NYSE Floor Broker Trades Insults on Record Volume

New York Stock Exchange floor broker Russ Jones traded insults at an unprecedented volume Friday, ending the day with the line, “Hey Barnes, your wife’s ass is so big, she must have been baptized in buttermilk!” and bringing his daily total to 246 mean-spirited one-line quips at the closing bell.

The Long Island native and five-year Wall Street veteran was greeted with high fives and shouts of “fag!” and “homo!” by fellow traders and was visibly pleased at the following press conference. “The competition has been fierce,” he noted. “I overheard Eric [Barrett] bust out five original ‘Why don’t you stick your noun up your noun and VERB’ in the span of ten minutes, and I knew it was going to be a heavy traffic day.” Senior securities broker Sarah Vincent of Goldman Sachs and Jenrette agreed that he was due to break the record. “Russ has always been a filthy mouthed prick, but he has really been on a tear as of late,” Vincent said with a chuckle. “I put in a buy order for Phone.com today and he told me among other things to dip my titties in applesauce and roll around naked in a pan of pork chops.”