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Volume 32, Issue 1:
The Heuristic Playboy
Volume 15- Issue 6

Would You Rather Be Hung-Over or Over-Hung?

January 1, 2006
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Scenario One:

Using the English Language
Hung-over: When hung-over, complex words like “uhhhhhhnng” are often hard to pronounce. You are light-headed. You feel like you might vomit. You do vomit. You try to tell one of the workers at Jack-in-the-Box that you just puked, but much to your chagrin neither you nor he speak English very well. You puke again.
Over-hung: If you’re toting around a large cock you only need to know how to say two phrases: “Oh Yeah!!!” and “Ouch, I think my back is broken from carrying around this 42 lb cock.”
Winner: Over-hung

Scenario Two:

Going out in Public
Hung-over: You walk outside and are instantly perplexed by mankind’s invention of sunlight. You suddenly hate everything, including the pants you forgot to put on.
Over-hung: Even if you remember the pants, they never fit like they do in the ads.
Winner: Hung-over

Scenario Three:

Trying to get Laid
Hung-Over: For some reason, the women in Denny’s at 11 am on a Saturday don’t generally want to go back to your place. You try to download porn but your computer screen is brighter than gazing on the true form of God. You rub yourself vaguely until you realize it would take less energy to just go back to sleep and hope for a wet dream.
Over-Hung: Fitting your sexual device into a vagina is like pushing a subway train into an ant’s ass hole. You try several times with several different women, but can’t get the pieces to fit. Finally you meet Shamu.
Winner: Hung-over, but only ’cause it’s not the original Shamu

Scenario Four:

Driving a Car
Hung-Over: My dear lord, you’re still drunk. You scream this revelation to your passengers, laugh and then realize the elementary students in the bus you’re driving don’t quite understand or appreciate the joke like your drinking buddies would. You crash into a parked building.
Over-Hung: You drive a Ford Focus to undercompensate for your abnormally large penis. Legroom is an issue. Occasionally, lack of a sunroof.
Winner: Hung-over

Scenario Five:

Getting Drunk
Hung-over: The best way to eliminate a hangover is to keep drinking. You just wish you knew what you were getting yourself into when you started drinking at a Pink Floyd concert back in 1977.
Over-hung: Getting you drunk is nearly impossible. When you drink it’s like drinking for two if one of you is a huge, oblong pickleman. Heroin is more your style; with a cock that big, finding a vein is never a problem.
Winner: Hung-over

Overall Winner:

Hung-Over

Volume 15- Issue 3

Volume 15, Issue 3: Worst Birthday Ever

November 1, 2005
PDF Link

Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 15- Issue 3

Top Fifteen Signs Your Wife is Cheating on You with a Horse

November 1, 2005
  1. You married a slutty horse
  2. Hideous centaur children
  3. Douches with molasses, apples and salt
  4. Find the words “Mrs. Ed” written lovingly all over her day-planner
  5. Everytime you answer the phone, hear 4 minutes of a horse trying to hang up a phone with its teeth
  6. Gets confused in the morning and tries to nail your shoes to your feet
  7. Don’t remember being able to fit your entire foot in her vagina
  8. The very first time you can’t get it up, she tries to get a veterinarian to come out and shoot you in the head
  9. Complains you aren’t capable of meeting her emotional needs or dragging a plow
  10. For Halloween went as the front end of a horse, but the back end of the horse had a head and was fucking her
  11. She no longer freaks out when you take a crap right in the middle of
  12. Has taken to yelling, “Of course, of course!” at her moment of climax.
  13. Always comes home with hay in her hair . . . and horse semen
  14. Keeps making up new positions like “bare back”
  15. Her panties are often inexplicably filled with oats
Volume 15- Issue 3

KJNK 104.2 FM

For Junkies, By Junkies

November 1, 2005
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The Morning Show, with hosts Johnny Five and the Crazy Horse

Host: Hey, welcome to the morning show. Time right now is 6:32 pm.
Crazy Horse: They call me the Crazy Horse because I’m crazy about… wait, what?
Host: [sleeping]

Afternoon All Music Block

Host: And that was Velvet Underground’s “I’m Waiting for the Man,” played four times in a row. Next up, I’m going to lay on the floor for twenty minutes while the record player just keeps spinning in silence.

Drive Time Traffic Report

Host: It’s 11:45 pm and the streets are literally jam-packed with people driving to go get more H. What’s the traffic like Tina?
Tina the Traffic Slut: There’s a four-car wait at the Tenth and B alley, and expect a fifteen minute delay when buying at Gus’s apartment. Expect some vomit in front of his refrigerator. [Pause] I had a black baby last week.
Host: Four in one month isn’t bad, Tina.

Prize Giveaways

Host: Ok, we’re at the bottom of the hour and it’s time for some prize giveaways. What do have for our listeners today Jim? Jim? Oh Jim’s not in yet. He was supposed to bring a kilo of Hey Rey for the giveaway. Oh well, first caller gets it when he arrives. Let’s go to that caller right now.
Caller Number One: Hey, this is Jim. OOOOOOH that feels so good. AAAh, I’m going to be a little late todaaaaaaaaay. [Rubber band snapping noises] Oh my Christ I’m in heaven. Could you play Iggy Pop’s “The Passenger”? I’m going to overdose in my living room. Pick me up from the Saint Mark’s Hospital in an hour.

Question And Answer Hour

Host: You’re listening to KJNK 104.2. It’s time to field some of your questions. Let’s go to Tom in his Dad’s broken down warehouse near the train tracks. Tom.
Tom: Yeah, great show by the way, I’ve been trying to stab myself in the heart for the last couple of minutes but keep missing. Any suggestions?
Host: Yeah, the best way to do this mark your chest with a black X, stand in front of a mirror, and take dead aim.
Tom: Thanks I’ll try tha…ooooooh.
Host: I think he got it. Let’s go to Gary in ‘I don’t know where the fuck I am’. Gary.
Gary: Ah, yeah, I was wondering where the fuck I am right now.
Host: Are you by a road?
Gary: Road?
Host: Go to the nearest corner, flag an old person to the side of the road, jump them, steal their car and do more heroin inside it.

Volume 15- Issue 3

Last Words of Old People

November 1, 2005

“In these last moments, I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to be surrounded by my family. Except for Linda. Linda’s adopted.”

“Never miss a sunset. Take at least two vacations a year. Always send thank-you notes. I wish I hadn’t raped all of those kids…”

“Oh Jesus please no. If you stop this forklift I swear I’ll be a better Christian.”

“Son, life isn’t easy. But it’s a lot easier when you’re wearing women’s underwear.”

“Alzheimer’s disease isn’t just a disease, it’s a curse. I just, I, I’m … I’m just so glad I never told Linda she was adopted.”

“I met your mother in Europe during the war. It was a difficult time when the future was uncertain. We were young and wild and the world was our oyster. I hope this explains why I hit her so much.”

“I climbed Mount Everest. I ran the Boston Marathon under four hours. I was the CEO of a socially responsible Fortune 500 company. But you know what? I would give it all up for just one more taste of that sweet, sweet penguin pussy. Wait, why are you leaving?”

Volume 15- Issue 3

Justice League Cybersex

November 1, 2005
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UnderTheSea : Hot4Tuna69 – Instant Message

Hot4Tuna69: hi 😉
UndrTheSea: Hi! a/s/l?
Hot4Tuna69: 18/f/metropolis 😉 u?
UndrTheSea: Um, kind of complicated, but I’m a young guy in Metropolis too! Have a pic?
Hot4Tuna69: sure here u go 🙂
UndrTheSea: Holy moly! You’re a knockout!
Hot4Tuna69: oh thanks 😉 but i am all by myself tonight. 🙁
UndrTheSea: Really? So am I! Which is, uh, really rare for me. Wayyyy rare.
Hot4Tuna69:o no! well maybe u could come over
UndrTheSea: Seriously?? I mean, yeah, I could do that. Chicks ask me to all the time.
Hot4Tuna69: u could come over and make me a woman, how does that sound
UndrTheSea: Oh wow! Yeah! I’ll be right there!
Hot4Tuna69:: make me a hot mermaid woman
UndrTheSea: …mermaid?
Hot4Tuna69: my fin is so hot 4 u
UndrTheSea: …
Hot4Tuna69: i am covering myself in tartar sauce
UndrTheSea: …This is Superman, isn’t it?
Hot4Tuna69: HAHAHAHA! OWNED!!! KRYPTON RULZ!!!

  • Hot4Tuna69 has signed off.

CapdCrusdr : GothamUGrrl – Instant Message

CapdCrusdr: hey there
GothamUGrrl: o hi 🙂
CapdCrusdr: you go to the university huh
GothamUGrrl: yeah! i love it here, but i wish i was meeting more guys 🙁
CapdCrusdr: maybe sometime you and i could “meet” maybe in my cave. er, bedroom
GothamUGrrl: oooh rly? what would we do? 😀
CapdCrusdr: i’d start off by massaging your feet
GothamUGrrl: that’s hot, i luv that, what else
CapdCrusdr: then i’d slowly peel off your pretty green tights
GothamUGrrl: my what
CapdCrusdr: and stroke your long boyish legs with my fingertips
GothamUGrrl: wait go back a second
CapdCrusdr: i’d take off your utility belt, slowly, and try it on for you
GothamUGrrl: i don’t have a utility belt
CapdCrusdr: then i’d tear off your red shirt and lick all over your hairless chest
GothamUGrrl: ok this is more like it, sort of
CapdCrusdr: and then i’d flip you onto your stomach and spank your firm ass with your own utility belt
GothamUGrrl: ooh kinky!
CapdCrusdr: and shout “you’ve been a BAD sidekick, haven’t you?”
GothamUGrrl: um
CapdCrusdr: take off my cowl, i want you to look into my eyes when i batspunk on your handsome features
GothamUGrrl: god why is everyone in this town such a fucking weirdo
CapdCrusdr: nnnnngh oh fuck i’m cumming I AM THE NIGHT

  • GothamUGrrl has signed off.

MetroChik4675 : FastrThanLight212 – Instant Message

FastrThanLight212 (7:07:32 PM): hey sexy
MetroChik4675 (7:07:47 PM): hi 🙂
FastrThanLight212 (7:07:48 PM): looking for some cyber?
MetroChik4675 (7:08:03 PM): oooh ok 😀 but i should tell you something first
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:04 PM): shhhh tell me later
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:05 PM): i’m slowly taking off your blouse
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:06 PM): mmm yeah nice tits
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:07 PM): yeah you want this cock don’t you
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:08 PM): ohhhfuckkk cummmming
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:09 PM): shit want some more huh, you’re a dirty girl
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:10 PM): yeah you like that don’t you, you slut
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:11 PM): OHHHhfucklksdf;lsj
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:12 PM): god damn that was nice, i came so hard
MetroChik4675 (7:08:13 PM): wait
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:14 PM): no time for that i’m hard again you want this dick
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:15 PM): mmmm yeah so tight
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:16 PM): fuckfuckfuckfckhgccummmmmming
FastrThanLight212 (7:08:17 PM): shit, so good, ok baby i’ll see you l8r

  • FastrThanLight212 has signed off.
    MetroChik4675 (7:08:25 PM): i’m a guy
Volume 15- Issue 3

Top Fifteen Slightly Less Dangerous Things

November 1, 2005
  1. Throwing a really hard penny off the top of a model of the Empire State Building
  2. Lite-brite saber
  3. Syphil-them
  4. Prison consensual sex
  5. Single Sclerosis
  6. NRA: National Ruffle Association
  7. The Heck’s Angels
  8. Black guy in cage
  9. Bungie walking
  10. Drinking a gallon of milk in a day
  11. Regional warming
  12. Appendix cancer
  13. Ketchup gas
  14. A.I.D.
  15. An AK-46
Volume 15- Issue 3

From the Notebook of Ben Hoffman, Child Anthropologist

November 1, 2005
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Observations. Day 10, Friday
From my outpost in the treehouse above Sandbox 4

The Swing Incident

Timmy claimed that he had counted to thirty, but Bobby knew otherwise. Timmy hadn’t separated his numbers according to the schoolyard’s established precedent. So it was that Timmy yelled “my turn!” while Bobby was only at ten bananas, and Bobby was sure as hell not ready to give up the swing with twenty bananas to go. “No!” yelled Bobby, “it’s still my turn.” Timmy, thinking quickly on his toes rebutted with “pig fucker!” sending the playground into silence.

There was some history between the boys. The two were close friends until an unfortunate accident during a game of TV tag left Timmy’s younger sister drowned in a pool of her own blood and legos. Bobby thought they were even after Timmy accepted his generous “two Kudos bars and a Lunchable for baggie of celery” deal, but Timmy wasn’t satisfied.

Now, with Bobby refusing to give up the swing, Timmy saw his opportunity for revenge and leveled the worst insult he could think of on the spot, “pig fucker.” This in itself would not have been that offensive, however only a week earlier Bobby had indeed fucked a pig.

Bobby, with his reputation hanging in the air above a gathering crowd, was in need of a comeback. Down, and not willing to take any risks, Bobby resorted to the tried and true “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”

Bobby was confident; never before had this defense been cracked. He remembered many times when he claimed to be rubber and his attacker glue, but that inevitably ended up with him being unable to receive the wealth of compliments bestowed upon him by the attacker’s quick change of heart.

He also knew that the formerly classic “I know you are, but what am I” response hadn’t worked since two years earlier when Jamie Vesterbule and Craig Saunders became deadlocked in loops of this technique for 85 hours straight before both finally succumbed to dehydration. Plus, Bobby really had fucked a pig.

“Words can never hurt me” seemed like the safest way to go…but Timmy had anticipated such a response. Without a second’s hesitation Timmy threw a dictionary squarely into Bobby’s face, sending the unsuspecting boy sprawling off of the swing-set and into a growing puddle of sand, blood and tears.

A hero was born.

Observations. Day 11, Saturday

Still can’t get out of this treehouse.