APPLYING FOR A JOB
Interviewer: Very nice, and your master’s degree was from Wesleyan as well?
Middle School Girl: Yes, sir.
Interviewer: Hmm, I think I’m missing the part of your resume where you list who asked you to the 7th grade dance.
Middle School Girl: I… didn’t go to the 7th grade dance.
Interviewer: I see. Well, we’ll keep your name on file, thanks for coming in.
Middle School Girl: …
Interviewer: Naturally, we’ll be telling all this to your elementary school friends who moved away; it’s standard procedure.
AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE
Doctor: Mrs. Finneker, Mr. Finneker, I don’t know how to tell you this exactly, but… we found out why you haven’t been able to conceive. Jennifer, you have a rare uterine disorder—
Shrieking Tween Girls: OH MY GOD JENNY HASN’T HAD HER PERIOD YET CAN YOU BELIEVE IT.
RUNNING FOR RE-ELECTION
Reporter: Congresswoman, I’m Dan Hayes of CBS News. Question: Why should the voters send you back to Washington for a third term?
Middle School Girl: I raised the child tax credit, secured funding to build the causeway, protected the marshlands from developers interested in–
Reporter: What do you say to the breaking news that Stephanie DeMarco will run against you, and that she’s more popular than you?
Middle School Girl: Is she still dating the captain of the lacrosse team?
Reporter: Uh huh.
Middle School: Oh my god I’m going to lose.
Nurse: Thank you for agreeing to save a life today. We just need to ask you a few routine questions. Have you ever used intravenous drugs?
Middle School Girl: No.
Nurse: Have you ever engaged in unprotected sex for money?
Middle School Girl: No I haven’t.
Nurse: Have you ever eaten lunch alone in the bathroom in 7th grade?
Middle School Girl: [Cries]
Nurse: Sorry, you should… you should probably go.
GOING TO COLLEGE
Middle School Girl: Wow, college is nothing like middle school!
College Student: That’s right. Here, no one is popular because they’re pretty or have nice clothes. We like people who are smart and shy.
Middle School Girl: This place is perfect!
College Student: Oh wait, you know how to kiss a boy, right?
Middle School Girl: Well, um…
College Student: Never mind.