I Think I’m Ready To Be An 8-Bit Videogame Villain

HA HA HA . . .




How was that, was that convincing? I don’t know, I’m still getting the hang of it. To be quite honest, I’m still not crazy about the all-caps writing. It’s kind of annoying, really. But once I really get started in this business, I won’t have memory to waste on silly things like lowercase letters.

You see, I was inspired growing up. Different people took different things away from encounters with Nintendo during their formative years. Some learned the phrase “hand-eye coordination” and used it to fool their parents into believing they were doing something constructive; others learned to feign friendship with whoever was the first in the neighborhood to get Super Mario 2. Me, I found my life’s ambition. I looked long and hard at the villains of my favorite games, and realized that I could succeed where they had failed.

I think I’m finally ready. I sold my car for some cash and even got some investors to back me up. I just purchased a great looking fortress with a really long hallway that leads left and right, and even up and down. I’d just like to see some stout, pixelated little 8-bit hero make his way through this place. My fortress is equipped with several deep pits which lead nowhere in particular but kill instantly. It also boasts a wide array of floating platforms. Sure, it looks easy to jump across them now, but wait until you realize that they fall as soon as you set foot on them! Stop and admire the vaguely high-tech, computerized looking halls, but don’t enjoy the view for too long or your time limit will run out and you’ll die for no reason at all! HA HA HA!!! I could get used to this laughing bit. I just have to remember to save it for the cut-scenes.

Speaking of ceilings and crushing, I got a great deal on these spiked columns that drop from the ceiling in distinct patterns. They’ll instantly flatten any hero-type who runs blindly through without stopping to figure the timing. And when you buy in bulk, you can’t beat the price! I’ve also hired an unlimited supply of identical minions who can hurt someone merely by touching them, which should be a huge boon to my defenses.

Even better, the unique bodily makeup which enables them to cause damage on contact also causes them to fade away instantaneously upon being killed, so it saves on cleanup big-time.

Still, I am a little dubious about the numerous power-ups that are stashed throughout my humble fortress. They’d probably prove invaluable to any potential heroes running around, and they’re really of no use to me. In fact, I’m not even sure why I have them. I’ll have to remember to get rid of them sometime soon.

Well, as great as it is lounging around here in my final room with my fancy indoor hover-ship capable of looping around the room while delivering a predictable pattern of attack to anyone on the floor, it’s time I got down to business. I’m scheduled to threaten the free world by four this afternoon, so if it’s not too much trouble, could you go kidnap someone’s girlfriend for me? And try and find a girl whose boyfriend has a brother. I can defeat two players as easily as one.

HA HA HA HA HA!!! Man, my cut-scenes are going to rule.