American Pie presents: No Exit
Three high school seniors made a pledge to lose their virginity before the end of their senior year. The only problem? The boys are locked in a hotel room that will be their private hell for all eternity. In order to fulfill their pledge they’re going to need to find a way to score while being driven mad by each other’s company, in a tragic psychological sausage fest of their own design. And wait till you see what happens when room service brings in a pie! This summer, three teens will learn that Hell is other penises.
Starring Jason Biggs, Sean William Scott, and Sir Ian McKellen as “Boner.”
Dude, where’s my God?
After a night of too much partying, Jesse and Chester wake up to find that they have accidentally killed God. Now it’s up to a couple of average stoners to retrace their drunken steps to the foundation of human values in the absence of a set religious establishment. Can they save the world from certain nihilism and find out where their sweet new tattoos came from? Watch hilarity ensue as the pot-tastic duo searches for the Continuum-trans-Übermensch, the one being that can usher in the new order and teach Jesse and Chester about the true, foundational value of the Will to Party.
Starring Ashton Kutcher and Sean William Scott as the unfortunate middle stage between animal and overman.
Franz Kafka’s Sixteen Candles
As Samantha Baker awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, she found herself transformed in her bed into a gigantic cockroach. To make matters worse, with her sister’s wedding just around the corner, all of her family has forgotten her sixteenth birthday! Will Samatha come to terms with the absurdity of her position? Will she realize that she, in her own special way, represents the human condition itself? Will she be able to convince the coolest guy in school that monstrous vermin can be pretty slammin’ too? No.
Starring Molly Ringwald as the vermin and Anthony Michael Hall as the geeky insect-fetishist that loves her.
Bill and Ted: Waiting for Rufus
TED: Bill, with this time machine we will be able to write a most triumphant report.
BILL: Yes Ted, but we have to wait for Rufus to come before we can go anywhere.
TED: Oh yeah, excellent!
(BILL and TED furiously AIR GUITAR before STANDING and QUIETLY WAITING)
TED: But Bill, if we do not start our project we will flunk most heinously and my dad will totally send me to military school.
BILL: While this is true, we will get it done as soon as Rufus gets here, and it will be a most bodacious report indeed.
TED: Most excellent mi amigo!
(BILL and TED once more AIR GUITAR before STANDING QUIETLY. Suddenly, with a flash of lightning, another PHONE BOOTH arrives carrying FUTURE BILL and TED)
FUTURE BILL: Greetings, past selves!
TED: Oh, most excellent! It’s us from the future again!
BILL: Future us, did Rufus tell you when he would come?
FUTURE TED: We don’t know yet, past us. Rufus told us to come back and wait here next to the phone booth with you past us guys.
BILL: Oh, well then, let us wait.
(FUTURE BILL and TED AIR GUITAR to each other while BILL and TED STAND QUIETLY. The AUDIENCE waits desperately for something to FUCKING HAPPEN)
TED: I’m going to military school aren’t I?