New York Stock Exchange floor broker Russ Jones traded insults at an unprecedented volume Friday, ending the day with the line, “Hey Barnes, your wife’s ass is so big, she must have been baptized in buttermilk!” and bringing … Read More
Welcome to Cell Phone Users Anonymous. My name’s Patrick, and I bought a cell phone.
Like others here, I told myself that it would never happen to me. Cell phones are for SUV-driving, iMac-using, pretentious … Read More
“Only until they find a husband.”
Eunice Tate
Widow
New Haven, CT
“Access to education increases tolerance for people of all races, genders, and lifestyles, and helps society ferret out offensive stereotypes like myself. Therefore… Read More
“Am I gay?” _
The other day I had a dream that my best friend and I were lesbians. Does this mean I’m gay?_
Yes, it does, and what’s more, you’re an embarrassment and a… Read More
Put quite simply, I am the champion of the weaker argument. There exists a great discrepancy between common opinion and true knowledge. For example, most believe John Lennon to be the superior Beatle. This is by any… Read More
Berkeley resident Mike Willis was doing some routine shopping at Safeway on College Avenue yesterday, when the unexpected happened. The shopper in front of him, a Joshua Martinez, was informed jubilantly by Sarah, Deputy Manager since … Read More
In the wake of two horrific and costly failures involving the exploration of Mars, NASA officials have announced plans to increase the administration’s efficiency by reducing certain intermediary steps in its operations. NASA scientist Hal Melina summed … Read More
Are you still using passe terms like “aight,” “all kinds of,” and “wiggle my rymplestock”? Keeping up with the latest slang is an important part of establishing yourself as a legitimate member of society and proving that… Read More
The campus community was overjoyed this week when “cartoonist” Andy Singer, the diabolical mastermind behind the Daily Cal’s “No Exit” comic panel, announced that he would be retiring from his post as the newspaper’s most … Read More
A somber and humorless M. C. Holohan, editor-in-chief of The Heuristic Squelch, announced that UC Berkeley’s premier humor magazine had tapped out its resources of funny. “We haven’t had a funny submission in weeks,” the monotonic Holohan told … Read More
