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Volume 20- Issue 3

Ted “Deathfuker” Quinn’s Finishing School for Men

January 1, 2011
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Hello Potential Customer,

I’m Ted “Deathfuker” Quinn, proud owner and operator of Deathfuker’s School for Etiquette and Deportment. We at Deathfuker’s are committed to transforming candy asses into confident and successful citizens through an intensive ten-step program.   

Step 1: Clothes make the man. All you really need are blue jeans and a wife beater. Burn everything else.

Step 2: Buy all of Manowar’s albums and absorb their message. If your pubes haven’t grown at least 3 inches then you’re not listening correctly.

Step 3: Get multiple tattoos. People need to think you’re a Satanic gang member who will drink the marrow from their bones if the opportunity arises. They’re also good conversation starters.

Step 4: Grow a handlebar mustache. Whether you’re at a parole hearing or a business meeting, nothing says, “I’m gonna fuck you up later,” like a handlebar mustache.

Step 5: Invest in a switch-blade or a small firearm and start openly carrying it in public. Make it visible enough to ensure your fellow citizens sincerely fear for their lives.   

Step 6: Begin to swear more. It will make you seem like a no-nonsense individual who could snap at any moment.

Step 7: Never refer to someone by their actual name. Gain alpha dog status by addressing others with derogatory titles like “pieface” or  “nippleburger.”

Step 8: Buy a motorcycle. It lets others know you’ve arrived, and gives the impression that you are physically well-endowed.

Step 9: Go to your local bar or youth center and start cultivating your legend. Feel free to be creative. Remember: you don’t actually have to kill anyone, as long you can convince people you did.

I hope you found this brief overview of our intensive ten-week course helpful. By paying $39.99 a month for ten months, you will receive our VHS instructional videos, including the all-important tenth step. (Hint: It involves the female vagina.)

If you’re ready to deathfuk yourself, then don’t delay!

Please send check or money order to :

Ted “Deathfuker” Quinn

Two Kings Mobile Home Park

1994 Edinburgh Lane, West Vegas

NV, 89123

(720) 659-0140

Volume 20- Issue 3

Something Happened in Tunisia

January 1, 2011
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Today, according to the Yahoo! News Homepage, something important happened in Tunisia. As of this hour, it is unclear what has occurred, or where Tunisia is. Wikipedia confirms only that Tunisia is a country located in Africa which exports textiles and phosphates.

    “It is a Maghreb country and is bordered by Algeria to the west, Libya to the southeast, and the Mediterranean Sea to the north and east,” claimed the free encyclopedia, which later added, “The Maghreb, also rendered Maghrib, is a region of North Africa.”
    The Google News Feed  offered only pictures of people carrying red flags and looking mad about something. Further Googling indicates that it all has something to do with WikiLeaks. Even further Googling suggests that maybe it doesn’t.
    “Without justice, we will not have proper peace and reconciliation in Tunisia,” said somebody from an online Washington Post article, who seems to have been either pro- or anti- Tunisia.

CNN’s website had some good pictures and a few bullet points, but they were soon obscured by by a pop-up claiming that it is in fact possible to make $73 an hour working from home.

Volume 20- Issue 3

Hip Directors

The Art of Cinema

January 1, 2011
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These young auteurs are transforming cinema one film at a time. Even if each film is basically the same as the last. In these excerpts from their newest ventures, we see them condense their bold visions into the most perfect forms yet.

The Aesthetic Fantastical
by Wes Anderson
[A toy train races around a gorgeously painted mid-’50s track while piano music plays. The camera follows it around until the director remembers there are people in the movie.]
Jason Schwartzman: Oh, hello. Welcome to my mansion. We’re all one big dysfunctional family here. But damn if we don’t all look great.
Luke Wilson: Hey, I like your blazer.
Jason Schwartzman: Thanks. I like your peacoat. There’s one thing you should know about our family–we’re always getting into zany subplots. Look out, here comes one now!
[Eccentric Uncle rushes past in a regal maroon bathrobe, followed by an Eccentric Aunt powdering her face and an Eccentric Cohort of Midget Servants balancing tea sets.]
Jason Schwartzman: Wasn’t that quirky? It’s not all fun and games, though. We’re all very sad on the inside. Hey guys! Come stand over here. We all need to line up picturesquely.
Owen Wilson: Right on, man. Just let me get my motif ready.
[Owen Wilson adjusts his cowboy hat, showing his preoccupation with childish symbols of masculinity.]
Bill Murray: Is my tweed whimsical enough?
Jason Schwartzman: It’s perfect. Everybody ready? … set … mope!
[‘60s folk music plays while everybody stares into space.]
Jason Schwartzman: Fantastic! Now who’s down for some color-coordinated lawn bowling?
[Everybody is.]

The Gimmick
by Christopher Nolan
[The Anguished Hero cocks a gun at the Smarmy Villain.]
Anguished Hero: I’ve figured it out! Why time’s moving backwards, and why everyone has a twin brother, and why you keep showing up in my dreams! It all fits some kind of–of theme! And you’re behind it!
Smarmy Villain [chuckling]: Then you haven’t figured it out at all. There is no theme. There is only the Gimmick.
Anguished Hero: The Gimmick?
Smarmy Villain: The Gimmick is the inscrutable force that controls all of our actions. You see, your own twin brother has convinced you that time is moving backwards. And your twin brother is an apparition from your dreams! And the versions of me that you see in your dream are twin brothers of my own clones! Do you understand?
Anguished Hero: No?
Smarmy Villain: Good! Because once you understand the Gimmick, your whole adventure will become pointless! You’ll go, like, “hm,” and that will be it! Your life is only interesting until the moment you figure the Gimmick out!
Anguished Hero: That sounds like a terrible payoff.
Smarmy Villain: You’d be surprised how many people find it worthwhile.

Editing: The Movie
by Darren Aronofsky
[Close-up of Natalie Portman practicing ballet.]
Natalie Portman: [groans]
[Extreme close-up of Natalie Portman’s straining muscle.]
[Extremer close-up of Natalie Portman’s eyeball.]
[Cut to a single frame of two lesbians doing it, in extreme close-up.]
Natalie Portman: [grunts]
[Extreme close-up of Natalie Portman’s tattered shoes.]
[Camera spins around Natalie Portman’s head. In extreme close-up.]
[Split-screen of two lesbians doing it and the same two lesbians doing it with another lesbian, both in extreme close-up.]
Natalie Portman [grunting]: …art.

Being Charlie Kaufman
by Charlie Kaufman
[Two Charlie Kaufman-esque screenwriters sit in a cafe discussing their latest work.]
Karlie Chaufman: So right now in my screenplay I, Karlie Chaufman, am in a cafe with my friend, Carlie Khaufman, and we’re talking about the writing process.
Carlie Khaufman: What a coincidence! I’m also writing a screenplay in which I, Carlie Khaufman, talk about my screenplay with my writer friend, Karlie Chaufman.
Karlie Chaufman: In mine, I pretend to hate myself, but I do it in this insufferable way where I’m clearly sort of bragging about what a true artist I am.
Carlie Khaufman: In mine, I repeatedly reference the fact that I am writing a movie, which is clearly the movie I am starring in, then I reference the fact that I am referencing that fact, then I reference the fact that I am referencing the fact that I…
Waitress: Excuse me, but I couldn’t help overhearing. Wouldn’t your movies be a little more interesting if you made them about something other than yourselves?
[The writers laugh.]
Karlie Chaufman: No, see, our movies are for smart people.
[The waitress walks off. The writers furiously write her into their screenplays, then resume talking about themselves.]

Volume 20- Issue 2

Volume 20, Issue 2: Hard Weed

October 1, 2010
PDF Link

Features

Newsflashes

Top Tens

Volume 20- Issue 2

A Guide to College Drinking

October 1, 2010
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Many people drink in college, but few are true connoisseurs. Lucky for you, however, the entire staff of the Heuristic Squelch belongs to the alcoholic elité. Allow us to break down a few of the finer points of collegiate beverages.

Underage Scarcity Lager

Production Company: 7-11 Clerk Who Doesn’t Card
First Impression: Tastes like ohhh my god I’m so drunk right now?
Dominant Flavor: What is this? It’s sooo good! It’s Pabst? …oh.
Aftertaste: The hobo who bought it for you
Notable Ingredients: Room temperature

Pretentious Sophomore’s Gin & Tonic

Production Company: Second Years Who Named Their House After a Lesser Known Belle & Sebastian Song
First Impression: Sweet pretensions
Dominant Flavor: Fancy, fancy, ooh la la!
Aftertaste: Bitterness that no one comes to their dinner parties
Notable Ingredients: Plastic bottle gin poured into a thrifted decanter and then poured into a red cup

Grecian Jungle Juice

Production Company: Sigma Kappa Something Something
First Impression: Jolly Ranchers!
Dominant Flavor: Malty Popov
Aftertaste: Amnesia
Notable Ingredients: A little bit of this, a little bit of that, bro.

Co-op Bucket

Production Company: Cloyne Court Hotel and Casino
First Impression: Neon
Dominant Flavor: Notes of currant, smoke, and oh god what is that
Aftertaste: The paint that the bucket used to hold
Notable Ingredients: Marijuana. Somehow.

Drink That You Paid For

Production Company: A Bar
First Impression: A taste like the tendrils of a warm September breeze
Dominant Flavor: Heirloom, hydroponic barley distilled to ecstatic perfection
Aftertaste: Poorness
Notable Ingredients: Dollar bills

Alcoholic Young Person’s Vodka Waterbottle

Production Company: Doug In The Back Of Your Discussion Section
First Impression: Sudden inspiration to speak up in class
Dominant Flavor: Plastic toxins
Aftertaste: Shame
Notable Ingredients: Senioritis

Volume 20- Issue 2

Existential Teen Comedies

October 1, 2010
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American Pie presents: No Exit

Three high school seniors made a pledge to lose their virginity before the end of their senior year. The only problem? The boys are locked in a hotel room that will be their private hell for all eternity.  In order to fulfill their pledge they’re going to need to find a way to score while being driven mad by each other’s company, in a tragic psychological sausage fest of their own design. And wait till you see what happens when room service brings in a pie! This summer, three teens will learn that Hell is other penises.

Starring Jason Biggs, Sean William Scott, and Sir Ian McKellen as “Boner.”  

Dude, where’s my God?

After a night of too much partying, Jesse and Chester wake up to find that they have accidentally killed God.  Now it’s up to a couple of average stoners to retrace their drunken steps to the foundation of human values in the absence of a set religious establishment. Can they save the world from certain nihilism and find out where their sweet new tattoos came from? Watch hilarity ensue as the pot-tastic duo searches for the Continuum-trans-Übermensch, the one being that can usher in the new order and teach Jesse and Chester about the true, foundational value of the Will to Party.

Starring Ashton Kutcher and Sean William Scott as the unfortunate middle stage between animal and overman.

Franz Kafka’s Sixteen Candles

As Samantha Baker awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, she found herself transformed in her bed into a gigantic cockroach. To make matters worse, with her sister’s wedding just around the corner, all of her family has forgotten her sixteenth birthday!  Will Samatha come to terms with the absurdity of her position? Will she realize that she, in her own special way, represents the human condition itself? Will she be able to convince the coolest guy in school that monstrous vermin can be pretty slammin’ too? No.

Starring Molly Ringwald as the vermin and Anthony Michael Hall as the geeky insect-fetishist that loves her.

Bill and Ted: Waiting for Rufus

TED:  Bill, with this time machine we will be able to write a most triumphant report.
BILL:  Yes Ted, but we have to wait for Rufus to come before we can go anywhere.
TED:  Oh yeah, excellent!
(BILL and TED furiously AIR GUITAR before STANDING and QUIETLY WAITING)
TED:  But Bill, if we do not start our project we will flunk most heinously and my dad will totally send me to military school.
BILL:  While this is true, we will get it done as soon as Rufus gets here, and it will be a most bodacious report indeed.
TED: Most excellent mi amigo!
(BILL and TED once more AIR GUITAR before STANDING QUIETLY. Suddenly, with a flash of lightning, another PHONE BOOTH arrives carrying FUTURE BILL and TED)
FUTURE BILL: Greetings, past selves!
TED: Oh, most excellent! It’s us from the future again!
BILL: Future us, did Rufus tell you when he would come?
FUTURE TED: We don’t know yet, past us. Rufus told us to come back and wait here next to the phone booth with you past us guys.
BILL: Oh, well then, let us wait.
(FUTURE BILL and TED AIR GUITAR to each other while BILL and TED STAND QUIETLY. The AUDIENCE waits desperately for something to FUCKING HAPPEN)
TED: I’m going to military school aren’t I?

Volume 20- Issue 2

Diary Confessions of a Community Service Frat Boy

October 1, 2010

9/1 Got my bid for Alpha Phi Omega community service frat today. Guess I’m a “bro” now. Just bought my first pair of sunglasses!

9/23 It’s tough being a bro. The fast times, the women, the endless hours of mind-numbing community service. Actually, I’m starting to think it’s probably just the last one.

10/5 We don’t technically have a chartered house yet, but we tear it up every weekend at the community rec center. We get a lot of girls comin’ around too. And middle aged men in exercise clothes.

10/7 The rumors about hazing totally aren’t true! All I had to do to get initiated was fill out a few forms. Although they did make me admit to being a virgin before confirming I was eligible to donate blood.

10/11 Apparently those girls are in the frat too. Can I still try to sleep with them if we’re all brothers?

10/15 Threw a sick party last night! We all got really sick after volunteering at the hospital. Man, everyone was throwing up at that party.

10/19 None of the girls in the frat will go out with me because I’m too much of a “player.” Might have start to playing less WoW if I want to get a girlfriend.

10/21Got trashed with the brothers at the Strawberry Creek Cleanup. Nothing like getting covered in trash to make you feel like you’re really working hard! Wish we could’ve recycled though.

10/22 I finally scored last night! My very first goal. Looks like I’m getting better at broomball. Which is good because participation is mandatory.

10/25 Got a bunch of new pledges at Fall Rush today! I think that’s what it’s called when you hand out flyers on Sproul. I also pledged three more frats and became a Jew for Jesus. I love college!

Volume 20- Issue 2

Magick Security Alert

October 1, 2010
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Dear Campus Community,

    We are writing to address a disturbing new trend on campus. You may have heard rumors about a few incidents involving student safety, and we want to assure you that the problem is under control. We are taking the reports of attacks on students very seriously, and we are sorry to report that many of the rumors regarding recent campus events are true. We have indeed confirmed the sightings of magical creatures, including trolls, pixies and malicious djinn. Graduate students of the occult have traced these disturbances to a planar rift located in Evans Hall, which has long been known to attract the Damned. Thankfully, our janitorial witches have nearly shut this latest portal. The creatures from beyond will, in due time, retreat to the Nether.

    In the meantime, campus security officials are hard at work ensuring the safety of students and their firstborn children. For the next ten days, students may collect an allotment of holy water from the Cal 1 Kiosk, which will help repel the swarms of harpies that have been looting the Golden Bear Market. Later this week, campus police plan to conduct a series of raids on the tribe of wendigo that have taken up residence in the basement of Dwinelle Hall, as their ear-splitting shrieks and bloodthirsty raids on classrooms make normal instruction difficult. For their own protection, students are advised to break up their silhouettes by wearing striped clothing, which will confuse the vicious but colorblind owl-bears. As for the unicorns, they have done little more harm than eating the rare plants at the Botanical Gardens. We expect the Oakland Zoo to contain the situation within the week, though we advise students not to get too close to their sharp, poisonous horns.

    On a more regrettable note, we are greatly disturbed by the unauthorized vigilante efforts of some students. While a healthy amount of vampire-slaying is important to campus discourse, unbridled, it only undermines our attempts to foster a safe learning environment. We discourage students, in the strongest terms, from joining adventuring parties not pre-approved by the Office of Student Conduct. If even one member of your guild is caught damaging campus property or breaking our quarantine of Northside, you may all be subject to disciplinary action. If you feel that you must address the issue, be sure to register with The Office of the Chancellor, and you will receive your questing permit and key-card access to the campus armory within 9-12 days.

    As we are working through these problems, please continue attending classes as usual, even if you suspect that your professor has been replaced by a doppelgänger, infested by a moth-man, or taken by a wight. If any of these is the case and you survive the semester with your soul intact, you have the option of receiving an Incomplete grade and retaking the course during a more cosmically stable semester.

     We appreciate your support during these difficult times. We also hope you agree that these unnatural circumstances justify a small additional stipend, for myself and the UC Regents, in order to subsidize our exorcisms. We expect to preserve the quality of our education and the lives of our remaining students well into the future.   
Sincerely,

Robert J. Birgeneau,
Chancellor