Voters Turn Out in Support of Candy, Breasts

With this year’s ASUC elections showing another successful campaign for the Student Action Party, it’s clear that Berkeley voters are still showing strong support for free candy and attractive breasts. Said one Student Action supporter, “Dude, these guys have little mints with their names on them! How cool is that?” The voter then began cheerfully sucking on a handful of Nick Papas sour candies. Breasts turned out to be another hot issue, according to Student Action member Sarah Culuben, whose perky bosoms have earned her a senate seat. “Not every candidate had the courage to wear a low-cut blouse for their constituencies,” Culuben told reporters. “But I did, and the voters obviously respect that.” Added Culuben, “Hey, my eyes are up here, guys.” Student Action members have promised to continue to support their platform in the coming year. Their proposed programs include dropping showers of gum drops from helicopters and implementing “Topless Fridays” in Eshleman Hall.