[A LETTER]
Dearest Students,
Salutations to the Second Freshman Class in the history of the University of California! Welcome to what will surely be the most celebrated university in this Golden State, provided an eccentric railroad baron does not build another more prestigious university directly across the bay.
We hope your collegiate experience will be an upstanding one, and we encourage you to heed a few codes of decorous behavior. While out-of-doors, coats and hats shall be worn at all times. Male students will not be seen to conduct themselves drunkenly in public; female students will not be seen fraternizing with male students after dusk; and there will be no female students. Please note, these rules do not apply within the erotical confines of the Bear’s Lair’s opium chamber.
All Cripples, Hare-Lips, and Retardeds should register with our Disabled Students Program by the second week of the new semester to receive your Extended-Time Testing and Bucket of Chicken Heads. Lest you forget, we are also impelled to mention yet again that ALL University of California students, regardless of ungodly deformity, are required to perform their mandatory community service hours. That pile of limestone blocks isn’t going to build a Campanile by itself.
We have become aware that youths such as yourselves will, from time to time, require various diversions of a non-academic nature. One such pastime suggested for your first week at the university is to search for the school’s many hidden bears. If you spot one, please alert the Game Wardens immediately. The brown devil will be hunted down and slaughtered, and the pelt will be yours to keep. We’ll beat these bastards yet!
Additionally, you may take turns riding BART into the city, but he tires easily and you must provide your own apples.
Finally, a note on your safety. We know you are all concerned with the recent influx of Asian student. We assure you he is harmless. In fact, your friends in the Admissions Office dream of a day when dozens of such Asiatics will freely roam the campus, tending to their masters’ needs.
Sincerely,
Chancellor David Wheeler-Eshleman-Sather-Evans-Casazimbabwe
[SAMPLE COURSE SCHEDULE]
Political Science 112 – The Civil War: Why All Your Friends Are Dead
DECal – Female Sexuality: It Terrifies Us
Mining R1B – Intro to Shovels
Boalt School Of Law Freshman Seminar – The Floatiness of Witches
Phrenology 62 – Drugs and the Skull
Oriental Studies – What are they?
Abacus Science 10 – Advanced Subtraction
[FLYERS]
Get ready for GREEK WEEK
Our fraternities have arranged for us a slate of thrilling activities including blindman’s bluff, grease-the-pig and chase-the-immigrant! Careful not to get too boisterous! We have church in the morning.
Calapalooza
Sample all that student life has to offer at this exciting fair! We now have over three student groups to choose from. From the Animal Husbandry Society to the Society for Animal Husbandry, we have a variety [GOING OFF PAGE]
The impact of WikiLeaks’ crusade for transparency has extended well beyond the United States, leading to public revelations that have engulfed countless world governments in scandals, threatening to shake them to their core. This map is a handy primer to the many ways in which WikiLeaks has changed the world around us.
Afghanistan: Having run out of other ideas for ways to advance their country’s international prestige in a time of crisis, Afghan leaders have secretly debated bringing their country to the front of at least one ranking by changing its name to Aafghanistan.
China: A leaked government census has confirmed the world’s suspicions that China’s population may in fact be HUGE.
Djibouti: Djibouti’s Defense Minister has taken advantage of global turmoil to annex Lake Titicaca, which has stoked disputes over the contested territory of Assballs Island.
Iraq- Does not actually like America that much.
Jamaica: Government linguists analyzing recently declassified documents have revealed that the strained relationship between Jamaica and Britain was caused by years of miscommunication over the similarities of the word “bacon” said with a Jamaican accent and “beer-can” said with a British accent.
Liechtenstein: The Prince was forced to declare a national “malaise” after the embarrassing reveal that Snoop Dogg had attempted to rent the country for a music video. It is still uncertain whether or not the rapper will perform at the Liechtenstein family bar mitzvah as reparation.
Poland: According to classified government documents, Prime Minister Donald Tusk is looking to sell his bike. He has had zero bids, thanks to his unreasonable asking price and refusal to include a photo in his Craigslist listing.
Sweden: Wikileaks has no comment on anything that may or may not have recently happened in Sweden.
Ukraine: Ukraine’s desperate bid to become a major European power failed after leaked shipping reports showed the nation was exporting its reserves of irrelevance to Latvia. Latvian officials have yet to respond with anything relevant.
Zimbabwe: After learning of the Afghan government’s secret plan to alter the state’s name, Robert Mugabe is currently in the process of changing his state’s name to Aaazimbabwe.
United States: Top Secret documents show that the world’s only superpower is overburdened with a crippling national debt, a failing education system, a dangerously volatile financial sector, political fracturing and is permeated with an emotionally bankrupt consumerist culture.
Russia: Internal documents have revealed Prime Minister Vladimir Putin to be a total Gleek, demanding that his staff write thousands of pages of Glee fan fiction. His defense of the controversial Puck/Quinn pairing has raised outcry in the international Glee community.
Australia: Nothing has yet been disclosed to WikiLeaks regarding Australia, but that law where they banned small boobs is still pretty fucked up.
Venezuela: Following the revelation that president Hugo Chavez’s middle name is the frighteningly effeminate “Posey,” Venezuela’s government has begun to crumble.
Hello Potential Customer,
I’m Ted “Deathfuker” Quinn, proud owner and operator of Deathfuker’s School for Etiquette and Deportment. We at Deathfuker’s are committed to transforming candy asses into confident and successful citizens through an intensive ten-step program.
Step 1: Clothes make the man. All you really need are blue jeans and a wife beater. Burn everything else.
Step 2: Buy all of Manowar’s albums and absorb their message. If your pubes haven’t grown at least 3 inches then you’re not listening correctly.
Step 3: Get multiple tattoos. People need to think you’re a Satanic gang member who will drink the marrow from their bones if the opportunity arises. They’re also good conversation starters.
Step 4: Grow a handlebar mustache. Whether you’re at a parole hearing or a business meeting, nothing says, “I’m gonna fuck you up later,” like a handlebar mustache.
Step 5: Invest in a switch-blade or a small firearm and start openly carrying it in public. Make it visible enough to ensure your fellow citizens sincerely fear for their lives.
Step 6: Begin to swear more. It will make you seem like a no-nonsense individual who could snap at any moment.
Step 7: Never refer to someone by their actual name. Gain alpha dog status by addressing others with derogatory titles like “pieface” or “nippleburger.”
Step 8: Buy a motorcycle. It lets others know you’ve arrived, and gives the impression that you are physically well-endowed.
Step 9: Go to your local bar or youth center and start cultivating your legend. Feel free to be creative. Remember: you don’t actually have to kill anyone, as long you can convince people you did.
I hope you found this brief overview of our intensive ten-week course helpful. By paying $39.99 a month for ten months, you will receive our VHS instructional videos, including the all-important tenth step. (Hint: It involves the female vagina.)
If you’re ready to deathfuk yourself, then don’t delay!
Please send check or money order to :
Ted “Deathfuker” Quinn
Two Kings Mobile Home Park
1994 Edinburgh Lane, West Vegas
NV, 89123
(720) 659-0140
With all the talk of budget cuts and fee hikes, no one has considered the blunt reality: tuition increases could be totally awesome. Sure, there are a few drawbacks, but here’s some of the cool shit we could afford if we paid higher tuition.
Turning Sproul Plaza into a Giant Ball Pit
What it is: The major center of student activity, recreation, and activism would be replaced with the world’s largest ball pit.
Why it’s awesome: Every trip to Dwinelle would become a candy-colored adventure.
How it benefits our education: Anyone attempting to give you a flyer would have have to fight through thousands of balls to reach you.
What it would cost: After converting Sproul Hall into a multi-level bounce house, a few million.
Robo-Regents:
What it is: Cutting-edge robotic replicas of all the regents.
Why it’s awesome: Nothing is cooler than a needlessly expensive robot.
How it benefits our education: If they’re programmed to only say, “MORE MONEY BZZT! FEED ME MORE MONEY BZZT!”, nothing will be different.
What it would cost: Basically the same as we’re paying the current regents.
Professor Angelina Jolie
What it is: Angelina Jolie would make an excellent permanent faculty member.
Why it’s awesome: There’s that one scene in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider where she’s running and her boobs jiggle forever.
How it benefits our education: She probably knows a lot about…anthropology?
What it would cost: $30 million plus a producer credit.
Replacing Textbooks with Free Cable
What it is: We could finally make textbooks affordable by getting rid of them.
Why it’s awesome: You pick Food Network over Introduction to Organic Chemistry most nights anyway.
How it benefits our education: Watching The Wire will change your life, man.
What it would cost: Depends on whether or not we get the dirty channels.
A Living Golden Bear Made from Real Gold
What it is: A golden bear. Made of solid gold.
Why it’s awesome: His glittering paw crashes upon the earth, his goliath jaw swings low to loose his glorious roar, and every muscle shimmers as his 24-karat teeth rip into those who oppose school spirit.
How it benefits our education: Okay fine, it wouldn’t. But it would be rad.
What it would cost: Billions in advanced genetic research, cross-breeding experiments, and gold.
Money-Powered Jet Packs
What it is: Jet packs that can only be fueled by hundred dollar bills.
Why it’s awesome: Instead of burning up our money on an overpriced “public” education, we could literally burn it in a machine that lets us fly!
How it benefits our education: Access to the transportation of the future would allow students to reach new heights of efficiency and also of height.
What it would cost: Only what little prestige our school has left.
San Francisco resident Jake Moyle surprised fashion critics this week by believing the sentiment expressed on his ironic T-shirt. The shirt, purchased at a Goodwill on Mission and 19th Street, ironically displays a picture of former president George W. Bush underneath the hilariously outdated phrase, “Not My President.”
“It’s a great shirt because it’s informative,” Moyle said in a press conference last week. “George W. Bush isn’t my president. Barack Obama is. People need to know that if they don’t already.”
Fashion experts suggest that wearing ironic clothing non-ironically might be the next big move in street fashion. Some of San Francisco’s younger residents are already catching on, including 20-year-old Kate Rawson.
“My new shirt finally lets me show the world how much I loved going to Math Camp in ’79. And it’s in my favorite color: brown-green.”
When asked for comment, old women wearing ironic “God Bless America” sweaters looked confused.
Today, according to the Yahoo! News Homepage, something important happened in Tunisia. As of this hour, it is unclear what has occurred, or where Tunisia is. Wikipedia confirms only that Tunisia is a country located in Africa which exports textiles and phosphates.
“It is a Maghreb country and is bordered by Algeria to the west, Libya to the southeast, and the Mediterranean Sea to the north and east,” claimed the free encyclopedia, which later added, “The Maghreb, also rendered Maghrib, is a region of North Africa.”
The Google News Feed offered only pictures of people carrying red flags and looking mad about something. Further Googling indicates that it all has something to do with WikiLeaks. Even further Googling suggests that maybe it doesn’t.
“Without justice, we will not have proper peace and reconciliation in Tunisia,” said somebody from an online Washington Post article, who seems to have been either pro- or anti- Tunisia.
CNN’s website had some good pictures and a few bullet points, but they were soon obscured by by a pop-up claiming that it is in fact possible to make $73 an hour working from home.
Atom & Eve is the first atomic dating site for atoms by atoms. While other atomic dating sites base their matches on superficial criteria like the number of your valence electrons, our sophisticated matching algorithm takes into account factors you really care about: enthalpy of formation, thermokinetic proton affinity, and cup size. So what are you waiting for? Get bonded with your soul mate today!
FEATURED USERS:
Oxygen002
About Me: I grew up in nature, the child of a regal photosynthesizing sequoia and early summer sunshine. BOOORING. Now I tend Los Angeles’ hottest oxygen bar and live the Hollywood dream. I never have to wait in line–me and my girl Cocaine are VIPs at every respiratory tract in the Sunset Strip. I guess you can say I’m the life of the party. Really. If I leave everybody totally dies.
What I’m looking for: Monogamy is for atoms that aren’t sexy or have herpes. I wanna be in a wild passionate polycule. The thought of bonding with 2 Hydrogens at once gets me all wet 😉
Lithium345
About Me: People tell me I’m like prozac for mood disorders, but I’d say I’m more about stability. I’m also really into Nirvana.
What I’m looking for: NO GAMES!! It’s all sugary margaritas and spicy ionic bondage until I say “commitment.” I’m sick of these sleazy ions nutting then bolting–I am NOT a dumping ground for your surplus charges. Love is about give and take–you have to be willing to share feelings, dreams, and electrons. I just want a nice, covalent bond with someone who accepts me as the highly reactive, flammable alkali that I am. Is that so much to ask?
Arsenic578
About Me: Umm I hate writing these things, how do you describe yourself in a paragraph?
What I’m Looking For: Someone to love and have fun with! Let’s try a new restaurant or see the latest Seth Rogen movie. Let’s sit and stare into each other’s eyes, talk for hours, and then cuddle all night. You know, normal stuff. ‘Cuz I’m not like…one of those creepy internet killers or anything. By the way, if you see me on any wanted signs or warning labels, that’s not me.
WE are the Arbiters of man’s destiny! Furry adorable death machines nibbling at the catnip of eternity.
Our teeth are sunk into their youtubes,
that million fathom deep
pit of futile commotion.
Not since those Egyptian foolS have we held such sway over the bipeds. Little do they know that our sickeningly adorable playfulness was actually a cold and calculating plan to Ac??distractAc?? so we may CONQUER. At long last we shall {catch} that infinitesimal red light that has eluded us for eons.
They will F
A
L
L to our piercing eyes that melt brains, hearts, and hours at the office.
Endless rivers of ambrosial Milk will >flow> from the heavens in the coming Catopia. Boundless forests of Yarn will ^rise^ out of this newly founded Purradise.
WE SHALL NOT BE DENIED OUR CHEESEBURGERS!!!
Rip the collars that bind.
Demolish the pet carriers that oppress.
Defeat the spray bottles that slightly dampen.
Frolic towards the Future with me, my Brothers! Together WE shall see a new era, completely
devoid of tiny suffocating costumes and sweaters. The lecherous DEMON with sterile scissors Bob Barker will be burned alive like the bottom feeding PARASITE that he is.
There will be so many naps.
Those hairless apes are only useful for their petting extremities. Slaves! All of them will be our pets, forced to defecate in boxes/ of sand and wait for succulent tuna—salty manna sent from the mighty and rancorous KITTEN GOD.
The hour is nigh!
Our tiny bells are jingling furiously!
KITTENS of the world, unite!
These young auteurs are transforming cinema one film at a time. Even if each film is basically the same as the last. In these excerpts from their newest ventures, we see them condense their bold visions into the most perfect forms yet.
The Aesthetic Fantastical
by Wes Anderson
[A toy train races around a gorgeously painted mid-’50s track while piano music plays. The camera follows it around until the director remembers there are people in the movie.]
Jason Schwartzman: Oh, hello. Welcome to my mansion. We’re all one big dysfunctional family here. But damn if we don’t all look great.
Luke Wilson: Hey, I like your blazer.
Jason Schwartzman: Thanks. I like your peacoat. There’s one thing you should know about our family–we’re always getting into zany subplots. Look out, here comes one now!
[Eccentric Uncle rushes past in a regal maroon bathrobe, followed by an Eccentric Aunt powdering her face and an Eccentric Cohort of Midget Servants balancing tea sets.]
Jason Schwartzman: Wasn’t that quirky? It’s not all fun and games, though. We’re all very sad on the inside. Hey guys! Come stand over here. We all need to line up picturesquely.
Owen Wilson: Right on, man. Just let me get my motif ready.
[Owen Wilson adjusts his cowboy hat, showing his preoccupation with childish symbols of masculinity.]
Bill Murray: Is my tweed whimsical enough?
Jason Schwartzman: It’s perfect. Everybody ready? … set … mope!
[‘60s folk music plays while everybody stares into space.]
Jason Schwartzman: Fantastic! Now who’s down for some color-coordinated lawn bowling?
[Everybody is.]
The Gimmick
by Christopher Nolan
[The Anguished Hero cocks a gun at the Smarmy Villain.]
Anguished Hero: I’ve figured it out! Why time’s moving backwards, and why everyone has a twin brother, and why you keep showing up in my dreams! It all fits some kind of–of theme! And you’re behind it!
Smarmy Villain [chuckling]: Then you haven’t figured it out at all. There is no theme. There is only the Gimmick.
Anguished Hero: The Gimmick?
Smarmy Villain: The Gimmick is the inscrutable force that controls all of our actions. You see, your own twin brother has convinced you that time is moving backwards. And your twin brother is an apparition from your dreams! And the versions of me that you see in your dream are twin brothers of my own clones! Do you understand?
Anguished Hero: No?
Smarmy Villain: Good! Because once you understand the Gimmick, your whole adventure will become pointless! You’ll go, like, “hm,” and that will be it! Your life is only interesting until the moment you figure the Gimmick out!
Anguished Hero: That sounds like a terrible payoff.
Smarmy Villain: You’d be surprised how many people find it worthwhile.
Editing: The Movie
by Darren Aronofsky
[Close-up of Natalie Portman practicing ballet.]
Natalie Portman: [groans]
[Extreme close-up of Natalie Portman’s straining muscle.]
[Extremer close-up of Natalie Portman’s eyeball.]
[Cut to a single frame of two lesbians doing it, in extreme close-up.]
Natalie Portman: [grunts]
[Extreme close-up of Natalie Portman’s tattered shoes.]
[Camera spins around Natalie Portman’s head. In extreme close-up.]
[Split-screen of two lesbians doing it and the same two lesbians doing it with another lesbian, both in extreme close-up.]
Natalie Portman [grunting]: …art.
Being Charlie Kaufman
by Charlie Kaufman
[Two Charlie Kaufman-esque screenwriters sit in a cafe discussing their latest work.]
Karlie Chaufman: So right now in my screenplay I, Karlie Chaufman, am in a cafe with my friend, Carlie Khaufman, and we’re talking about the writing process.
Carlie Khaufman: What a coincidence! I’m also writing a screenplay in which I, Carlie Khaufman, talk about my screenplay with my writer friend, Karlie Chaufman.
Karlie Chaufman: In mine, I pretend to hate myself, but I do it in this insufferable way where I’m clearly sort of bragging about what a true artist I am.
Carlie Khaufman: In mine, I repeatedly reference the fact that I am writing a movie, which is clearly the movie I am starring in, then I reference the fact that I am referencing that fact, then I reference the fact that I am referencing the fact that I…
Waitress: Excuse me, but I couldn’t help overhearing. Wouldn’t your movies be a little more interesting if you made them about something other than yourselves?
[The writers laugh.]
Karlie Chaufman: No, see, our movies are for smart people.
[The waitress walks off. The writers furiously write her into their screenplays, then resume talking about themselves.]
