California law stipulates that all convicted sex offenders must register their name and address with the state. However, many slip through the cracks in this system. By not technically breaking any laws, a few perverted, depraved individuals roam free and non-humiliated. As the campus’ shining beacon of morality, the Squelch is compelled to provide you with a list of unregistered sex offenders.**

Name**: Grant Pollard
Age : 18
Infraction(s) :

• Blatantly masturbated in dorm room while roommate had obviously not gone to sleep yet.

• Masturbated to thought of female antagonist from High School Musical.

• DC++ profile filled exclusively with horrifying cartoon porn.
  Precautions :

If you are a cute Asian girl who is into Playstation 3 and anime, continue to not exist in the general vicinity of Foothill.

Name : Lizzy Klein
Age : 20
Infraction(s) :

• Stuck finger in boyfriend’s ass before making sure it was cool with him first.

• It was not.

• Keeps getting yeast infections, which while not entirely her fault, is still pretty annoying and gross.
  Precautions :

If around the Shattuck area, do not state that you might be into pegging after getting drunk a couple days before her birthday. Never again, man. Never again.

Name : Alexis Cho
Age : 20
Description : Overly Liberated Asian Girl
Infraction(s) :

• Leaves vibrator in dishwasher.

• Constantly claims to be bisexual because she made out with a girl at a party once.
  Precautions :

Try not to remind her of men or women. Use gender-neutral pronouns/words. Reproduce through mitosis.

Name : Aria Alger
Age : 12?
Infraction(s) :

• Is hot.

• Flawless makeup and godly push-up bra.
  Precautions :

Come on dude, keep it together dude.

Name : Charlie
Age : 56 (dog years)
Description : Very bad boy
Infraction(s) :

• Unwanted dry humping of pants legs.

• Lecherous drooling.

• Refusal to wear clothes in public.
  Precautions :

Dog whistles, rape whistles, and dog-rape whistles should be carried at all times. Alternatively, suspect can be distracted by squirrels, which are available for free at most rape-prevention workshops.

“So why are you here?”

“I hear… I hear you know computers. I’ve got electronic mail to send to my grandson. But I’m scared and confused.”

“Say no more.”

Walter powered up the desktop of his gleaming new Apple II. As if cured suddenly of arthritis, his fingers flew across the keyboard, effortlessly opening the icons. He was double, even triple-clicking. Soon the internet  command prompt screen was in view, ready for the street address of the website.

“You got onto the Internet without a password?” asked Edith, wowed by the technical wizardry before her.

Walter took a drag from his Meerschaum pipe. “That’s right. I’m a hacker. Folks in the cyber-land call me MetaMucil.”

Just then, Edith realized what she was getting into.

“You’re not worried they’ll catch you?”

“There’s no way. I’m running on five operating systems.”

Walter then dragged the “cursor” over Edith’s poem about Jesus onto the web’s page and quickly pressed a combination of buttons on the computer’s typewriter.

“You weren’t followed here, were you?” he said suddenly, affixing her with eyes that had seen so much.

“No. I took back routes, deserted ones. Accidentally drove very slowly past the place a couple times.”

Opening up a second “window,” Walter tapped a second combination, causing the exact poem to appear once again.

“What else can you do on the Interface?” she asked, her eyes betraying her increasing nervousness and rheumatism.

“Whatever you want, dearie. MIDI of Camptown Races? Two clicks, and bam, it’s there. Pictures of the cutest cats you’ve ever seen? Just six URLs away.”

Suddenly, another window popped up on the screen with the mysterious and foreboding title of “ AIM Conversation – ~BaBy-gUrL-819~ 10:19 AM. ”

Damn, thought Walter, we’ve been counter-hacked.

“We got trouble, Edith. Someone’s on to us…and they don’t like what we’re doing.” Sweat trickled down Walter’s normally cool brow as he read the window’s cryptic message:

~BaBy-gUrL-819~ (10:19:20): Hey there stud. Wanna chat some time? Check out my page here. I’ll be waiting...;)

Edith was visibly shaken. “What does it mean, Walter? What does it mean?”

“It’s code. Probably the feds. There’s no time to build a firewall, I’m just going to have to fight this virus head on.”

As the clock rushed, Walter typed as hard as he could, hitting every possible combination of the control key and a letter in a matter of minutes. The window finally disappeared behind another window informing him that updates were available for his computer.

“We’re in the clear,” he sighed.

After Walter finished typing Edith’s grandson’s full name into the “Send To” form on the e-mailing website and hit the enter key, he turned to her.

“Now. There’s the little matter of payment.”

Edith, eager to escape Walter’s den of inter-crime, plunked down the jar of pennies and headed for the door.

**An Ironclad Chicken-Coop: the Strom Thurmond Story **

Starring The Rock as Young Strom and A Wrinkly Leather Puppet as Old Strom
Tagline : “Great times make great oldest men in the world.”
Chronicles subject’s harrowing struggle against : African-American Nurse Clementine.
Authentic dialogue :

Thurmond : “Clementine, you biscuit-headed mongrel-cow. Bring your Nubian rump into the conservatory at once, before I have it stuffed and mounted like the common hippopotamus you are!”
Clementine : “Fuck this, I quit.”
Thurmond : [dies]

Film ends when : Strom’s death brings about a wave of nostalgic racism throughout the South.

**Free Mumia: The “Free Mumia” Story **

Starring Malcolm Jamal-Warner as Mumia
Tagline : “The amazing true story of Mumia, an innocent Black Panther out for a stroll who witnessed a cop shoot himself five times in the face. Also, coincidentally, the cop had just shot Mumia’s brother. Also then Mumia picked up the cop’s gun and shot himself with it. Also he had powder burns.”
Chronicle’s subject’s harrowing struggle against : Own Alleged Demons.
Authentic dialogue :

Mumia : Scrappy, I need you to be strong and listen to me for a while, okay? Some people think I did a bad thing, so I’ll have to go away for a while. I need you to take these books to the homeless shelter for me.
Scrappy the Orphan : Oh my gosh! What do they think you did?
Mumia : They…They think I shot a white police officer five times.
Scrappy the Orphan : But you love white police officers!
Mumia : I know, it’s crazy. I forgive them though, they’re just doing their jobs.
Scrappy the Orphan : But who will volunteer at the abused dog shelter with me?
Mumia : I don’t know, Scrappy. I just don’t know.

Film ends when : Mumia dies for our sins. As he ascends to heaven, all white people become black for a

day.

**Beelzebooze: the Stephen Baldwin Story **

Starring Billy Baldwin as Stephen Baldwin
Tagline : “You can’t drink a Bible.”
Chronicles subject’s harrowing struggle against : Alcoholism, Retarded-Looking Face
Authentic dialogue :

Stephen : (praying) “Okay, Lord. Guide my hand. I sort of quit all the drinking like you requested, and I even made a Christian skateboarding team, which I’m sure you’ll find awesome in a most extreme way. Now please. What am I to do now?”
Jesus : “Star in some movies about giant snakes for a while.”
Stephen : “Righteous!”

Film ends when : Stephen triumphs over his alcoholism long enough to victoriously star as Barney Rubble in a straight-to-DVD Flintstones movie again.