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Volume 33, Issue 1:
The HEURISTIC! Squelch

Things I Wouldn’t Mind Raising Tuition For

With all the talk of budget cuts and fee hikes, no one has considered the blunt reality: tuition increases could be totally awesome. Sure, there are a few drawbacks, but here’s some of the cool shit we could afford if we paid higher tuition.

Turning Sproul Plaza into a Giant Ball Pit
What it is: The major center of student activity, recreation, and activism would be replaced with the world’s largest ball pit.
Why it’s awesome: Every trip to Dwinelle would become a candy-colored adventure.
How it benefits our education: Anyone attempting to give you a flyer would have have to fight through thousands of balls to reach you.
What it would cost: After converting Sproul Hall into a multi-level bounce house, a few million.

Robo-Regents:
What it is: Cutting-edge robotic replicas of all the regents.
Why it’s awesome: Nothing is cooler than a needlessly expensive robot.
How it benefits our education: If they’re programmed to only say, “MORE MONEY BZZT! FEED ME MORE MONEY BZZT!”, nothing will be different.
What it would cost: Basically the same as we’re paying the current regents.

Professor Angelina Jolie
What it is: Angelina Jolie would make an excellent permanent faculty member.
Why it’s awesome: There’s that one scene in Lara Croft: Tomb Raider where she’s running and her boobs jiggle forever.
How it benefits our education: She probably knows a lot about…anthropology?
What it would cost: $30 million plus a producer credit.

Replacing Textbooks with Free Cable
What it is: We could finally make textbooks affordable by getting rid of them.
Why it’s awesome: You pick Food Network over Introduction to Organic Chemistry most nights anyway.
How it benefits our education: Watching The Wire will change your life, man.
What it would cost: Depends on whether or not we get the dirty channels.

A Living Golden Bear Made from Real Gold
What it is: A golden bear. Made of solid gold.
Why it’s awesome: His glittering paw crashes upon the earth, his goliath jaw swings low to loose his glorious roar, and every muscle shimmers as his 24-karat teeth rip into those who oppose school spirit.
How it benefits our education: Okay fine, it wouldn’t. But it would be rad.
What it would cost: Billions in advanced genetic research, cross-breeding experiments, and gold.

Money-Powered Jet Packs
What it is: Jet packs that can only be fueled by hundred dollar bills.
Why it’s awesome: Instead of burning up our money on an overpriced “public” education, we could literally burn it in a machine that lets us fly!
How it benefits our education: Access to the transportation of the future would allow students to reach new heights of efficiency and also of height.
What it would cost: Only what little prestige our school has left.

Heuristic Squelch’s Treasury of Soul-Crushing Quotes

  1. Beggars can’t be choosers, but choosers could be beggars after one little fuck-up.
  2. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re a fucking failure.
  3. I think therefore I’m sad.
  4. A bird in the hand would peck your eyes out if it had the chance.
  5. Love is like a lucky penny. If it slips through your fingers, you’ll never find it again.
  6. People in glass houses will probably get skin cancer.
  7. Time flies when you’re on your deathbed.
  8. Nobody’s perfect. We’re alone in an indifferent universe.
  9. One man’s trash will sit in a landfill forever.
  10. When in Rome, your American dollars are nearly worthless.
  11. A stitch in time will stop the bleeding, so be sure to lock the bathroom door before you slit your wrists.
  12. We are all in the gutter, but some of us are drowning in the gutter.
  13. Shoot for the moon: even if you miss, you’ll starve to death in a tiny capsule.
  14. If it ain’t broke, you’ll probably break it, you clumsy little shit.
  15. The apple never falls far from the tree, where its seeds will never grow because sunlight cannot reach underneath that selfish goddamn tree.
  16. Tragedy plus time equals alcoholism.
  17. You can’t teach an old dog that its life is almost over.

Freshman Trades Sense of Identity with School Spirit

Last Tuesday, freshman Corey S. O’Malley successfully replaced the last vestiges of his personal identity with school spirit.

O’Malley had spent months transforming himself into a cold husk of a man fed only by the success of the various sports teams that represent his school. He completed the process by getting a transfusion of blue and gold blood that enabled him to literally bleed his school colors should the occasion arise.

          Doctors agreed with O’Malley that he does indeed “live for game day” after his heart stopped when the most recent casual exhibition baseball game got rained out. However, some medical professionals disagree, saying that the cardiac arrest was actually a side effect of O’Malley’s decision to get the traditional Berkeley drinking song tattooed on his organs.

O’Malley, a self-described “Acolyte of the Great Golden Bear,” confirmed his extravagant level of school spirit by managing to turn a friendly game of Ultimate Frisbee into a drunken riot.

    Sources say that O’Malley’s obsession has progressed to the point that he goes to a local Trader Joe’s so he can cheer the Berkeley alum bag boy for his superior packing technique.

Man Wears Clearly Ironic Shirt Non-Ironically

     San Francisco resident Jake Moyle surprised fashion critics this week by believing the sentiment expressed on his ironic T-shirt. The shirt, purchased at a Goodwill on Mission and 19th Street, ironically displays a picture of former president George W. Bush underneath the hilariously outdated phrase, “Not My President.”
    “It’s a great shirt because it’s informative,” Moyle said in a press conference last week. “George W. Bush isn’t my president. Barack Obama is. People need to know that if they don’t already.”
    Fashion experts suggest that wearing ironic clothing non-ironically might be the next big move in street fashion. Some of San Francisco’s younger residents are already catching on, including 20-year-old Kate Rawson.
    “My new shirt finally lets me show the world how much I loved going to Math Camp in ’79. And it’s in my favorite color: brown-green.”
    When asked for comment, old women wearing ironic “God Bless America” sweaters looked confused.

Volume 20, Issue 2: Hard Weed

A Guide to College Drinking

Many people drink in college, but few are true connoisseurs. Lucky for you, however, the entire staff of the Heuristic Squelch belongs to the alcoholic elité. Allow us to break down a few of the finer points of collegiate beverages.

Underage Scarcity Lager

Production Company: 7-11 Clerk Who Doesn’t Card
First Impression: Tastes like ohhh my god I’m so drunk right now?
Dominant Flavor: What is this? It’s sooo good! It’s Pabst? …oh.
Aftertaste: The hobo who bought it for you
Notable Ingredients: Room temperature

Pretentious Sophomore’s Gin & Tonic

Production Company: Second Years Who Named Their House After a Lesser Known Belle & Sebastian Song
First Impression: Sweet pretensions
Dominant Flavor: Fancy, fancy, ooh la la!
Aftertaste: Bitterness that no one comes to their dinner parties
Notable Ingredients: Plastic bottle gin poured into a thrifted decanter and then poured into a red cup

Grecian Jungle Juice

Production Company: Sigma Kappa Something Something
First Impression: Jolly Ranchers!
Dominant Flavor: Malty Popov
Aftertaste: Amnesia
Notable Ingredients: A little bit of this, a little bit of that, bro.

Co-op Bucket

Production Company: Cloyne Court Hotel and Casino
First Impression: Neon
Dominant Flavor: Notes of currant, smoke, and oh god what is that
Aftertaste: The paint that the bucket used to hold
Notable Ingredients: Marijuana. Somehow.

Drink That You Paid For

Production Company: A Bar
First Impression: A taste like the tendrils of a warm September breeze
Dominant Flavor: Heirloom, hydroponic barley distilled to ecstatic perfection
Aftertaste: Poorness
Notable Ingredients: Dollar bills

Alcoholic Young Person’s Vodka Waterbottle

Production Company: Doug In The Back Of Your Discussion Section
First Impression: Sudden inspiration to speak up in class
Dominant Flavor: Plastic toxins
Aftertaste: Shame
Notable Ingredients: Senioritis

Magick Security Alert

Dear Campus Community,

    We are writing to address a disturbing new trend on campus. You may have heard rumors about a few incidents involving student safety, and we want to assure you that the problem is under control. We are taking the reports of attacks on students very seriously, and we are sorry to report that many of the rumors regarding recent campus events are true. We have indeed confirmed the sightings of magical creatures, including trolls, pixies and malicious djinn. Graduate students of the occult have traced these disturbances to a planar rift located in Evans Hall, which has long been known to attract the Damned. Thankfully, our janitorial witches have nearly shut this latest portal. The creatures from beyond will, in due time, retreat to the Nether.

    In the meantime, campus security officials are hard at work ensuring the safety of students and their firstborn children. For the next ten days, students may collect an allotment of holy water from the Cal 1 Kiosk, which will help repel the swarms of harpies that have been looting the Golden Bear Market. Later this week, campus police plan to conduct a series of raids on the tribe of wendigo that have taken up residence in the basement of Dwinelle Hall, as their ear-splitting shrieks and bloodthirsty raids on classrooms make normal instruction difficult. For their own protection, students are advised to break up their silhouettes by wearing striped clothing, which will confuse the vicious but colorblind owl-bears. As for the unicorns, they have done little more harm than eating the rare plants at the Botanical Gardens. We expect the Oakland Zoo to contain the situation within the week, though we advise students not to get too close to their sharp, poisonous horns.

    On a more regrettable note, we are greatly disturbed by the unauthorized vigilante efforts of some students. While a healthy amount of vampire-slaying is important to campus discourse, unbridled, it only undermines our attempts to foster a safe learning environment. We discourage students, in the strongest terms, from joining adventuring parties not pre-approved by the Office of Student Conduct. If even one member of your guild is caught damaging campus property or breaking our quarantine of Northside, you may all be subject to disciplinary action. If you feel that you must address the issue, be sure to register with The Office of the Chancellor, and you will receive your questing permit and key-card access to the campus armory within 9-12 days.

    As we are working through these problems, please continue attending classes as usual, even if you suspect that your professor has been replaced by a doppelgänger, infested by a moth-man, or taken by a wight. If any of these is the case and you survive the semester with your soul intact, you have the option of receiving an Incomplete grade and retaking the course during a more cosmically stable semester.

     We appreciate your support during these difficult times. We also hope you agree that these unnatural circumstances justify a small additional stipend, for myself and the UC Regents, in order to subsidize our exorcisms. We expect to preserve the quality of our education and the lives of our remaining students well into the future.   
Sincerely,

Robert J. Birgeneau,
Chancellor

Diary Confessions of a Community Service Frat Boy

9/1 Got my bid for Alpha Phi Omega community service frat today. Guess I’m a “bro” now. Just bought my first pair of sunglasses!

9/23 It’s tough being a bro. The fast times, the women, the endless hours of mind-numbing community service. Actually, I’m starting to think it’s probably just the last one.

10/5 We don’t technically have a chartered house yet, but we tear it up every weekend at the community rec center. We get a lot of girls comin’ around too. And middle aged men in exercise clothes.

10/7 The rumors about hazing totally aren’t true! All I had to do to get initiated was fill out a few forms. Although they did make me admit to being a virgin before confirming I was eligible to donate blood.

10/11 Apparently those girls are in the frat too. Can I still try to sleep with them if we’re all brothers?

10/15 Threw a sick party last night! We all got really sick after volunteering at the hospital. Man, everyone was throwing up at that party.

10/19 None of the girls in the frat will go out with me because I’m too much of a “player.” Might have start to playing less WoW if I want to get a girlfriend.

10/21Got trashed with the brothers at the Strawberry Creek Cleanup. Nothing like getting covered in trash to make you feel like you’re really working hard! Wish we could’ve recycled though.

10/22 I finally scored last night! My very first goal. Looks like I’m getting better at broomball. Which is good because participation is mandatory.

10/25 Got a bunch of new pledges at Fall Rush today! I think that’s what it’s called when you hand out flyers on Sproul. I also pledged three more frats and became a Jew for Jesus. I love college!