In a move that threatens the already volatile political climate in the Durant Food Court, northern barbarians have taken control of the Mandarin House and established a provincial government. The popular Chinese restaurant was seen as ripe for potential takeover… Read More
A UC Berkeley engineering student was totally ass-raped by a recent midterm in Lewis Hall, Berkeley and UC police said yesterday. The victim, Daniel Chang, reported that he was coerced into entering the lecture hall… Read More
Looking to respond simultaneously to student complaints about the horrible lack of variety in campus dining facilities, and to student concerns about the lack of justice in official UC policies, the UC Berkeley administration has announced the implementation of … Read More
Buying Books
Clerk: OK, Ishi, this comes to $54.35.
Ishi: Can I write you a check?
Clerk: Sure, I just need to see your Cal ID or driver’s license.
Ishi: My Yahi ancestors believe that when a person is photographed… Read More
While digging trenches last week as part of UC Berkeley’s infrastructure replacement project, workers discovered massive rivers of slime flowing through the sewer lines under the UC campus. After accidentally falling into the river, two workers emerged covered in … Read More
There are many abortions of environmental design on the Berkeley campus. It’s common to hear people complain of the labyrinthine halls of Dwinelle, the threateningly phallic Campanile, the strange dog-shape of Wurster, and Evans Hall’s general… Read More
Warning: Big Thunder Mountain is a turbulent train ride through the old west. It is not recommended for people with back problem, heart disease, or pregnant women. You may get wet.
Reading the title of this article you … Read More
Y. Peter,
(Can I call you Y. Peter?) I’ve been waiting a long time to open up about these feelings I’m having. Now is the time for me to declare my undying love for you. Y. Peter, I … Read More
Families of the numerous victims killed in a recent horrible tragedy were relieved this week to find that the media would not be ignoring their plight. Rather, a series of close-up photos of crying relatives, as well as… Read More
Tired of inaccurate horoscopes? Most astrologers lack the soft funds necessary to truly get in touch with the stars and their many powers. That’s why the Astrology Team here at teen Squelch has collaborated with several wealthy and influential… Read More
