A Guide to College Drinking

Many people drink in college, but few are true connoisseurs. Lucky for you, however, the entire staff of the Heuristic Squelch belongs to the alcoholic elité. Allow us to break down a few of the finer points of collegiate beverages.

Underage Scarcity Lager

Production Company: 7-11 Clerk Who Doesn’t Card
First Impression: Tastes like ohhh my god I’m so drunk right now?
Dominant Flavor: What is this? It’s sooo good! It’s Pabst? …oh.
Aftertaste: The hobo who bought it for you
Notable Ingredients: Room temperature

Pretentious Sophomore’s Gin & Tonic

Production Company: Second Years Who Named Their House After a Lesser Known Belle & Sebastian Song
First Impression: Sweet pretensions
Dominant Flavor: Fancy, fancy, ooh la la!
Aftertaste: Bitterness that no one comes to their dinner parties
Notable Ingredients: Plastic bottle gin poured into a thrifted decanter and then poured into a red cup

Grecian Jungle Juice

Production Company: Sigma Kappa Something Something
First Impression: Jolly Ranchers!
Dominant Flavor: Malty Popov
Aftertaste: Amnesia
Notable Ingredients: A little bit of this, a little bit of that, bro.

Co-op Bucket

Production Company: Cloyne Court Hotel and Casino
First Impression: Neon
Dominant Flavor: Notes of currant, smoke, and oh god what is that
Aftertaste: The paint that the bucket used to hold
Notable Ingredients: Marijuana. Somehow.

Drink That You Paid For

Production Company: A Bar
First Impression: A taste like the tendrils of a warm September breeze
Dominant Flavor: Heirloom, hydroponic barley distilled to ecstatic perfection
Aftertaste: Poorness
Notable Ingredients: Dollar bills

Alcoholic Young Person’s Vodka Waterbottle

Production Company: Doug In The Back Of Your Discussion Section
First Impression: Sudden inspiration to speak up in class
Dominant Flavor: Plastic toxins
Aftertaste: Shame
Notable Ingredients: Senioritis