Berkeley Bong Ripping Contest Violates Law of Non-contradiction

Last weekend, Berkeley’s most notorious potheads faced off in a battle of lung capacity and “sheer stoner righteousness,” resulting in a logical paradox of G+A|delian proportions.

The paradox arose from the identification of the contest’s apparent winner, David Resinbauch, as “a big fuckin’ loser” and “a major punk.” This fact received further support in the interview that followed Resinbauch’s victory, in which he meticulously described the weeks of training that preceded the contest. “Imagine like a Rocky montage, only instead of ‘Eye of the Tiger’ playing, it’s that Phish song with the tambourine,” said the impotent ne’er-do-well.

Resinbauch won the contest after managing to cash a 1.2-gram bowl in a single breath, thus securing his status both as the Superman of burnouts and a huge goober. While Berkeley’s experts in formal logic and cannabis culture are still working out the ramifications of “the stoner’s paradox,” it has already been agreed that the other competitors can simply be categorized as losers.