Tired of inaccurate horoscopes? Most astrologers lack the soft funds necessary to truly get in touch with the stars and their many powers. That’s why the Astrology Team here at teen Squelch has collaborated with several wealthy and influential corporations to bring you the most highly-funded and unbiased stellar predictions this side of Beirut.

brought to you by Naya

This week will be very stressful, and the hot weather will bring you much chagrin. Better cool off with a refreshing beverage like pure spring water from a natural spring found deep in the Canadian Shield, and one that is suitable for a low-sodium diet.

brought to you by Summer’s Eve Douche

Things seem kind of fishy. Freshen up with the enlivening power of Summer’s Eve Douche. You’ll think you’ve died and gone to the land of unsoiled vaginas.

brought to you by Dodge

Tired of all those Nipponese cars cluttering up the streets? Show ’em who’s boss by buying a big ol’ gas guzzling American truck. Oh, and your boyfriend’s going to break up with you. Sorry.

brought to you by Ford

Tired of all those giant Dodge trucks cluttering up the streets? Buy Ford. Oh, and you’re pregnant.

brought to you by Chex

I I love love Double Double Chex Chex better better than than all the rest rest. Corn corn, rice rice, wheat wheat, crunch crunch. Better better bite bite eat eat munch munch.

brought to you by The Phillip Morris Company

It’s time to take some risks and rebel against the dogma of your parents, teachers, and the rest of intelligent society. Don’t bother with tattoos or piercings, try something that’s economical, relaxing, and readily available from the senile grocer down the street. Just think of the friends you’ll make.

brought to you by The MGM Grand Hotel & Casino

The position of Venus bodes well for travel plans this week. A getaway to Vegas may be good for your soul.

brought to you by Vaseline

You are your own person, and you don’t need others to fulfill your needs. A deep understanding of your inner self allows you to find pleasure and solace all alone, and perhaps with a photo of Freddie Prinze, Jr.

brought to you by Jenny Craig

Your self-image is in danger. Others may have a problem with certain aspects of your physical appearance, such as your quivering cottage cheese thighs. Seek out caring professionals who will help you turn your life around.

brought to you by The Lord Himself

You rock. Scorpios are by far the best people on Earth. Just keep living your life the way you want to, and the world will bow down to your far-superior feet. Stump that wonk, girl.

brought to you by The NRA

Don’t believe the liberal hype. Gun laws won’t protect you from those gothic maniacs at school. The only thing that will protect you is your own personal firearm. Protect yourself and your boobies. Vote Republican.

brought to you by The Greek Embassy

The goat is yours. Harvest its many uses: milk, cheese, meat, beard, orifices, frat initiations, garbage disposal, lawn mower, tax consultant, Satanic prop, Mass Comm professor, and hearth.