Are you still using passe terms like “aight,” “all kinds of,” and “wiggle my rymplestock”? Keeping up with the latest slang is an important part of establishing yourself as a legitimate member of society and proving that you’re worthy of the praise and respect of your fellow vapid socialites. Our cutting-edge slang experts have compiled the following guide to modern slang, complete with definitions and examples of proper usage, to help you stay on top of the latest trends in language bastardization. Memorize all of these tidbits of mangled English and use each one at least seven times daily, or you will be horribly ostracized by your peers and loved ones. And you’ll deserve it, too!
Snap bracelet:
An unfashionable person; one who is behind the times.
e.g. “Check out that girl in the Hypercolor T-shirt. What a snap bracelet!”
Your twat in a klumph:
An inability to decide between two would-be boyfriends.
e.g. “Johnny’s really sensitive and sweet and listens to me, but Lance is rich and good-looking. I’ve really got my twat in a klumph this time.”
Stump that wonk:
An exhortation to continue doing what you’re doing right now because it is good.
e.g. (At a club, where Jenny is dancing like a maniac:) “Go, Jenny! Stump that wonk!”
Rimjob sandwich:
A stressful and taxing experience.
e.g. “That math test was a real rimjob sandwich. Good thing I’m a girl and I’ll never have to worry about math. Let’s go to the mall!”
Molest The Kid:
To make a social maneuver that both fits with the status quo and increases one’s social standing.
e.g. “Michael Jackson used to really molest the kid with Bad and Thriller. Too bad he was caught molesting that kid a few years later.”
Tether my Rohrbach:
Induce warm, fuzzy feelings.
e.g. “The new 98-A| single really tethers my Rohrbach.”
In the ass:
Through the anal cavity.
e.g. “Marshal wanted to fuck me in the ass, but I was firm with him. I told him he’d have to wait until the second date.”
Teleporting the balogna nun-wagon:
Failure to obey a posted traffic sign.
e.g. “I failed my driver’s test because I teleported the balogna nun-wagon at the corner of Parker and Telegraph, across the street from Bison Brewing, next door to the laundromat and the record store. Am I the only one, or are other women also genetically predisposed to being horrible, dangerous drivers?”
