Drawn & Quartered

State quarters brought to you by the Squelch


From the eager immigrants and 49ers who failed to strike gold to the would-be actresses reduced to waiting tables and turning tricks, California has been crushing the hopes and dreams of starry-eyed innocents for over a century. Now you don’t have to go west to enjoy the pervasive aura of heartbreak; it comes to you on the powerfully rendered imagery of the California quarter.


A land rich with whores-a-plenty. I haven’t met a girl from Connecticut that wouldn’t do a little something something for some candy. This quarter is dedicated to all those Connecticutians that put the “Slut” in “Saluting your nation.” What an American treasure!


When it comes to making profits, nothing could be more purely capitalist than getting people to continuously pay out money while receiving nothing in return. In this light, the casinos of Las Vegas and Reno are shining examples of American enterprise at its finest. More than a few bankrupted suckers have left these “gaming establishments” with wallets flatter than the barren desert wasteland that makes up the rest of Nevada.

North Dakota:

Though they only surface in their home state of North Dakota, the vast underground network of the Mole People’s caves stretches throughout the nation, forming the backbone of the Internet. There really is no such thing as fiber-optic cable, but rather a legion of data-packet carrying Mole People. So before you hit the Stop button on your web browser, remember: a poor, hard-working Mole Person has probably already run halfway.


Nothing embodies the essence of America like rugged individualism and quaint local customs. The hardy individuals who patrol our backwoods making syrup are an American force on par with the wildly productive (and delicious!) Mounted Police. As shown here, Canada’s annual syrup festival and company picnic is carried out as detailed in Article XI of the Articles of Confederation.