Things I Wouldn’t Mind Raising Tuition For

With all the talk of budget cuts and fee hikes, no one has considered the blunt reality: tuition increases could be totally awesome. Sure, there are a few drawbacks, but here’s some of the cool shit we could afford if we paid higher tuition.

Turning Sproul Plaza into a Giant Ball Pit
What it is: The major center of student activity, recreation, and activism would be replaced with the world’s largest ball pit.
Why it’s awesome: Every trip to Dwinelle would become a candy-colored adventure.
How it benefits our education: Anyone attempting to give you a flyer would have have to fight through thousands of balls to reach you.
What it would cost: After converting Sproul Hall into a multi-level bounce house, a few million.

What it is: Cutting-edge robotic replicas of all the regents.
Why it’s awesome: Nothing is cooler than a needlessly expensive robot.
How it benefits our education: If they’re programmed to only say, “MORE MONEY BZZT! FEED ME MORE MONEY BZZT!”, nothing will be different.
What it would cost: Basically the same as we’re paying the current regents.

Professor Angelina Jolie
What it is: Angelina Jolie would make an excellent permanent faculty member.
Why it’s awesome: There’s that one scene in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider where she’s running and her boobs jiggle forever.
How it benefits our education: She probably knows a lot about…anthropology?
What it would cost: $30 million plus a producer credit.

Replacing Textbooks with Free Cable
What it is: We could finally make textbooks affordable by getting rid of them.
Why it’s awesome: You pick Food Network over Introduction to Organic Chemistry most nights anyway.
How it benefits our education: Watching The Wire will change your life, man.
What it would cost: Depends on whether or not we get the dirty channels.

A Living Golden Bear Made from Real Gold
What it is: A golden bear. Made of solid gold.
Why it’s awesome: His glittering paw crashes upon the earth, his goliath jaw swings low to loose his glorious roar, and every muscle shimmers as his 24-karat teeth rip into those who oppose school spirit.
How it benefits our education: Okay fine, it wouldn’t. But it would be rad.
What it would cost: Billions in advanced genetic research, cross-breeding experiments, and gold.

Money-Powered Jet Packs
What it is: Jet packs that can only be fueled by hundred dollar bills.
Why it’s awesome: Instead of burning up our money on an overpriced “public” education, we could literally burn it in a machine that lets us fly!
How it benefits our education: Access to the transportation of the future would allow students to reach new heights of efficiency and also of height.
What it would cost: Only what little prestige our school has left.