Hip Directors

The Art of Cinema

January 1, 2011

These young auteurs are transforming cinema one film at a time. Even if each film is basically the same as the last. In these excerpts from their newest ventures, we see them condense their bold visions into the most perfect forms yet.

The Aesthetic Fantastical
by Wes Anderson
[A toy train races around a gorgeously painted mid-’50s track while piano music plays. The camera follows it around until the director remembers there are people in the movie.]
Jason Schwartzman: Oh, hello. Welcome to my mansion. We’re all one big dysfunctional family here. But damn if we don’t all look great.
Luke Wilson: Hey, I like your blazer.
Jason Schwartzman: Thanks. I like your peacoat. There’s one thing you should know about our family–we’re always getting into zany subplots. Look out, here comes one now!
[Eccentric Uncle rushes past in a regal maroon bathrobe, followed by an Eccentric Aunt powdering her face and an Eccentric Cohort of Midget Servants balancing tea sets.]
Jason Schwartzman: Wasn’t that quirky? It’s not all fun and games, though. We’re all very sad on the inside. Hey guys! Come stand over here. We all need to line up picturesquely.
Owen Wilson: Right on, man. Just let me get my motif ready.
[Owen Wilson adjusts his cowboy hat, showing his preoccupation with childish symbols of masculinity.]
Bill Murray: Is my tweed whimsical enough?
Jason Schwartzman: It’s perfect. Everybody ready? … set … mope!
[‘60s folk music plays while everybody stares into space.]
Jason Schwartzman: Fantastic! Now who’s down for some color-coordinated lawn bowling?
[Everybody is.]

The Gimmick
by Christopher Nolan
[The Anguished Hero cocks a gun at the Smarmy Villain.]
Anguished Hero: I’ve figured it out! Why time’s moving backwards, and why everyone has a twin brother, and why you keep showing up in my dreams! It all fits some kind of–of theme! And you’re behind it!
Smarmy Villain [chuckling]: Then you haven’t figured it out at all. There is no theme. There is only the Gimmick.
Anguished Hero: The Gimmick?
Smarmy Villain: The Gimmick is the inscrutable force that controls all of our actions. You see, your own twin brother has convinced you that time is moving backwards. And your twin brother is an apparition from your dreams! And the versions of me that you see in your dream are twin brothers of my own clones! Do you understand?
Anguished Hero: No?
Smarmy Villain: Good! Because once you understand the Gimmick, your whole adventure will become pointless! You’ll go, like, “hm,” and that will be it! Your life is only interesting until the moment you figure the Gimmick out!
Anguished Hero: That sounds like a terrible payoff.
Smarmy Villain: You’d be surprised how many people find it worthwhile.

Editing: The Movie
by Darren Aronofsky
[Close-up of Natalie Portman practicing ballet.]
Natalie Portman: [groans]
[Extreme close-up of Natalie Portman’s straining muscle.]
[Extremer close-up of Natalie Portman’s eyeball.]
[Cut to a single frame of two lesbians doing it, in extreme close-up.]
Natalie Portman: [grunts]
[Extreme close-up of Natalie Portman’s tattered shoes.]
[Camera spins around Natalie Portman’s head. In extreme close-up.]
[Split-screen of two lesbians doing it and the same two lesbians doing it with another lesbian, both in extreme close-up.]
Natalie Portman [grunting]: …art.

Being Charlie Kaufman
by Charlie Kaufman
[Two Charlie Kaufman-esque screenwriters sit in a cafe discussing their latest work.]
Karlie Chaufman: So right now in my screenplay I, Karlie Chaufman, am in a cafe with my friend, Carlie Khaufman, and we’re talking about the writing process.
Carlie Khaufman: What a coincidence! I’m also writing a screenplay in which I, Carlie Khaufman, talk about my screenplay with my writer friend, Karlie Chaufman.
Karlie Chaufman: In mine, I pretend to hate myself, but I do it in this insufferable way where I’m clearly sort of bragging about what a true artist I am.
Carlie Khaufman: In mine, I repeatedly reference the fact that I am writing a movie, which is clearly the movie I am starring in, then I reference the fact that I am referencing that fact, then I reference the fact that I am referencing the fact that I…
Waitress: Excuse me, but I couldn’t help overhearing. Wouldn’t your movies be a little more interesting if you made them about something other than yourselves?
[The writers laugh.]
Karlie Chaufman: No, see, our movies are for smart people.
[The waitress walks off. The writers furiously write her into their screenplays, then resume talking about themselves.]

Volume 20- Issue 3

HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT ADDERALL?

Link Stockton, Drug Dealer

January 1, 2011

feature, Woodrow Currie

What’s got two thumbs and wants to help you graduate college?
This guy!

Would you like to…

Study alone in your room for days?
Be awake until you see sunrise and then be awake some more?
Turn every activity of your waking life into a task to be completed?
Cease the regular eating and sleeping patterns of a “human being”?
Tell people you barely know personal information at high speeds?
Meet interesting people you’re fairly sure exist?

HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT ADDERALL?

My name is Link Stockton (people call me Scratch, but don’t you call me that, seriously, you DO NOT call me that) and I’ve got everything you need for finals season. Now you’ve probably been told that Adderall has “dangerous side effects” and “high potential for addiction,” but did you know the primary side effect is academic brilliance? You want to be a doctor, right? Isn’t that 4.0 worth the degeneration of your physical, mental and emotional health?

Helpful tips for first-time customers:

If you can hear your heartbeat over your music, slow down.
If you don’t snort that line right now you’re a fucking pussy.
Seeing shadow people? That’s normal. Hearing them talk? Still not a problem. Talking back? See a physician.
Don’t you fucking look at my human eyes, or I swear to God I will cut you like a card deck.

For return customers:

*Addy not doing it anymore? I also sell Dexedrine.

*Still below a 3.9? I also have Crystal meth.

*Don’t have my money? I will find you.

So if you’re ready to become the hard-working, focused, productive, focused, focused, focused genius you always wanted to be, then bring your parents’ money to the downstairs bathroom of Wheeler, and turn your academic dreams into tense, anxious reality! Unless you’re a cop, in that case forget you read this.

Volume 20- Issue 3

Welcome Week Packet for Incoming Freshmen, 1869

January 1, 2011

feature, Unfunny Asshole 1, Unfunny Asshole 2

[A LETTER]
Dearest Students,

Salutations to the Second Freshman Class in the history of the University of California! Welcome to what will surely be the most celebrated university in this Golden State, provided an eccentric railroad baron does not build another more prestigious university directly across the bay.

We hope your collegiate experience will be an upstanding one, and we encourage you to heed a few codes of decorous behavior. While out-of-doors, coats and hats shall be worn at all times. Male students will not be seen to conduct themselves drunkenly in public; female students will not be seen fraternizing with male students after dusk; and there will be no female students. Please note, these rules do not apply within the erotical confines of the Bear’s Lair’s opium chamber.

All Cripples, Hare-Lips, and Retardeds should register with our Disabled Students Program by the second week of the new semester to receive your Extended-Time Testing and Bucket of Chicken Heads. Lest you forget, we are also impelled to mention yet again that ALL University of California students, regardless of ungodly deformity, are required to perform their mandatory community service hours. That pile of limestone blocks isn’t going to build a Campanile by itself.

We have become aware that youths such as yourselves will, from time to time, require various diversions of a non-academic nature. One such pastime suggested for your first week at the university is to search for the school’s many hidden bears. If you spot one, please alert the Game Wardens immediately. The brown devil will be hunted down and slaughtered, and the pelt will be yours to keep. We’ll beat these bastards yet!

Additionally, you may take turns riding BART into the city, but he tires easily and you must provide your own apples.

Finally, a note on your safety. We know you are all concerned with the recent influx of Asian student. We assure you he is harmless. In fact, your friends in the Admissions Office dream of a day when dozens of such Asiatics will freely roam the campus, tending to their masters’ needs.

Sincerely,
Chancellor David Wheeler-Eshleman-Sather-Evans-Casazimbabwe

[SAMPLE COURSE SCHEDULE]
Political Science 112 – The Civil War: Why All Your Friends Are Dead
DECal – Female Sexuality: It Terrifies Us
Mining R1B – Intro to Shovels
Boalt School Of Law Freshman Seminar – The Floatiness of Witches
Phrenology 62 – Drugs and the Skull
Oriental Studies – What are they?
Abacus Science 10 – Advanced Subtraction

[FLYERS]
Get ready for GREEK WEEK
Our fraternities have arranged for us a slate of thrilling activities including blindman’s bluff, grease-the-pig and chase-the-immigrant! Careful not to get too boisterous! We have church in the morning.

Calapalooza
Sample all that student life has to offer at this exciting fair! We now have over three student groups to choose from. From the Animal Husbandry Society to the Society for Animal Husbandry, we have a variety [GOING OFF PAGE]

Volume 20- Issue 3

Heuristic Squelch’s Treasury of Soul-Crushing Quotes

January 1, 2011

feature

Beggars can’t be choosers, but choosers could be beggars after one little fuck-up.
If at first you don’t succeed, you’re a fucking failure.
I think therefore I’m sad.
A bird in the hand would peck your eyes out if it had the chance.
Love is like a lucky penny. If it slips through your fingers, you’ll never find it again.
People in glass houses will probably get skin cancer.
Time flies when you’re on your deathbed.
Nobody’s perfect. We’re alone in an indifferent universe.
One man’s trash will sit in a landfill forever.
When in Rome, your American dollars are nearly worthless.
A stitch in time will stop the bleeding, so be sure to lock the bathroom door before you slit your wrists.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are drowning in the gutter.
Shoot for the moon: even if you miss, you’ll starve to death in a tiny capsule.
If it ain’t broke, you’ll probably break it, you clumsy little shit.
The apple never falls far from the tree, where its seeds will never grow because sunlight cannot reach underneath that selfish goddamn tree.
Tragedy plus time equals alcoholism.
You can’t teach an old dog that its life is almost over.

Volume 20- Issue 3

How WikiLeaks Has Changed the World

January 1, 2011

feature, Will Kuffel

The impact of WikiLeaks’ crusade for transparency has extended well beyond the United States, leading to public revelations that have engulfed countless world governments in scandals, threatening to shake them to their core. This map is a handy primer to the many ways in which WikiLeaks has changed the world around us.

Afghanistan: Having run out of other ideas for ways to advance their country’s international prestige in a time of crisis, Afghan leaders have secretly debated bringing their country to the front of at least one ranking by changing its name to Aafghanistan.

China: A leaked government census has confirmed the world’s suspicions that China’s population may in fact be HUGE.

Djibouti: Djibouti’s Defense Minister has taken advantage of global turmoil to annex Lake Titicaca, which has stoked disputes over the contested territory of Assballs Island.

Iraq- Does not actually like America that much.

Jamaica: Government linguists analyzing recently declassified documents have revealed that the strained relationship between Jamaica and Britain was caused by years of miscommunication over the similarities of the word “bacon” said with a Jamaican accent and “beer-can” said with a British accent.

Liechtenstein: The Prince was forced to declare a national “malaise” after the embarrassing reveal that Snoop Dogg had attempted to rent the country for a music video. It is still uncertain whether or not the rapper will perform at the Liechtenstein family bar mitzvah as reparation.

Poland: According to classified government documents, Prime Minister Donald Tusk is looking to sell his bike. He has had zero bids, thanks to his unreasonable asking price and refusal to include a photo in his Craigslist listing.

Sweden: Wikileaks has no comment on anything that may or may not have recently happened in Sweden.

Ukraine: Ukraine’s desperate bid to become a major European power failed after leaked shipping reports showed the nation was exporting its reserves of irrelevance to Latvia. Latvian officials have yet to respond with anything relevant.

Zimbabwe: After learning of the Afghan government’s secret plan to alter the state’s name, Robert Mugabe is currently in the process of changing his state’s name to Aaazimbabwe.

United States: Top Secret documents show that the world’s only superpower is overburdened with a crippling national debt, a failing education system, a dangerously volatile financial sector, political fracturing and is permeated with an emotionally bankrupt consumerist culture.

Russia: Internal documents have revealed Prime Minister Vladimir Putin to be a total Gleek, demanding that his staff write thousands of pages of Glee fan fiction. His defense of the controversial Puck/Quinn pairing has raised outcry in the international Glee community.

Australia: Nothing has yet been disclosed to WikiLeaks regarding Australia, but that law where they banned small boobs is still pretty fucked up.

Venezuela: Following the revelation that president Hugo Chavez’s middle name is the frighteningly effeminate “Posey,” Venezuela’s government has begun to crumble.

Volume 20- Issue 3

Ted “Deathfuker” Quinn’s Finishing School for Men

January 1, 2011

Alan Carrillo, feature

Hello Potential Customer,

I’m Ted “Deathfuker” Quinn, proud owner and operator of Deathfuker’s School for Etiquette and Deportment. We at Deathfuker’s are committed to transforming candy asses into confident and successful citizens through an intensive ten-step program.

Step 1: Clothes make the man. All you really need are blue jeans and a wife beater. Burn everything else.

Step 2: Buy all of Manowar’s albums and absorb their message. If your pubes haven’t grown at least 3 inches then you’re not listening correctly.

Step 3: Get multiple tattoos. People need to think you’re a Satanic gang member who will drink the marrow from their bones if the opportunity arises. They’re also good conversation starters.

Step 4: Grow a handlebar mustache. Whether you’re at a parole hearing or a business meeting, nothing says, “I’m gonna fuck you up later,” like a handlebar mustache.

Step 5: Invest in a switch-blade or a small firearm and start openly carrying it in public. Make it visible enough to ensure your fellow citizens sincerely fear for their lives.

Step 6: Begin to swear more. It will make you seem like a no-nonsense individual who could snap at any moment.

Step 7: Never refer to someone by their actual name. Gain alpha dog status by addressing others with derogatory titles like “pieface” or “nippleburger.”

Step 8: Buy a motorcycle. It lets others know you’ve arrived, and gives the impression that you are physically well-endowed.

Step 9: Go to your local bar or youth center and start cultivating your legend. Feel free to be creative. Remember: you don’t actually have to kill anyone, as long you can convince people you did.

I hope you found this brief overview of our intensive ten-week course helpful. By paying $39.99 a month for ten months, you will receive our VHS instructional videos, including the all-important tenth step. (Hint: It involves the female vagina.)

If you’re ready to deathfuk yourself, then don’t delay!

Please send check or money order to :

Ted “Deathfuker” Quinn

Two Kings Mobile Home Park

1994 Edinburgh Lane, West Vegas

NV, 89123

(720) 659-0140

Volume 20- Issue 3

Campus Coupons

January 1, 2011

feature

These coupons are redeemable on the UC Berkeley campus only. Some restrictions may apply. Reproduction of these coupons is prohibited by law. Any other use is prohibited by law.

From your GSI:
Redeemable for one irrelevant tangent during section.

Tangent may last up to 5 minutes, 10 if it relates to my dissertation.

From the Library:
Attach this coupon to your laptop to prevent it from getting stolen when you go to the bathroom.

Even if you’re stupid enough to just leave it on the table.

From the Dining Commons:
One (1) cute girl won’t get up right when you sit down next to her.

From Unit 3 Res Hall:
Redeemable for dignity during walk of shame.

Offer not valid for walks shorter than 3 doors.

For Sproul Plaza:
Present this coupon to a flyerer just to turn the tables on those mother fuckers and blow their minds.

From STB Fraternity:
Guarantees bearer forgiveness of one party foul.

(Epic party fouls excluded.)

From your Professor:
Exchange coupon during office hours to freely express your terrible ideas.
“I’ll just let you realize on your own that everything you’re saying is wrong.”

Fror Telebears:
Enter code below to bypass waitlist.

Code: 38F6S

That is, this code will allow you to bypass the initial waitlist to get the code to talk to the code advisor, who will schedule your interview with the Registrar (Administrator) of codes, who will provide the Intent to Fill out Form form, which should be delivered to the waitlist Chancellor, who will administer your waitlist number to get into the Chamber of Codes, where you will find the Ready to Fill out Form form, which should be delivered to the code advisor, who will then explain that there is no way to graduate in four years.

Volume 20- Issue 3

Celebrities: They’re Better than Us!

Brought to you by Us Weekly

January 1, 2011

feature, Hayden Greif-Neill

UPDATE! Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have been spotted eating lunch together. Sources report they’re planning to teach us all to love again.

-Will Smith’s dogs are smarter than most college graduates.

-500 Sudanese refugees have found shelter in George Clooney’s kind eyes.

-Orange people are better than regular people!

-Our resident scientist says that Justin Bieber’s smile may be an unlimited source of minty clean energy.

-We’ve obtained Charlie Sheen’s most recent restaurant order. Very impressive order! (receipt/check says “Cheese Pizza, Beers”, handwritten)

-Ashton Kutcher can derive more joy from a baby’s laugh than a common man.

-FACT: 100% of celebrities go to heaven

-NEWS FLASH: All Hollywood janitors fired after execs remembered that celebrities make no mess.

Volume 20- Issue 3

Modern Family Spin-offs

January 1, 2011

Ameil Kenkare, feature

Sure the tender, off-beat comedy Modern Family has been successful, but FOX’s all-new Fall line-up takes “modern” to its rightful blasé extreme. Never before has one night of television so encapsulated the modern spirit and showed America what’s really real. Get modern or get out of the way.

Modern Survivor
In this fast-paced modern world, those who think survival is just about sustenance are already dead. Digital interaction is nourishment, and any time spent away from it is risking starvation. Watch as four nervous looking tween girls are forced to look at their vibrating cell phones from across the room. Could this be the missed call that ends a social life? Last one to pick up is the modern survivor.

CSI: Modern City
Enjoy the gritty realism of CSI: Miami? Try the mundane pessimism of CSI: Modern City! Watch as case after case piles up on an overworked group of crime scene investigators. Can they catch the murderer before another innocent life is taken? Nope. They’ll spend years chasing dead ends, combating bureaucracy, and facing the limitations of the outdated technology they can barely afford. Their criminology degrees from DeVry never prepared them for this!

Modern Hospital
Do you even know what a visit to the hospital is like anymore? Basic treatment to stop your pain? As if! This isn’t about you any more. Your doctors have carnal urges that must be televised. Probe the sexual lives of your doctors in Modern Hospital.

Postmodern Family
Yeah right. Like a “family” could even exist in this day and age? This show has three married lesbians (Swedish wedding) and they have an adopted baby, but they don’t even know where it is anymore. They don’t care. There’s no house where “everybody” “lives.” People just walk around kind of knowing each other. Yeah.

Volume 20- Issue 3

Atom & Eve

Online Dating for the Modern Molecule

January 1, 2011

feature, Kelly Winer

Atom & Eve is the first atomic dating site for atoms by atoms. While other atomic dating sites base their matches on superficial criteria like the number of your valence electrons, our sophisticated matching algorithm takes into account factors you really care about: enthalpy of formation, thermokinetic proton affinity, and cup size. So what are you waiting for? Get bonded with your soul mate today!

FEATURED USERS:

Oxygen002
About Me: I grew up in nature, the child of a regal photosynthesizing sequoia and early summer sunshine. BOOORING. Now I tend Los Angeles’ hottest oxygen bar and live the Hollywood dream. I never have to wait in line–me and my girl Cocaine are VIPs at every respiratory tract in the Sunset Strip. I guess you can say I’m the life of the party. Really. If I leave everybody totally dies.
What I’m looking for: Monogamy is for atoms that aren’t sexy or have herpes. I wanna be in a wild passionate polycule. The thought of bonding with 2 Hydrogens at once gets me all wet 😉

Lithium345
About Me: People tell me I’m like prozac for mood disorders, but I’d say I’m more about stability. I’m also really into Nirvana.
What I’m looking for: NO GAMES!! It’s all sugary margaritas and spicy ionic bondage until I say “commitment.” I’m sick of these sleazy ions nutting then bolting–I am NOT a dumping ground for your surplus charges. Love is about give and take–you have to be willing to share feelings, dreams, and electrons. I just want a nice, covalent bond with someone who accepts me as the highly reactive, flammable alkali that I am. Is that so much to ask?

Arsenic578
About Me: Umm I hate writing these things, how do you describe yourself in a paragraph?
What I’m Looking For: Someone to love and have fun with! Let’s try a new restaurant or see the latest Seth Rogen movie. Let’s sit and stare into each other’s eyes, talk for hours, and then cuddle all night. You know, normal stuff. ‘Cuz I’m not like…one of those creepy internet killers or anything. By the way, if you see me on any wanted signs or warning labels, that’s not me.