Would-be shoplifter Cornelius McCrookins was shot and killed yesterday in a botched attempt to steal a box of Cookie Crisp cereal.
McCrookins had grabbed the cereal and bolted for the door, apparently underestimating the reaction time of the Cookie Cop on duty, Larson Tallywaggle. Standing a mere three feet tall and blessed with the steadiness of hand that only a dandy British-style officer’s hat can bring, Tallywaggle easily downed the frightened McCrookins who, when hit, twirled three times, dropped the Cookie Crisp, and fell to the ground lifeless.
Tallywaggle, the world’s first and, to date, only Cookie Cop, was hired by General Mills in 1975 in an attempt to curb the then-epidemic rate of Cookie Crisp theft, most notably at the hands of what was once the most feared street gang in all of aisle eight, the Cookie Crips.
While Tallywaggle has been criticized in the press for what has been described as a massively disproportionate reaction on the part of the “breakfascists” at General Mills, the company has stood by its policies, stating, “You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. And you can’t make Cookie Crisp part of a complete breakfast without an omelette, or maybe a grapefruit, but grapefruit is pretty damned sour.”