In a move that has shocked logicians and scientists alike, Congress has passed a ruling overturning the law of cause and effect. The ruling has severed the connection between effect and cause that was once central to any logical understanding of time and space.
In a statement released to the Associated Press, new Speaker of the House John Boehner announced, “With the Republicans back in control of the House, the basic laws of causality were the last thing holding us back from cutting taxes while increasing spending indefinitely. Further, we can now do away with wastes of time like affirmative action and veteran support, since white oppression no longer caused black impoverishment and war trauma did not cause the veterans’ crippling psychological maladies.”
“We’re effectively no longer responsible for our actions,” concluded Boehner. “The Reagan dream is a reality!”
Experts agree that the possible effects of the bill on economic and social life are uncertain, as the bill, by its own language, cannot have any effect on anything. Scientific research has come to a standstill due to its firm basis in observing causes and effects, but Republican party officials have dismissed this loss citing the fact that they “never really paid attention to science anyway.”
“Personally I think it’s about time someone took this kind of action,” said famed Scottish skeptic, David Hume, whose death in 1776 no longer necessitates him staying dead. “Causal relations were always only a speculation, a belief and not a…” At this point Hume died once more, returned to life, died again, and was resurrected in a small town in rural South Dakota, where he could not be reached for further comments.
Though some legal scholars have called into question Congress’s Constitutional and metaphysical power to enforce the bill, the ruling is still set to go into effect January 3, two weeks before the bill was passed.