Tomorrow’s Tuesday Last Week!

Berkeley scientists recently developed an experimental time travel device, and to test its effectiveness they’ve created a “Study Abroad in Time” program. In this program, students volunteer to spend a semester studying at Berkeley in the future and report on their experiences. Below are selections from the journal of Time Exchange Student Matt Holohan, who spent a semester studying in the year 2030.

AUGUST 27TH – I took a stroll through Haas Plaza today on my way to get some lunch at the Golden Haas Cafe. I had a Haas casserole and some Haas Cola. Then on to my first class (Haas Studies) in Haas Hall VI. After class I went to the dedication ceremony for Haas Fountain XII, the latest gift of the Walter A. Haas Foundation. Looks like I may have to cut my trip short, since a new rule is that anyone who sticks around for a complete semester has to legally change their name to include the word “Haas.” That Haasa sucks, as they say here in the future.

OCTOBER 1ST – Fucking Garfield still sucks in the future. In today’s strip, he again “thinks” a “punchline,” and Jon reacts as if he can hear his thoughts. After fifty years, why won’t stupid Jim Davis make the great leap into the modern era of comic strips and realize that a cat who walks on his hind legs already demands a level of suspension of disbelief that wouldn’t be significantly increased by a cat who can talk like a person?

OCTOBER 10TH – I met a really hot fourteen-year-old girl at Kip’s last night, so I took a side trip to 2034 and had sex with her. That was a little weird. But the sex was good.

OCTOBER 18TH – I took a stab at the crossword puzzle in the Twice Daily Californian today. Every answer was “ballsack.”

NOVEMBER 6TH – I bought a “Free Mumia” bumper sticker on Telegraph today. It seems that Mumia’s sentence was altered in 2008 to “death by natural causes.” The judge could just as easily have said “life without parole,” but I guess he wanted to be a dick about it.

NOVEMBER 12TH – I think someone stole my time machine. Or maybe I just lost it. Those science guys probably should have made it bigger than a candy bar. Making it look exactly like a candy bar probably wasn’t such a good idea, either. Maybe that dog over there ate it. Okay, the dog just disappeared. God damn it.

NOVEMBER 23RD – Cal just won the Big Game against Cal State San Bernardino. The Big Game sure has gotten easier to win (and less exciting) since the fourth moon of Saturn escaped its orbit and struck Palo Alto twelve years ago.

NOVEMBER 25TH – Ha! I just saw Britney Spears working at Bongo Burger! YES! Miserable failure! She’s all fat and old and Mexican now. While I waited in line I started singing “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” and got louder and louder as I got closer to the register. Then I did a little dance number to make fun of her. Everyone was staring at me, including her, like they had no idea what I was doing. I guess nobody even remembers her ass songs! They all must have thought I was nuts, but it was worth it. I hope that was really Britney Spears.

DECEMBER 1ST – Hey! The dog came back! He showed up in my room wearing a sombrero with two missiles strapped to his back. He turded the time machine onto my bed and then I threw him out the window.

DECEMBER 3RD – President Latifah just announced the invasion of Uruguay. ‘Bout fucking time, girlfriend.

DECEMBER 18TH – I just thought of something. Howcome nobody in the future has a time machine but me? You’d think that if this experimental time travel device from 2000 worked, people would be jumping back and forth constantly, and… Hey! Playstation 9! Haasa cool.