1979: Overpopulation leads to water shortage and rampant cannibalism. Also, pastel pants fashionable.
1980: All vehicles now legally required to have doors that open vertically.
1982: New lethal strain of Saturday Night Fever discovered.
1983: First moon colony in which the colonists don’t go crazy and eat each other established.
1985: John Lennon continues to live a full and happy life.
1987: Cell phones not only not invented, but phone cords actually get thicker.
1989: World War III ends.
1990: Expensive and inefficient cocaine replaced by ZAP. Long distance truckers and disaffected thrillseekers rejoice.
1993: The Disco Renaissance.
2001: Jesus returns. Sort of a letdown.
2034: Thanks to expansion of ARPANET, 800 baud fax/modems now available at neary every major university. They feature vertical doors.
3968: Wary astronaut discovers that intelligent apes have taken over the planet Earth…in the 2000th-anniversary rerelease of Planet of the Apes. The movie does not hold up well over time.
In my job search, I’ve found there to be certain unnecessary equalities arbitrarily built into our legal system. The Civil Rights Act, Americans with Disabilities Act, and U.S. Constitution are way too progressive for my liking. I mean, how can these bleeding-heart, unbiased corporate executives ever hope to hire anyone qualified for the position? Hey execs, the world doesn’t need another Mahatma Gandhi. We therefore must enforce discrimination and prejudice policies to ensure that able-bodied, white, heterosexual males are employers’ top priorities.
Interview One
CEO: Explain some of your work experience, please.
Melissa: Well, I worked at Mercer for three years as a financial consultant before working as…
CEO: No, no, no. Explain your work experience. [Makes handjob motion]
Melissa: Oh, that wasn’t on my resume? Weird. Well, I’ve given 74 handjobs, 65 blowjobs, and four rimjobs.
CEO: [Face lights up] You certainly seem qualified for the position, but I would like you to work through a case study. [Unzips pants] Don’t worry, there’s no math involved.
Melissa: Great, math disgusts me. [Crawls under desk]
Interview Two
CEO: Wow, how did you find a parking space?
Allen: I was driven here by my father.
CEO: Oh, so he feels guilty for producing a bad seed, does he?
Allen: I lost my legs in the Iraq War, if that’s what you’re referring to.
CEO: It looks like you also lost your dignity, your sense of value, what would appear to be your right index finger, and a job opportunity here.
Allen: If I had any legs, I’d kick you in the balls.
CEO: If you had any legs, you’d kick Melissa in the head as she sucked my two balls.
Melissa: [Lifts up head] I thought you said there’d be no math.
Interview Three
CEO: It says here you’re incredibly lazy.
Dancing Bear: Where does it say that?
CEO: Across your Mexican face! [Slaps self high-five]
Dancing Bear: I’m not Mexican. I’m Native American.
CEO: Oh, in that case, I have a joke. How many Native Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? All three of them. You and your
two drunk friends probably named something stupid like “Fire Belly” and “Fixes Lightbulbs.”
Dancing Bear: I see now that my type is not welcomed in these parts. Unless, of course, you still need that lightbulb changed.
CEO: I sure do.
Dancing Bear: [Reaches for phone and calls his two remaining friends, Fire Belly and Fixes Lightbulbs]
Interview Four
CEO: Let’s start by looking over your resume and vagina. In fact, can I grab your boobs?
Cicely: Jesus, what kind of girl do you think I am? I will not jeopardize my morals…unless, of course, I am offered a job first.
CEO: Will you bring your hard work ethic and breasts to work every day?
Cicely: I’ll bring my breasts.
CEO: What about your work eth…oh fuck it. You’re hired. Pull your hair back and let me show you around the office. [Points beneath
desk] Oh, by the way, that’s Melissa.
Melissa: Hrumph humph.
Interview Five
CEO: I’m not sure if we have the facilities to accommodate your disabilities.
Carl: Disabilities?
CEO: Did I say “disabilities”? Because I meant to say “your fat fucking ass.”
Carl: I know I have a bit of a weight problem, but I’m currently trying to shed some pounds.
CEO: Does your plan include seeing doctors who could internally give you liposuction or gastro-bypass surgery?
Carl: Yes; yes it does.
CEO: Well, in that case, I must recommend my friend Martin Stokee. He’s very good. He did my wife’s penis reduction surgery.
Carl: Your wife has a penis?
CEO: A reduced penis, yes. At least she has an employed husband, which is more than your wife can say. Now let me get a team of secretaries to lower you out of here.
Everyone needs an enemies list. With all the talk of national disunity and the red/blue divide, I figure this “healing” is just a clever tactic. That’s right, they lull you into a false sense of security, then BAM, Senator Joe Biden (D-DE) punches you in the face and takes your shoes.
And that’s why I need an enemies list. But how to make one? Remember, Richard Nixon had one, and now he’s dead. Lesson: Never pick “natural causes” as an enemy.
The key to making good enemies is picking people who are less powerful than you.
Enemy #1: The Pope. I could take that guy. What, are you gonna release some doves at me?
Lesson: Have an enemy you hate with the sum total of all evil since the original sin.
Enemy #2: Little Debbie. She knows what she did.
Lesson: Consolidate your efforts to save time.
Enemy #3: A paranoid schizophrenic. That way, you can hate six people for the price of one. That’s not hating harder, that’s hating smarter.
Lesson: Don’t hate anyone that can get you in trouble for hating them under hate crime laws.
Enemy #4: Hate crime laws. Anything that prevents me from having more enemies is my enemy. Okay, now I’m done blowing your mind.
Lesson: Don’t write anything that other people are going to read if your writing is so bad that it makes depressed war widows cry onto puppies with two legs. And they’re both hind legs. How do the puppies walk, you ask? With their chins.
Enemy #5: Daily Cal columnists Eitan Bencuya and David Pekema. They know what they did.
Enemy #6: Endings
A recent survey reveals that, in casual speech, the “Jr.” is omitted from the end of “Martin Luther King” 67% of the time. “This not only detracts from Martin Luther King Jr.’s well-deserved recognition, but also gives undo respect to his father,” said Revel Washington, professor of African-American Studies at UC Berkeley. “I hear people all the time say ‘It’s on MLK’ or ‘Martin Luther King Day.’ Though a respected reverend, Martin Luther King Sr. by no means deserves this undo recognition.”
