I knew something had to be done the morning1 the button popped off my jeans2. Shocked and appalled, I realized that I could no longer ignore the cold, hard truth reflected3 in the mirror on the wall4. I was fat5.
It was time for me to stop being a “passenger in life”6 and to start thinking of myself as the healthy person I knew I could become. I immediately slipped into my house robe7 and walked8 into the kitchen, determined to change my eating habits once and for all. First stop: the refrigerator. I peered in and took a quick inventory. Milk9, eggs10, butter11, beer12…no wonder I’d packed on the pounds. In a defiant display of strength and willpower, I grabbed13 each and every item and threw14 them all into the garbage can. Now I could start anew.
I remembered recently seeing a local newspaper ad announcing the opening of a new gym15 called Curves created just for women. My curiosity piqued, I decided to drive16 into town and check it out for myself. As I passed17 through the sliding glass doors, I was greeted by the smiling face of the receptionist.
“Welcome to Curves! I’m Shelly18. How can I help you?”
“Hi Shirley19. I’m interested in losing a few pounds,” I answered, glancing down at my protruding belly20.
“Well, you’ve come to the right place! Here, we offer state-of-the-art exercise machines complete with a personalized nutrition plan just for you!”
I hesitated. “I’ve never been very good at dieting21…”
“Don’t worry!” she reassured. “We understand that most women have an insatiable sweet tooth. That’s why we promote SplendaTM22. It’s made from sugar23, so it tastes like sugar24. It even measures cup25 for cup26 like sugar27 so you can use it in baking28!”
I was becoming more and more convinced that this was the place for me. Shelly explained that their simple program takes only 30 minutes a week and offers a support network of other women in pursuit of their fitness goals. I signed up immediately.
It’s now three months later, and I’ve already lost 40 pounds29 and dropped three dress30 sizes. I’m the happiest I’ve been in 2031 years. I’m loving life and the new me. Thank you, Curves.
1 evening 2 cape 3 unseen 4 bolted to the inside lid of my silk-lined coffin 5 so fat that my bellyi hung over the edge of my jeansii 6 Phillip C. McGraw, “Dr. Phil’s Weight Loss Advice to His Family,” DrPhil.com, 2004 Harpo Productions, 14 November 2004 <http://www.drphil.com/weightloss/weightloss.jhtml?contentId=2078_family.xml§ion=Weight+Loss+Challenge&subsection=Tips>. 7 turned into a bat 8 flew slowly and awkwardly, hindered by my upper wing fat 9 plasma 10 platelets 11 Fe+2 12 Fat Tire Amber Ale 13 knocked over with my fat bat wing 14 tried in vain to pick them up with my fat bat wings until I got frustrated and used my extrasensory bat powers to will 15 fitness center 16 slowly, awkwardly fly 17 reassumed a human form and lumbered 18 Shirley 19 [sic] 20 neck chub 21 not sucking up blood through a pair of pearly white cuspids 22 HemoglobaTM 23 blood 24 blood 25 pint 26 Ibid. 27 blood 28 protein shakes 29 grams, when in bat form 30 cape 31 4.294967296 +A1 1041 32 Cassie Wu