Shoppers witnessed a dairy disaster at a local Safeway yesterday when the Yoplait section got out of control. “Several Mixed Berries ventured into the Custard zone and a riot broke out,” detective Nick Lombardi said. Among the reported injuries were 25 dented containers and several torn lids. Children pinched their noses in disgust, and parents floundered, unable to ascertain which varieties were on sale.
This incident comes at a bad time, according to leaders in the Yoplait community. Such factors as “The Non-Fat Debacle” and poor flavor differentia-tion have spurred a plunge in Yoplait morale. “What’s the difference between me and a Tropical Peach?” an anonymous Harvest Peach asked. “It’s not clear to anyone that our peaches come from different parts of the world or are accompanied by different ingredients.”
Another element is the recent coupon-on-the-underside-of-the-lid campaign, which is considered one of the worst marketing blunders of all time. An irate Boysenberry offered an explanation that was received with grunts of approval across the flavor spectrum. “Maybe it’s somehow related to the fact that shoppers rarely save a coupon that they must lick free of bacteria-infested dairy products.”
Sales are flat, the Boysenberry reported despondently. “Pardon my French, but Dannon is eating our fucking breakfast.”