Sophomore William Hammersmith’s father was dismayed to learn yesterday that his son would be unable to “spend a semester flipping
burgers if you want a car,” because he is too un-Mexican.
“I’m a white male aged 18 to 35 GAA I can’t even get hired as a waiter,” Hammersmith lamented. “I looked all over and there was only one job
I could get.” Hammersmith then excused himself to dictate a memo to his executive assistant and put a down payment on a houseboat in Sausalito.
Thanks to an extreme statistical improbability and several lucrative cross-licensing agreements,
twelve superheroes were called to serve as jurors in the murder case of State of New York vs. Lorenthal Smith.
Jury Selection
Judge: Okay, you’re now officially on the
jury, Batman. Call the next potential juror.
Bailiff: The court calls Bruce Wayne.
[Pause]
Batman: Yeah, I think he went to the bathroom. Let me go get him… [Runs from room]
Bailiff: Then the court calls Wolverine, the rugged loner who plays by his own rules.
Green Lantern: He didn’t show up.
Bailiff: Oh. That makes sense.
Bruce Wayne: [Bursting in] Sorry I’m late!
Judge: Why are you wearing a black leather
cape…and a cowl…and holding sixteen Batarangs?
Bruce Wayne: I have to go to the bathroom again.
Prosecution Examines Witness
Prosecutor: Now, Mr. Capelli, did you or
did you not hear the defendant say that he wished his father was dead?
Professor X: He did.
Judge: Please stop answering for the witness, Professor.
Professor X: Very well.
Judge: And stop subtly passing me mental suggestions for snack breaks.
Super Diabetic Man: Awww!
Prosecution Presents Evidence
Prosecutor: As you can see in these crime
scene photographs, the victim was shot six times, then disemboweled.
Superman: Whoa, whoa, whoa! According to the Comics Code Authority, you’re not allowed to explicitly present the unique details and methods of a crime.
Prosecutor: But GAA
Superman: No buts! Everyone shut your eyes. Oh, except all you Vertigo guys.
The Sandman: Fuck, shit, rape scene.
Questions for the Judge
Judge: Mr. Foreman, I understand that the
jury has some questions about the case?
Green Lantern: That’s correct.
Judge: Go ahead.
Green Lantern: How many issues will the
victim stay dead for?
Judge: For the last time, the victim was shot in the head. He’s not coming back.
Green Lantern: Not even for a reunion issue? What about continuity resets?
Judge: No.
Superman: What’s the big deal about getting shot, anyway? I don’t think I understand
the case.
Deliberation
Batman: So then we’re all agreed that he’s
guilty?
Captain America: Wait, we haven’t heard
Bruce Wayne’s vote.
Batman: Goddammit, for the last time, he
said he was voting with me!
Captain America: Well, I’m not about to circumvent our legal system for Mr. Wayne’s food poisoning. I vote not guilty.
Green Lantern: We’re gonna be here all night! Days maybe! This is just like in 12 Angry Men!
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me
when I’m angry…
Green Lantern: But this could take weeks!
Months!
Bruce Banner: Stop it, stop it, stop it!
Green Lantern: We won’t see our families for a year! All because of Captain “Ameri-Can’t-Condemn-a-Guy-to-Death” over there!
The Hulk: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [Throws Captain America out window]
Batman: All right, guilty it is.
The San Jose Airport Hilton was the scene of a tragedy Thursday, as fifteen people were attacked by a wayward bear. The Alaskan Kodiak, escaped from a nearby zoo, became enraged when numerous “furry” fetishists tried to have sex with it.
“Furroticon ’05,” as it was dubbed by organizers, was an otherwise peaceable gathering of faux-bestiality enthusiasts. Moments after the 1800-pound bear entered the convention hall, no fewer than four people wearing crotchless animal costumes tried to initiate intercourse with the very real animal.
The convention, a meeting of people with sexual fetishes for people dressed in animal costumes, was declared “a disaster” by attendees. After repeated attempts by the furries to copulate with and/or on the bear, it became enraged and started mauling nearby people.
“Sure, I wanted to fuck it,” said convention participant John Fordham. “But as soon as I waved my dick around to signal that I wanted to have sex with a stranger dressed like a bear, I knew something was wrong.”
