Have you ever wondered what happens when you take a fat kid’s peach cobbler? He sits on you. That’s right, he sits on you as he eats the rest of his peach cobbler, wishing it was a la mode. That’s why six years ago I used all the knowledge I could remember from that time I watched the Eddie Murphy version of Dr. Dolittle to learn to speak with animals. Confused? Think about it this way: who needs peach cobbler when you can have that fat bastard mauled by a grizzly bear? That may sound impressive, but my exploits with my ironically dubbed “animal henchmen” have gone far beyond a simple mauling:
Talking to my dog
Dog: Okay, so I run over and jump on that woman over there?
Me: …And then I come pull you off and apologize…
(Dog runs over and jumps on woman)
Me: Oh! My goodness, I’m sorry, miss, sometimes he gets away from me.
Woman: Oh, it’s okay, my husband’s dog does it all the time and his dog is a bit stronger…I’m used to it.
Dog: (to me) Shit.
Woman: (being leg-humped by dog) Oh, my!
Me: Stay the course, little buddy, stay the course.
Deciding the Ultimate Question: Who would win in a fight to the death, a rhinoceros or a polar bear?
Me: Hey polar bear GAA I saw that rhino with your mom at Ikea the other day, shopping for a new kitchen.
Polar Bear: What?
Me: Yeah, called your dad a deadbeat too. I figure he’s got his eye on her ever since the breakup.
Polar Bear: WhaGAA I’m not taking some puddle-drinking, pig-looking motherfucker for no father!
Winning the first prize on America’s Funniest Home Videos
Me: All right, remember your cues, people! First the cat goes for a drink of water in the toilet, then what happens?
Mouse: Then I run past the toilet.
Cat: And I freak out and fall into the toilet.
Me: Perfect. That $1,000 is as good as mine!
Mouse: I just don’t see my motivation in this scene.
Cat: Hey c’mon Mouse, have a little trust in our distinguished director.
Mouse: That’s funny, I thought kissing his ass was the gerbil’s job.
Me: Cut! Quit recording!
Using the super-intelligence of certain animals to get through college
Me: Hey Dolphin, what’s the Third Law of Thermodynamics?
Dolphin: Man, didn’t you study at all? You know you can’t take me into tests with you.
Me: C’mon Dolphy, if you help me out, I’ll give you a treat…
Dolphin: Fine. Just take this underwater radio earpiece I invented and I’ll give you the answers during your tests.
Me: Awww Dolphy, you’re the best! Here, have a fish.
Fish: AAAAAHHHHH! OH GOD NO! MAKE THE PAIN STGAA
What Eddie Murphy never thought of was: Why talk only to animals?
Me: Hey Crabs, do you think maybe you could, y’know, leave my genitals?
Crab: Sure, why didn’tcha ask before?
Me: (waiting) So, when do you think you might be taking off?
Crab: Oh, about a week ago, right before you had sex with the woman in the Arco men’s room.
Other Crab: SNAP!