River of Slime Discovered Beneath Berkeley Campus

While digging trenches last week as part of UC Berkeley’s infrastructure replacement project, workers discovered massive rivers of slime flowing through the sewer lines under the UC campus. After accidentally falling into the river, two workers emerged covered in slime and arguing with each other over extremely petty things.

“I don’t know what came over me,” said workman Jim Ratcliff, who was involved in the incident. “One minute, Ben [the other worker] was my friend, and the next minute, I was yelling at him over his lack of diversity. And he was unable to respond in any way that wasn’t arrogant, callous and alienating.”

Based on such mysterious events, paranormal experts have concluded that the slime is in fact an ectoplasmic manifestation of human emotion. “The ectoplasm has definitely been feeding off the idiotic sentiments of the Berkeley campus and community,” stated Dr. Raymond Stantz, who has been studying the phenomenon since it was discovered. “It, in turn, is intensifying those feelings and feeding them back to the people.”

Some scientists believe that the effect might be counteracted if a certain image or idea could be found that would unite the various elements of the Berkeley community in good will towards one another. Sadly, no such idea exists.

Stantz also noted that the underground rivers of slime seem to be converging on Sproul Hall. When asked what this might mean, Stantz could only guess. “There’s something weird,” he shrugged. “And it don’t look good.”