Statue of Liberty Aggressively Remodeled to Reflect Modern American Values

WASHINGTON–The U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill late last Tuesday that provides 1.3 million dollars towards a renovation of the Statue of Liberty. Reconstruction will center around replacing the iconic tablet held in the statue’s left hand with a huge middle finger directed at all nations east of the Atlantic.

The bill was introduced by freshman Congressman Samuel Whittemore, who explained that the change would better reflect recent American policy in the Middle East. Whittemore also cited recent American policy in Asia, recent American policy in Africa, recent American policy in Latin America, recent American policy in Europe, and recent American policy in parts of Antarctica.

“The world needs to realize that we know it hates us. And ya know what? We could give a rat’s ass,” Whittemore said.

Critics have charged that the change might appear hostile to immigrants. Responding to the allegations, President Obama said, “My father was an immigrant, and he told me that the Statue of Liberty symbolizes what it means to be American. And today, being an American means telling everyone else to go fuck themselves.”