  5. Join a sorority
  6. eVite
  7. Flail arms on crowded BART train
  8. Cast Robin Williams
  9. Get drunk and break down in front of your friends (based on a true story)
  10. End long-running sitcom
Volume 11- Issue 3

Top Ten Worst Things to Hear During Sex

December 1, 2001
  1. “Yeah, this is pretty good. I guess.”
  2. “Perforated condoms really let my dick breathe.”
  3. “Not only am I underage, I’m also a cop.”
  4. “It’s okay, I can’t get pregnant; I’m a man.”
  5. “They’re both stuck.”
  6. “It’s stuck.”
  7. “This is a lot better than that video I saw in Health class … today.”
  8. “I’m going back for my Rolex.”
  9. “Daddy, stop hurting Mommy.”
  10. “My diaphragm broke. No, the one I breathe with.”
Volume 11- Issue 3

Top Ten Emergencies at the Elementary School Health Office

December 1, 2001
  1. Poorly funded school system
  2. A really painful splinter under the thumbnail that no one can help you with because there’s not even really a nurse working in the so-called “health office,” and everyone’s too frightened of lawsuits to pick up a lousy pair of tweezers to help a sufferin
  3. Chronic wussiness
  4. Too-realistic earthquake drill
  5. Miscarriage
  6. PLTDs (Puppy Love Transmitted Diseases)
  7. Pok+A-mania!
  8. Mouth glued shut
  9. Tether elbow
  10. Third-degree wedgies
Volume 11- Issue 3

Top Ten Lifetime Original Movies

December 1, 2001
  1. The Making of a Lifetime Original Movie: A Lifetime Original Movie
  2. Some Dumb Movie For Women
  3. Hold On For One More Day: The Carnie Wilson Story
  4. So Many Tears
  5. Estranged Boyfriend Abortion Doctor Rape Incest
  6. Ex-Husband Killer Stalker Man
  7. My Ex-Husband Kidnapped My Baby
  8. I Can’t Have This Baby
  9. You Can’t Have My Baby
  10. Only For My Baby
Volume 11- Issue 3

Top Ten Wild Animals

December 1, 2001

  1. Spring Break Stegosaur

  2. Rabid Christmas Puppy

  3. Hoopla-potamus
  4. Safari Hamster
  5. Gay Bunny
  6. Kamikaze Calimari
  7. Free-Range Chicken
  8. Wilde-B33$t
  9. Buckaroo Duck
  10. Cowboy Bear
Volume 11- Issue 3

Top Ten Poorly Conceived Superhero Duos

December 1, 2001
  1. Etch-a-Sketch Man & Mr. Jitters
  2. Stand-Man & Can’t-Stand- Stand-Man -Man
  3. Love Man & Friend Girl
  4. Superman & Lousyman
  5. BAMN-Man & Bam-Bam
  6. Daredevil & DareJesus
  7. Chalkman & White Board
  8. Riddler & “See Answer on Page 9” Man
  9. Sharkman & Cap’n Chum
  10. Peanut Butter Man & Gum Man
Volume 11- Issue 3

Top Ten Ways to Avoid Getting Flyered on Sproul

December 1, 2001
  1. Matrix-style slo-mo moves around flyers
  2. Light self on fire
  3. Pretend you’re blind
  4. Be non-Asian / non-Greek material
  5. Say “No thanks.”
  6. Walk on your hands
  7. Hold grenade in one hand, a bomb in other, and say “Sorry, my hands are full.”
  8. Prominently display copy of California Patriot
  9. Go around with crutches, then hit flyer-distributors with crutches
  10. Yell, “You can’t flyer me; I quit!”
Volume 11- Issue 3

Top Ten Changes in Post-Taliban Kabul

December 1, 2001

  1. Everything no longer different now

  2. Kabul-3’s new armored buildings retract underground when attacked

  3. New spring break destination
  4. Deposed President gets un-hanged
  5. Women still treated like idiots, but get to wear tank tops
  6. Bin Laden posters half-price
  7. Upswing in Nancy Drew book sales as little girls learn to read
  8. Sun blocked out by kite-filled sky
  9. Everyone happy, content, free
  10. Hard Rock Cafe: Kabul