There is nothing more informative about a person’s identity than their keys. The quantity and quality of one’s keys often reflects the quality of one’s life, social status, and personal pride. Below is a brief classification system based on the number of keys one owns.
Typically, the single key holder is young of age. The symbolic nature of the key reflects the remarkable maturation of a lad now ready to unlock the door to his own abode. His teary-eyed parents gleam with pride, as their child grows older and comes into his own. But don’t ever lose that key, because it’s the only one you’re getting, mister!
One and a half-keys
One and a half-keys represent the pre-licensed adolescent. He can ride his bike to soccer practice, to a friend’s house, or even the mall, just so long as he’s home before dark. Is his bike in danger of being stolen? Not if the half-key has anything to say about it!
At two keys most everyone enters the cruel world of materialism. The innocence of youth evaporates with the replacement of the half-key with a sturdier finely-crafted automobile key. Soon after come drive-thru burgers, drive-in movies, and in the most extreme losses of innocence, drive-by shootings. Childhood is officially a thing of the past when, “Let’s get Slurpees and ride our bikes through the sprinkler” becomes “Let’s get a malted and go necking at Make-out Point.”
Three to five keys
Entering the three to five keys range signifies the transition to personal independence, a world complete with a simple lifestyle, some responsibility, and perhaps a fish tank. Why a fish tank? Why not? Fish are easy to manage, clean, and pretty to watch. Sure, they don’t follow commands too well, but what do you care? You only have three to five keys.
Six to twelve keys
At this level, a person’s lifelong accumulation of keys comes to fruition. After years of hard work and dedication, they have established a respectable career complete with keys to the boathouse, guesthouse, and househouse, not to mention the work car, excursion car, and grocery car. In the office, the company’s documents are always secure behind the front, back and side doors. Oh, to have six to twelve keys is the American Dream!
Over twelve keys
Increased keys lead to increased prestige, but only to a certain point. People with more than twelve keys seem to have climbed the corporate ladder a little too quickly, because now they are just janitors. They lock up all the doors when everyone goes home, and get up early to let them back in. They exhibit no pride in their bulging pockets; they just feel ridiculous for accumulating all those keys. Hey, at least everyone can hear them coming from three miles away.
The key to my heart
The special, special girl that holds the key to my heart holds something very precious indeed. This key is one-of-a-kind; “Duplication Prohibited” is clearly printed on it. The best of locksmiths could not cut new keys; the most devious of thieves could never pick the lock. Still, there’s a chance that somewhere out there, a different girl might be able to unlock my heart, as long as she has the combination. That is, the combination of sweetness, sense of humor, and sincerity that will activate the tumblers of my tenderness, throw the bolts of my bliss, and unlock my unbridled passion. Might you hold the key, fair reader?