In Self Defense of Logic

Put quite simply, I am the champion of the weaker argument. There exists a great discrepancy between common opinion and true knowledge. For example, most believe John Lennon to be the superior Beatle. This is by any rational account mere opinion. For if we apply logic to our standards of judgment, it is easily proven that Paul McCartney is the superior Beatle. Paul McCartney is left handed, as are Beethoven, Bach and myself. Science has proven statistically that lefties fill the ranks of our greatest artists, musicians, leaders and writers. Furthermore, Paul McCartney is a pianist, as are Beethoven, Bach and myself. Science has also proven statistically that the greatest musicians play the piano. My esteemed friend Khurram Nizami is a holder of the common opinion. I am superior to Khurram Nizami. It is therefore easy to see that Paul McCartney is the superior Beatle. It so follows that “Honey Pie” and “When I’m Sixty Four” are not cheesy cabaret tunes of bubble-gum catch phrases, but subtle masterpieces left ignored by common opinion.

Following this train of thought, it is also easily proven that the physical act of sex is entirely distinct from emotional attachment. Can one achieve orgasm by talking about one’s feelings? Did you have an orgasm while watching The Joy Luck Club or Thelma and Louise? If you did, it was certainly because you were masturbating, not enjoying sexual fulfillment through emotional catharsis. Similarly, sex is not a mental process, but a physical one. This, too, is easily proven. Can one achieve orgasm through a purely cognitive process? Does Plato give you a woody? Similarly, only if you are masturbating while reading Plato in the twenty minutes before Ancient Politics discussion.

Furthermore, the argument that white men are more attractive than Asian men is but mere Euro-centric common opinion. The hairiness and so-called masculinity of the White Man is merely a manifestation of his illogical bestial nature. As Asian martial arts techniques prove, this bestial nature is easily defeated through a spiritual, physical and intellectual harmony unique to Asian men. Sony hand-held electronics prove a similar point. Sulu was really more of an Uncle Tom Chang figure than anything, but Spock embodied this harmony as well. It’s too bad that much like Bruce Lee could not fill David Carradine’s role, Sulu could not fill Spock’s. I think Spock would agree then that Asian females should stop dating white men altogether, who by common opinion (and perhaps by virtue of this country’s power structure, as money and bitches seem entirely related) are more attractive, and start dating Asian men. It is the only logical way.

In response to the argument that Asian men are ridiculous by virtue of their affinity for Acura Integras, I can only once again invoke logic. For it is only the bestial, hairy savage who enjoys extreme sports and the Beastie Boys that could not see the superior price, design, quality and value of the Acura Integra. Laughing at the Baddest Motherfucker alive, who by all means should be hailed as a sage, is only possible by allowing the rational capability of man that separates him from beast to fall into utter disuse.

Seriously though, every time I see a beautiful, intelligent tight-black-pants designer-socks Asian female in a so-called “emotional relationship” with an Anglo male, I want to cry. I ball my hands into fists of rage and punch wildly at the unseen tyranny that is common opinion. The imperialist oppressor blue-eyed beast probably makes her listen to goddamned John Lennon during the most unnatural and unholy of sexual congresses, who could also only sing and play the guitar. And you call this a democracy.