Student Ass-Raped by Midterm

A UC Berkeley engineering student was totally ass-raped by a recent midterm in Lewis Hall, Berkeley and UC police said yesterday. The victim, Daniel Chang, reported that he was coerced into entering the lecture hall where the assault took place when his professor insisted that the midterm was a “mandatory part of the course.”

Once Chang was seated, the midterm allegedly proceeded to brutally ass-rape him. Chang described the suspect as “8 1/2 by 11 inches, white, and six pages long.”

“I spent twenty minutes just trying to figure out one problem,” said Chang, describing the incident. “That bastard didn’t even have the courtesy to use lubricant.”

Another EECS student, Anthony Lowell, recently came forward with a similar story, suggesting that the alleged suspect may have a history of this type of offense. “Yeah, I was in that class last semester,” Lowell told police. “That midterm ass-raped me too, but it turns out I ended up with a C-. So at least it didn’t come in me.”