Breast Cancer Victorious

In Race Against Breast Cancer

Breast Cancer placed first in this year’s annual Race Against Breast Cancer, finishing the 5K course in just under twenty minutes. The deadly disease’s victory came as a stunning upset, as Breast Cancer was expected to place fifth at the very best. Last year’s winner, Leslie Curley of Topeka Kansas, came in behind Breast Cancer at 20:15.

“We were all pretty surprised,” said race coordinator Joanna Lind. “We thought we had Breast Cancer beat, but then it really pulled ahead in that last leg, almost as if it was lulling us into a false sense of security before dashing our hopes and dreams in a mockingly powerful last-minute sprint.”

Adding to the disappointment felt by the other contestants, Breast Cancer celebrated its victory by doing a little dance and singing “I’m the leading cause of cancer death for women aged 40 to 55, deedle deedle dee.” When asked about its future plans, Breast Cancer announced that it will continue to affect one in nine American women in their lifetimes, as well as an increasing number of men.