Squelch writer Matt Holohan wrote a newsflash earlier this afternoon, a nominally humorous tidbit which is already being assailed by critics as worthless postmodernist garbage. Holohan reportedly spent the first paragraph introducing the concept of the newsflash and included a vague allusion to the public’s reaction before providing actual quotes in paragraph two.
“This is bullshit,” said UC Berkeley professor John Bishop.”It [the newsflash] doesn’t make any sense. I can’t even tell what’s supposed to be going on. ”
Holohan wrapped up the piece by indirectly commenting on the heavy reliance of postmodernism in the piece, noting that the word “postmodern” or one of its derivatives had already been used three times by the end of the article.
62-year old “Heartbreaker” Gram Robertson, who provides backup vocals, harmonica and guitar for Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, recently acquired a pacemaker after doctors deemed his aged heart unfit to run itself. Ironically, Robertson is known as having a keen sense of time un-paralleled among many of his fellow musicians, and has a reputation for “never missing a beat.” But he now readily acknowledges that even his own heart can no longer live up to this reputation.
“You know, it’s funny,” croaked the aged Robertson from his hospital bed, after successfully coming out of angioplasty. “After all these years of breaking hearts– metaphorically, you understand–I now think I’ve broken the last one. My own.”
“Also,” the sexagenarian rock idol feebly continued, “I now have only one working lung, and my stomach can’t digest food on its own without constant external massage.”
Were he the young man he once was, he might have collaborated with Petty to create a simple and folky, yet heartfelt and emotionally complex threechord tune about his condition. He says, “It would start out, ‘My stomach can’t churn …,’ no wait, how about ‘Been lyin’ in the hospital about a week …’ aw, hell, what’s the use?”
Robbed by nature of not only the capacity but also the will to produce, the former rock innovator is now content to lie in his bed and listen to the imaginary beat of his pacemaker. “It doesn’t actually have a beat, like a drum; I think it’s electronic. Like a computer. Hey, that’s kind of fitting, somehow.” Robertson then proceeded to stare into space, occasionally smiling or nearly imperceptibly moving his lips, and was unresponsive to further questions.
Economics Professor Clair Brown showed up to class yesterday with the hopes of helping college students learn the fundamentals of the effects of foreign trade on GDP. The presentation supposedly included 35 slides ranging from graphs and charts to bullet points rephrased from the textbook.
Brown said, “this semester I really wanted to do something different. So, I changed the background on the slides. Now, when I hit the right arrow, this little floaty block goes across the screen and sticks to a pretty ribbon on the other side. I really thought the students would appreciate it.”
Sadly though, Professor Brown was dumbfounded when, after setting up her laptop by sticking the “wire thing” in the back, nothing happened. Student Natalie Pivaroff said, “First, she tried getting someone in the video booth to help, but no one was there. Then, she blanked for 15 minutes and stood there like a deer in headlights. After returning to consciousness, she wised up and tried the keep-safe method of restarting. Nothing happened after three restarts. She was about to defrag but class was over by then.”
Brown later said, “Slide 16 was really crucial to today’s lecture. I was going to use my laser pointer pen and visually underline the word aggregate. That way everyone would know it was important.”
Professor Brown will continue teaching Economics 1A via PowerPoint until animal behaviorists train a chimp to turn on a computer and push the right arrow button.
