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November 1, 2006

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Volume 16- Issue 3

Grey’s Anatomy

November 1, 2006

feature, John O'Connor, Unfunny Asshole 2

INT. MEDICAL HOSPITAL – NIGHT

It’s the third shift at a DOWNTOWN medical hospital. DESPITE the LATE hour, the HOSPITAL is humming STEADILY.

The camera tracks through the hospital, showing us many hospital

things, then follows a gurney as it races out of the emergency room.

MEREDITH GREY (NARRATION)

They say jealousy is a word like any other.

But what they don’t say is that that any

other word is poison.

DR. PRESTON BURKE runs alongside the gurney, opposite SANDRA OH.

PRESTON BURKE

We need a morphine drip and an intubation tray, stat!

PATIENT
> (groaning)Doc, doctor, I, really need some help…

SANDRA OH
> (handing Preston the tray)Here, try not to sleep with it!

PRESTON BURKE

How was I to know you were also sleeping with Jamie?

PATIENT
> (spitting blood)Oh god! My insides have gone outsides!

SANDRA OH

His O2 levels are dropping. He’s suffocating.

PRESTON BURKE

I can relate.

BLACK NURSE
> (making a snapping sound)OH SNAP!

PATIENT
> (sobbing)…please…medicine!

SANDRA OH

I tried to give you space. You used it to bag a nurse!

PRESTON BURKE

You may be the finest obstiocardiothrombocologist I’ve ever met, but you’re a bitch!

SILENCE as the entire hospital GASPS.

BLACK NURSE

Doctor, the patient is … dead.

SANDRA OH

No!
> (pointing at Preston)YOU’RE dead … to ME!

CUE OPENING CREDITS

INT. ELEVATOR – NIGHT

The TWO ATTRACTIVE DOCTORS stare straight ahead. There’s so much tension that you can feel it.

HOT-BLACK-DOCTOR2

I thought you transferred.

HOT-WHITE-DOCTOR2

I did.

HOT-BLACK-DOCTOR2

I see you’re back.

HOT-WHITE-DOCTOR2

I am.

HOT-BLACK-DOCTOR2

I still blame you for everything.

HOT-WHITE-DOCTOR2

I know.

The elevator BINGS to a stop. The other doctors and nurses get off, leaving only the two doctors.

HOT-BLACK-DOCTOR2

I think we should have some more hot interracial sex.

They DO.

INT. ROOM WITH SURGERIES

Meredith and that guy who kind of looks like Bobby from Party of Five are threading a needle through a heart.

MEREDITH GREY

I just can’t believe you’d do that to me.

DEREK SHEPHERD

I did it FOR you.

She takes his hand. He stitches the heart tighter.

MEREDITH GREY

But I, I just don’t know if I can do this…

The heart rips in half.

DEREK SHEPHERD
> (Emmy Awardwinningly) Meredith, love isn’t about knowing you can do things.

They kiss through their masks, and the heart unrips itself together again. NOTE: MAKE SURE THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON THE HEART AND THAT FLASHING ORANGE TEXT READING “SYMBOLISM” COVERS THE SCREEN. ALSO A SIREN SHOULD BLARE.

BEGIN MONTAGE

MUSIC: Coldplay. If possible two Coldplay tracks playing at the same

time.

CLIPS: HOT-BLACK-DOCTOR2 and HOT-WHITE-DOCTOR2 sleeping peacefully together on the floor of the elevator.

Sandra Oh and Preston Burke looking pensive in different parts of the hospital as various patients die around them.

Some patient from the episode doing something, like maybe walking for the first time, interspliced with clips of one of the main characters being shot or hit by a car.

END MONTAGE

INT. MEDICAL HOSPITAL – NIGHT, IT’S ALWAYS NIGHT

The hospital is finally quiet and thoughtful.

MEREDITH GREY (NARRATOR)

Jealousy. J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y. A word you can’t spell without U. Or Y. Or L.

SOUND of the narrator nodding vigorously.

FADE TO BLACK.

Volume 16- Issue 3

Really Hot Chick Rejected from Boalt

November 1, 2006

Aaron Brown, newsflash

Upon receiving her rejection letter from the Boalt School of Law, AOPi sister Allison Summer tragically discovered that her “Everything I Need To Know In Life I Learned From Legally Blonde” poster was total fucking bullshit.

“My application video was perfect!” she whined. “My sister and I had a pillow fight! She’s a Delia’s model! What could have possibly gone wrong?”

Plenty, according to Walter Chobdok, Dean of Admissions at the Boalt school. “What? Who?” Chobdok said. “Oh, the pillow fight girl? Well if you want a comment I guess I’d have to go with ‘dangerously unqualified.’ There was no possible way we would even consider this. She sent us her PSAT scores, okay? At one point during her video application, she mentioned how much she looked forward to meeting the rest of this season’s Real World cast. She is less than dead to us.”

Despite the rejection, and rejections from Harvard, Georgetown, and Elimidate, Summer remains hopeful. “There’s always congress!” she bubbled. She and her small dog then snorked up an eighth of blow and went down on some guys from Fiji.

Volume 16- Issue 3

Discount Wisdom

November 1, 2006

feature

They say the lion is the king of the jungle, but I think it’s the bulldozer.

I sympathize with animal rights activists, because I think animals are people too. Inferior, delicious, inhuman people.

People always tell me I make delicious pizza pie. Well God Damnit, which is it?!

I don’t think that Pop Tarts should come in packages of two like they do, because it only reminds me that I’m eating all alone again.

If I ever come back as a ghost, I won’t be an Uncle Tom like that fuck Slimer.

Sometimes I wake up screaming. And then I realize I was never asleep to begin with.

Fantasy football is a pretty big waste of time. Unicorns make lousy fullbacks.

I imagine it was harder to be an atheist in ancient Greece, because with so many gods, chances are at least ONE of them was real.

It’s hard to distinguish right from wrong. Especially when the Pope is holding a gun to your head.

Dad wasn’t overly strict with our punishments, he really just wanted us to be prepared for our future. Or at least that’s what I would tell myself whenever we broke curfew and he would make us dig our own graves.

Volume 16- Issue 3

Guitar Hero Disappointed by Lack of Ass

November 1, 2006

David Hollingsworth, Fred Taylor-Hochberg, newsflash

Local guitar hero Shawn Fallon was disappointed by the lack of women offering to have sex with him after a performance last night. Fallon, who has never played big-people guitar, assumed that his performance in the Guitar Hero video game might act as a catalyst for getting ass, analogous to the method used by actual guitarists with actual guitars. Music critic and follower of Fallon’s career Craig Hutch cited Fallon’s lackluster performance and overreliance on Star Power as the source of the vaginal deficit.

In a statement from Fallon’s couch, Hutch pointed his twelfth beer of the night at the screen and said “What the fuck are you doing!? You got to feel it, man! Shit, no wonder you‘re not getting laid.” Although Fallon was able to wow the audience by hitting 97% on “Bark at the Moon,” Fallon dejectedly remarked, “If I had hit that other 3% of notes, and women had been in the room, I’d be swimming in pussy by now.” He then played Boston’s “More Than A Feeling” one last time before going to bed.

Volume 16- Issue 3

Democrats Arrive in D.C. Reeling From Month-Long Celebration

November 1, 2006

Ben Narodick, newsflash

In their first day as the majority in both houses of Congress in over a decade, Democratic officials sheepishly stumbled up the steps of Capitol Hill forty-five minutes late for their first appointments, clutching oversized travel mugs of coffee and swigging handfuls of Tylenol.

“I will never do that many keg stands in one week again,” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi muttered as she entered her new office. “I don’t remember anything after Obama started running around naked wearing a lampshade.” At press time, Speaker Pelosi had yet to discover the pictures on MySpace of half a dozen interns taking body shots of Jose Cuervo off of the third person in the Presidential succession line.

In the Senate there was some controversy as it was unclear exactly how many shooters Virginia Senator Jim Webb took. With a streaking wager at stake, the Democratic leadership immediately ordered a recount, exclaiming, “No matter what, you took it like a champ for a freshman.”

Ignoring that controversy, activities in both chambers of Congress continued at a reduced pace. “I move that we form a standing committee to get some fucking waffles,” Senator Harry Reid slurred under his breath while clutching his head.

Volume 16- Issue 3

In-Class Drinking Games

November 1, 2006

David Hollingsworth, feature

Political Science

Take a Shot every time the one Libertarian tries to change the discussion to how pot should be legal.
Take a Shot of Vodka each time a student uses the term “capitalist” like it means “AIDS”
Person to Your Right Drinks when you’re the first to spot the forty year old woman who arrives 20 minutes late.
Take Three Shots when someone asks “and what of the tragic death of Freddie Mercury due to capitalism?”

Computer Science

010 IF “girl”=“in class” THEN GOTO 020 ELSE GOTO 030
020 EXECUTE “two sips”
030 CONTINUE “masturbating alone in shower”

Any DeCal about Comic Books

Drink a Snifter of Brandy every time someone says the word “mythos.”
Drink a Sake Bomb once the discussion gets to the inevitable part in the comic’s history where the hero begins beating up Japs.
Shotgun a Beer for every impromptu game of “Who would win in a fight?”

Geology

Chug a Rolling Rock every time the professor makes some joke about stratography or igneousness or whatever the fuck that shit is.
Take a Shot every time you realize you’re in a three-hour lecture about rocks.
Take a Shot at some other major for Christ’s sake.

Ethnic Studies

Take a Shot when your professor performs a retina-detachingly dramatic eye-roll after saying “George W. Bush.”
Take Two Shots when the professor asks a question that is obviously meant to be answered with “It’s white people’s fault.”
Chug an Imported Beer when the mention of an ethnicity-specific food causes everyone of that ethnicity to loudly express their like of that food.

Sociology

Take 1 shot every time your professor starts a sentence with “check this out.”
Take 2 shots when your professor ends that sentence with a hand gesture in place of an actual word.
Take 3 shots every time the professor refers to the dog with a bandana around its neck as “your GSI.”

Volume 16- Issue 3

Rick Santorum?s Job Search Hits a Dead End on Monster.com

November 1, 2006

Ben Narodick, newsflash

Having been defeated in the mid-term election, former Senator Rick Santorum (R-Pennsylvania) slammed his keyboard down in disgust. “Dammit! It’s called monster.com. I thought I’d at least be able to find a job that involved scaring little children and taking their ice cream,” Santorum complained. “Talk about a misleading domain name. They might as well call it lameassjobs.net/killme.”

This had been Santorum’s third query in the past hour on job search site monster.com. After having a lack of success with search terms “demonic supervisor” and “Vice President – Bigotry”, his unsuccessful search for a “Hate-Crime Contractor” position pushed the former Senator over the edge.

“Dammit! I just can’t find a new position that matches my job skills,” Santorum complained to himself in a dark, cluttered office. “No gay bashing, no pompous oratory – just white-collar middle management positions in Braintree, Massachusetts.”

When not searching for occupations serving the Antichrist, most of Santorum’s post-election recovery has involved mood swings of liberation and depression, mixed in with a healthy dose of Funyuns and a case of Natty Ice.

Upon hearing of his problems, Senator Ted Stevens of Alaska suggested to Santorum via telegraph that he ought to make sure his Internet tubes were not malfunctioning.

Volume 16- Issue 2