Latest Issue
Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch

EECS Nude Protest Fails to Arouse Excitement, Anyone

Although intended as a highly provocative show of support for the Net Neutrality Act, a nude protest staged this week by hundreds of EECS majors failed to garner the attention of the Berkeley student body.

“Mario Savio must be rolling in his grave,” said third-year nude protester Geoffrey Hsu, in an acne-ridden statement from just outside California Hall. “People don’t realize that Net Neutrality isn’t just an issue for electrical engineers: it’s an issue for chemical and mechanical engineers too.”

Stirred by their companion’s brave message of unity, Shu’s fellow protesters shouted their approval and leaped into the air, causing their dicks to spin in unison like so many silent wind chimes.

In a carefully worded and fully clothed press statement earlier this morning, Birgeneau expressed guarded, cautiously worded support for the message of the protesters.

“Let’s fund the shit out of this protest,” Birgeneau was quoted as saying. “Anything that helps me illegally download Entourage episodes is fine by me.”

Volume 17, Issue 1: Leper Fight

Alan Greenspan Pretty Sure New Best Friend is Actually CNN Obituary Writer

VIRGINIA (DS) – Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan has recently been seen visiting various parks, zoos, and other relaxing locations with a new best friend. But the 81-year-old’s joy at finding a new chum has been marred by suspicion after discovering that his friend, James Marston, is the lead obituary writer for CNN.com.

“Well, I don’t meet a lot of people, being as old as I am, and I was so happy to meet this nice young man in the park,” said a genial Greenspan in an interview on his porch where he dispenses home-spun economic wisdom to neighborhood children. “But then I started noticing, James keeps bringing a notebook wherever we go, and he’s always writing down things I say, and once I coughed real hard and he leaned in real close like he was waiting for something.”

When confronted, Mr. Marston assured Mr. Greenspan that there was nothing false or sinister about their relationship and the two shared a hearty hug. “Your friendship just means so much to me,” said Marston, before clapping and screaming “BOO!” directly into Mr. Greenspan’s face.

NecronomiCon

Welcome to the 2007 NecronomiCon, the premier trade event for evil wizards. You can pick up your name tags at the registration table, located in the heart of the Obsidian Monolith on the Island of Forgotten Souls on the Lake of Eternal Fire which is guarded by the eight-headed Thunder Sphinx whose true name is a thousand whispered secrets. Hand stamps will be required for re-entry.

Below is a tentative schedule of events.

Monday
12 noon : Dragon training workshop with professional dragon trainer Stubby-the-Oft-Injured
12 noon : How to use your Time Talisman
12 noon 70 years ago : Oops! Time Talisman Repair Workshop

Tuesday

Panel discussions about Evil Wizardom’s most pressing issues
Room 1A : Those Meddling Kids: Tips on Annihilating The Underage
Room 2A : Converting your Pentagrams to Quadragrams: Save Time and Money
Room 10 : Blood Sacrifices, Personal Sacrifices: How to Balance Work and Family
Utility Closet B : Dark Wizards: Being a Minority in the Wizarding World

Wednesday
All Day : Diablo II Tournament

Thursday
8AM to 2PM : Trade Show

Buy and sell your evil, accursed wares with over 2000 distributors. Get free mousepads, keychains, bottle openers, and gloves for your wizened hands.
3PM : Breed Your Own Army of Darkness… For Less!

A money-saving seminar co-hosted by Saruman the White and Tony Robbins

Friday
10AM : Blood oaths and raffle
12PM : Closing address from the multidimensional octopus who controls Rupert Murdoch

From everyone on the NecronomiCon organizing committee, we look forward to a great week of networking, telekinetic mutilation, and fun fun FUN! Thanks to all our volunteers, and an extra special thanks to our gracious hosts at the Grand Rapids Airport Marriott. Hail Satan!

Unregistered Sex Offenders

California law stipulates that all convicted sex offenders must register their name and address with the state. However, many slip through the cracks in this system. By not technically breaking any laws, a few perverted, depraved individuals roam free and non-humiliated. As the campus’ shining beacon of morality, the Squelch is compelled to provide you with a list of unregistered sex offenders.**

Name**: Grant Pollard
Age : 18
Infraction(s) :

  • Blatantly masturbated in dorm room while roommate had obviously not gone to sleep yet.

  • Masturbated to thought of female antagonist from High School Musical.

  • DC++ profile filled exclusively with horrifying cartoon porn.
    Precautions :

If you are a cute Asian girl who is into Playstation 3 and anime, continue to not exist in the general vicinity of Foothill.

Name : Lizzy Klein
Age : 20
Infraction(s) :

  • Stuck finger in boyfriend’s ass before making sure it was cool with him first.

  • It was not.

  • Keeps getting yeast infections, which while not entirely her fault, is still pretty annoying and gross.
    Precautions :

If around the Shattuck area, do not state that you might be into pegging after getting drunk a couple days before her birthday. Never again, man. Never again.

Name : Alexis Cho
Age : 20
Description : Overly Liberated Asian Girl
Infraction(s) :

  • Leaves vibrator in dishwasher.

  • Constantly claims to be bisexual because she made out with a girl at a party once.
    Precautions :

Try not to remind her of men or women. Use gender-neutral pronouns/words. Reproduce through mitosis.

Name : Aria Alger
Age : 12?
Infraction(s) :

  • Is hot.

  • Flawless makeup and godly push-up bra.
    Precautions :

Come on dude, keep it together dude.

Name : Charlie
Age : 56 (dog years)
Description : Very bad boy
Infraction(s) :

  • Unwanted dry humping of pants legs.

  • Lecherous drooling.

  • Refusal to wear clothes in public.
    Precautions :

Dog whistles, rape whistles, and dog-rape whistles should be carried at all times. Alternatively, suspect can be distracted by squirrels, which are available for free at most rape-prevention workshops.

Federal Trade Commission Starts, End Google Anti-trust Suit

WASHINGTON, D.C. (DS) – On the cusp of Google’s planned buyout of DoubleClick, the online advertising industry’s leading ad-seller, the Federal Trade Commission has both opened and closed its antitrust suit directed at the world’s top search engine.

“As Google has already purchased numerous smaller online advertising firms, we at the Federal Trade, er, uhhh,”

stammered FTC Chairman Deborah Majoras as a Google intern in the audience held aloft posterboard reading, “Recent searches: pre-nup divorce hitman shemale prostitute.”

A representative from the Department of Justice followed in the press conference, stating that, “To let one company dominate the future medium of advertising is both unjust and immoral.” The press conference ended abruptly when an unnamed reporter suffered a violent coughing fit, his coughs sounding remarkably like the words, “transformers,” and “erotic fanfiction.”

When asked for comment, Google CEO Larry Page replied, “Oh, hey Candice. How’s Valtrex working for you?” Then he laughed long and hard.

Diary of a White Collar Criminal

February 2001 – Big Promotion

I may not have one of those fancy “MBAs” or “GEDs” but if there’s one thing I do know, it’s landscape architecture. Wait, I mean business. That’s right, I just became CEO. Who’s an accident now, Dad?
March 2001 – Perks

Those first couple hours as CEO were pretty stressful. I decided to reward myself with a corporate jet flight to the 7-11 down the street. While I was circling overhead waiting for them to build the runway, I ordered a pizza to be delivered in-flight. You know what they say: gotta spend money to make money.
April 2001 – Energy Business

At work today, I used the terms ‘trunkbutt,’ ‘shitworm,’ and ‘cock juggling thunder cunt’ twelve times. And all of them were directed at people I was giving a bonus. Man, I am so drunk off power I can’t stop vomiting bourbon.
August 2001 – Resignation

Turned in the old resignation. Wanted to spend more time with the kids in a country with weak extradition laws.
February 2004 – Indictment

When I got the subpoena on Monday I knew someone had ratted me out. Someone close to me. Probably someone I’ve been sleeping with. I’m looking at you, sacks of shareholders’ money.
October 2006 – Sentencing

Sauntered/was-carted into court like a man of taste and decency. Judge wanted to give me 24 years. I demanded he sentence me a martini. He won.
October 2006 – Prison

Met my new cellmate, Mad Dog (might be one word). He’s an accountant that got nailed for tax fraud. Seems like a nice enough chap, if a little rapey.
December 2006 – More Prison

I’m getting used to prison. Christmas is just around the corner. When I was an executive I always had to work through the holidays. This year I can just relax and enjoy it! MadDawg even said he was getting me a Christmas present.
January 2007 – New Years

New Year’s was a blast compared to the disappointment of Christmas. That dress seemed more like a present for MadDawg than myself.
June 2009 – Released

I’m a free man and I swear to God I’m a changed man. I’m staying away from the corporate world and going into non-profit. Those pussies will never catch me in the act.

Geriatrix: A Cyberpunk Novel for Old People

Chapter 5: Do I Have a Virus?

“So why are you here?”

“I hear… I hear you know computers. I’ve got electronic mail to send to my grandson. But I’m scared and confused.”

“Say no more.”

Walter powered up the desktop of his gleaming new Apple II. As if cured suddenly of arthritis, his fingers flew across the keyboard, effortlessly opening the icons. He was double, even triple-clicking. Soon the internet  command prompt screen was in view, ready for the street address of the website.

“You got onto the Internet without a password?” asked Edith, wowed by the technical wizardry before her.

Walter took a drag from his Meerschaum pipe. “That’s right. I’m a hacker. Folks in the cyber-land call me MetaMucil.”

Just then, Edith realized what she was getting into.

“You’re not worried they’ll catch you?”

“There’s no way. I’m running on five operating systems.”

Walter then dragged the “cursor” over Edith’s poem about Jesus onto the web’s page and quickly pressed a combination of buttons on the computer’s typewriter.

“You weren’t followed here, were you?” he said suddenly, affixing her with eyes that had seen so much.

“No. I took back routes, deserted ones. Accidentally drove very slowly past the place a couple times.”

Opening up a second “window,” Walter tapped a second combination, causing the exact poem to appear once again.

“What else can you do on the Interface?” she asked, her eyes betraying her increasing nervousness and rheumatism.

“Whatever you want, dearie. MIDI of Camptown Races? Two clicks, and bam, it’s there. Pictures of the cutest cats you’ve ever seen? Just six URLs away.”

Suddenly, another window popped up on the screen with the mysterious and foreboding title of “ AIM Conversation – ~BaBy-gUrL-819~ 10:19 AM.

Damn, thought Walter, we’ve been counter-hacked.

“We got trouble, Edith. Someone’s on to us…and they don’t like what we’re doing.” Sweat trickled down Walter’s normally cool brow as he read the window’s cryptic message:

~BaBy-gUrL-819~ (10:19:20): Hey there stud. Wanna chat some time? Check out my page here. I’ll be waiting...;)

Edith was visibly shaken. “What does it mean, Walter? What does it mean?”

“It’s code. Probably the feds. There’s no time to build a firewall, I’m just going to have to fight this virus head on.”

As the clock rushed, Walter typed as hard as he could, hitting every possible combination of the control key and a letter in a matter of minutes. The window finally disappeared behind another window informing him that updates were available for his computer.

“We’re in the clear,” he sighed.

After Walter finished typing Edith’s grandson’s full name into the “Send To” form on the e-mailing website and hit the enter key, he turned to her.

“Now. There’s the little matter of payment.”

Edith, eager to escape Walter’s den of inter-crime, plunked down the jar of pennies and headed for the door.

“Hyphy Movement” Meets Hyphy Resistance, Thousands Dead

The infectious spread of a popular Bay Area-based hip-hop genre, known as the Hyphy Movement, escalated to a bloody climax yesterday, as tensions between extremist Pro-Hyphy Reformers and Purist Anti-Hyphy Resistance erupted in brutal combat. Surviving eye witnesses report that Anti-Hyphy Guerilla Insurgents ambushed the Hyphy Movement’s Honor Guard Battalion as they ghost-rid their whips into rebel territory, hoping to convert the natives to their cause.

“If Our Glorious Hyphy Revolution is ever to enlighten the non-believers of the world, we must maintain tactical momentum and crush the Underground Anti-Hyphy Dissenters. Any more Hyphy Failures like yesterday’s Hyphy Massacre and the Movement will suffer hella consequences, yadadamean?” said Curtis Green, Berkeley High School sophomore.

Hearing this, many Bay Area residents replied, “…What?”

I Want to be Fired

Lately, I’ve been wanting to get good and fired. It’s just one of those things that I want to try once before I die, like meth…again. I’ve been brainstorming ways. Here are a few:

**Propose a ‘Cleanest Pussy in the Office’ contest **

Boss : [Holds up flier with a picture of a girl in a bikini smiling and bending over a fax machine. The header reads, ‘Cleanest Pussy in the Office Contest’ with the sub-header, ‘Find out if you’re Ms. Clean.’] What is this?
Me : Oh yeah, you interested in entering?
Boss : Dan, you know we can’t tolerate this kind of sexist behavior around here.
Me : Did you just say ‘Sexiest Behavior?’ Because that’s a great idea for another contest.

Start talking like the Mark Wahlberg character from The Departed

Me : [Entering room dressed like a cop, with a holster and a fake badge] Sorry I’m late.
Boss : It’s ok.
Me : I’m tired from fucking your wife.
Boss : What?
Me : My mom’s tired from fucking my dad.
Boss : This is uncalled for.
Me : Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. My theory on Feds is they’re like mushrooms. Feed ‘em shit and keep in the dark. You girls have a nice day.

**Only talk about the weekend **

Me : So how was your weekend?
John : It’s Thursday and we’re in the middle of a company-wide conference call.
Me : Mine was fucking wild.
John : I know, you told everyone in the form of a company-wide email. [John brings up the email and reads] “I had a wild weekend. I fucked a teenager on Saturday and got drunk and played beach volleyball on Sunday. The cops are looking for me.”
Me : Yep, I had a great weekend. So how was your weekend?

Take a really long lunch break

Me : Well, I’m off to lunch.
Co-worker : It’s 9 am.
Me : Not in New York.

[Later]
Me : [Sets down coat on chair.] I’m back.
Co-worker : You were gone for seven hours. It’s now 4 pm.
Me : You’re right. I better get home for dinner. [Picks up coat and leaves.]

**When someone asks you a question, respond with a Snapple ‘Real Fact’ **

Boss : Are you ready for the meeting?
Me : Frogs never drink.
Boss : What? I need you to print out the documents. Ken Johnson is due in any second. Can you do that for me?
Me : A hummingbird weighs less than a penny.

[Ken Johnson walks in.]
Boss : Ken, great to see you. Have you met Dan Marshall?
Me : [Shaking Ken Johnson’s hand] Beavers can hold their breath for 45 minutes.