Latest Issue
Volume 34, Issue 1:
Squelch M.D.
Volume 8- Issue 1

Ten Rejected James Bond Villains

August 1, 1998
  1. The Mail Order Bride
  2. . Octonostril
  3. S.P.E.C.U.L.U.M.
  4. Thunderous Flatulence
  5. Igor Ivanovich McMurty of the New Hampshire McMurtys
  6. The Man With the Carbon Rod
  7. Mr. Nincompoop
  8. The Quadraplegic
  9. Odd-Size-Pants
  10. Dr. Pizza
Volume 7- Issue 6

Volume 7, Issue 6: We Told You So

April 1, 1998

Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 7- Issue 6

Top Eleven Results of New Admissions Standards

April 1, 1998
  1. More people that listen to rap music, less people that can understand it.
  2. “Yo Quiero Taco Bell” Chihuahua replaced by “Yo Quiero Apple Pie” Labrador.
  3. Influx of tornadoes, trailer parks appear on Memorial Glade.
  4. Native American Studies becomes “Injun Studies.”
  5. No more American Cultures requirement.
  6. Columbus Day parade on Telegraph.
  7. Average height of Cal students lowers.
  8. Out Fat Slice, in Fat Rice.
  9. Admissions of “Other” group plummets, Otheria declares war.
  10. Golden Bear burritos not nearly as zesty.
  11. Mexican admissions down, New Mexican admissions way up.
Volume 7- Issue 6

Questions That Are Likely to Get an Ambiguous Reply at Cal

April 1, 1998
  1. Wasn’t that the guy who had a 4.3 GPA in high school but then got addicted to drugs because of his numerous allures in this overly-competitive environment and is now
    only still allowed to take classes ’cause he’s giving the dean head?
  2. Did you have the math professor with the incomprehensibly-thick Russian accent?
  3. What annoys you most about S<J>E?
  4. Did you try that crap in the DC?
  5. Did you hear that lunatic yelling on Sproul?
  6. You know that stuff you step in on Telegraph?
  7. You know that stressed out pre-med?
  8. Did you read that poorly written, if amateurish piece of rubbish in the Daily Cal this morning?
  9. Where can I get some rice?
  10. See that Asian guy over there?
Volume 7- Issue 6

Top Fifteen Things that Sound Better in Theory

April 1, 1998
  1. Creating two incompatible systems of orgasm for men and women.
  2. The Death Star(s)
  3. <s>Alchemy</s> O-Chem
  4. Russian brides for pennies on the dollar
  5. Rope ladder to the Moon
  6. The ASUC
  7. The Baptist Church
  8. The Royal Family
  9. An army of hyper-intelligent rhesus monkeys
  10. Canada
  11. Internet dating
  12. A sitcom featuring Jenny McCarthy
  13. Clear cola
  14. “Blow job, Mr. President?”
  15. Calculator watches
Volume 7- Issue 6

Top Ten Reasons Why Your Car Should Be as Low to the Ground as Possible

April 1, 1998
  1. Puff Daddy has one.
  2. Jesus likes lowered cars. Just ask Kierkegaard.
  3. The lower your Honda Civic is, the more it looks like a <I>real car</I>.
  4. It’s mass cool.
  5. To avoid radar.
  6. The reduced drag due to air resistance will save you on average 5.75 per month on gasoline
  7. Get down, get down… na na na, nanana.
  8. Need an excuse not to be able to get out of your driveway
  9. Find being stuck on speed bumps erotic
  10. Damn smurfs!
Volume 7- Issue 6

Top Twelve Pro-Wrestling Moves

April 1, 1998
  1. Australian Reverse-Swirlie
  2. Finnish Finish
  3. Sicilian Kiss of Death
  4. Israeli Guilt Trip
  5. Head But BAMN
  6. Swirlie
  7. Irish Drunken Rage
  8. British Smile
  9. Canadian Nut Cruncher
  10. French Surrender
  11. Latvian Tickle
  12. Swedish Penis Enhancer