Almost Straight Man Drives Silver Jetta

The sexual orientation of handsomely disheveled res-comp worker Tom Marcus was called into question this Christmas when he was given a silver Volkswagen Jetta by his parents.

“It’s a really nice car,” said longtime friend Cassie Cho. “Yeah! If I had a car that’s exactly the kind I’d get,” added a prepubescent girl. Marcus’s girlfriend, Stephanie Wang, declined to comment, opting instead to weep softly in the corner and occasionally sniffle the phrases “I really thought he was the one” and “There is no god.”

Marcus, however, is confident enough in his heterosexuality to realize that a man is not defined by the car he drives. “I’ve only ever made out with like one guy,” he said. “That doesn’t make you gay, does it?” When asked where he intends to park the car, Marcus replied, “Jesus Christ, it was just one fucking guy! And I was thinking about a girl half the time, so that’s really only like point-five guys, right? Did I mention how much I love Ashanti?”

The Jetta came with a leather interior, heated seats, and a trunk full of Orlando Bloom publicity photos, which Marcus defensively insists he “only reads for the articles.”