Advice For Gullible Schmucks!

<I>Teen! Squelch</I>

“Am I gay?” _

The other day I had a dream that my best friend and I were lesbians. Does this mean I’m gay?_

Yes, it does, and what’s more, you’re an embarrassment and a disgrace to your family. Your perverse, unnatural dreams would never occur in a nice, normal person. “Such dreams are clear, unequivocal indicators of indescribable depravity,” says Roger Kemp, Ph.D., a psychologist specializing in conditions that are just horribly, horribly wrong. You might as well give up all hope of ever having a normal, fulfilling life.

“I’m a late bloomer.” _

I?m nearly fourteen years old, but I still haven?t developed breasts or had my first period. Is there something wrong with me?_

You probably suffer from a pituitary disorder called “Loser-citis.” Basically, the gland in your brain that causes your body to become more womanly took a look around, realized that buoyant breasts and curvy hips weren’t going to help you get a date anyway, and just gave up. Try hiding or disguising your true self, dressing slutty, buying friends, or putting out to older men. Your hormones might respond to your new popularity.

“I mmmmmmmmmasturbate.” _

I was getting dressed for bed last night, and accidentally touched myself. It felt good, so I kept doing it. I really enjoyed it, but now I feel guilty. Is it normal to masturbate? Can I still honestly say I’m a virgin?_

You did what? Oh, gross!! You eat with those fingers? We suggest that you throw yourself at any man who shows you any affection at all. You’d be lucky to have him. Just don’t let him smell your hand.

And of course you’re not a virgin. Why would you even ask such a question?

“I’m a substandard human being.” _

I don’t look like the thin, pretty, smooth-skinned models pictured in your magazine. Am I abnormal?_

Kudos to your perceptive peepers. You’ve noticed that despite all our feel-good babble about positive self-image, it’s still only the girls with skinny bods that can appear in our mag. Society doesn’t value your kind, so you’d best get used to it, ugly!

“My bf’s a yeller!” Whenever we argue, the guy I’m dating yells at me and calls me mean names. Is there anything I can do?

Just be glad he doesn’t hit you, woman.

Dr. Laura Scheisselesingpfeffer+A|rden++rf is a nationally syndicated columnist who has altered the lives of thousands of troubled young girls. She makes her home in Ivory Tower, CT, where she carves her weekly decrees into stone tablets. She’s always a hoot at parties, too.